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Is my boyfriend is abusive?


CMM

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I know this seems like it should be obvious but somehow its not. My BF and I have been together 5 years and we recently got engaged. I have been having second thoughts. He has a pretty awful temper that seems to have gotten worse over time. When he gets angry he gets out of control. He frequently throws things, hits walls. He pushed me once and has slapped me on a few occasions. It seems the silliest things trigger it, like if I break a glass or something. I am a very timid person and want to avoid conflict so I dont generally fight back. He also will get really moody if I work late and it bothers him when I dress sexy to go out with friends or to work. He is always very apologetic afterwards but then at some point the anger always returns. I am constantly worrying if this or that will make him fly off the handle. While I realize his behavior is not normal, I am not sure it constitutes as abusive? I guess I am getting frustrated with always having to be so careful not to make him angry and to be honest he frightens me when he loses his temper.

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insecure, jealous (caused by his own insecurities), bad tempered etc etc txt book stuff really.

 

you cannot help him he has to want to do it HIMSELF, you can guide him, dont stop living, dressing up , going out, dont put your lifr on hold for a bad tempered garden gnome.

 

you really need to sit back and assess the said person and figure out if he will change for the better! think long and hard a slap one year could be a fully blown beating the next and who knows. not wanting to scare you hun just being realistic.

 

and welcome to ENA and dont ever be ashamed of telling us on here your fears! just dont go bumping old threads, it annoys the crap out of the majority on here. me excluded.

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Maybe he feels like he's settling. If a person in a relationship settles for you, you as you are, as their impression of you is, is the bare minimum. So bare minimum minus a broken glass = an emotional outburst. He might not feel like he's settling, but if that's the case in his subconscious instincts deep down, then it surfaces as this type of behavior.

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Nothing warrants physical abuse.

 

yes i agree, but something so trivial shouldnt warrant the above said. this was to amplify the shortness of his temper threshold, to that of a even keeled human! ok!

 

if he can lose his rag at the drop of a hat, then he is seriously not right!

 

 

please dont think i warrant abuse as your comment insinuates! ive been a victim of this!!

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I know alot of abusers use drugs but not him. In fact, he is so incredibly balanced most of the time but just randomly and unpredictably loses it. I think his main problem is that he is a control freak and as long as you do things his way that makes him happy. I know his dad had a temper so perhaps this is the reason why he has issues?

 

I dont think he feels like he is settling, he was the one that always pushed the relationship further.

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and welcome to ENA and dont ever be ashamed of telling us on here your fears! just dont go bumping old threads, it annoys the crap out of the majority on here. me excluded.

 

Thanks for the welcome!

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I know alot of abusers use drugs but not him. In fact, he is so incredibly balanced most of the time but just randomly and unpredictably loses it. I think his main problem is that he is a control freak and as long as you do things his way that makes him happy. I know his dad had a temper so perhaps this is the reason why he has issues?

 

I dont think he feels like he is settling, he was the one that always pushed the relationship further.

 

either way, guide him. you cant live your life under his black cloud of doom!

you have a life as well. no matter how agents post came accross I DO NOT WARRANT ABUSE IN ANY SHAPE,WAY OR FORM. PERIOD!

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I think that he is trying to controle you, which is a form of abuse he thinks that if you do somthing he doesnt like he cant beat you with words and win in an argument so the best way for him to assert his dominance over you is to physicaly prove he can beat you.

 

I would suggest putting the marrage on hold dont go jumping into anything before you have a good strong foundation to build your relationship ontop of, it is a simple matter of guiding him showing him the right way to behave. When he dose somthing to upset you or physicaly hurt you show him that your feelings matter too, Dont show him that your upset as thats what he wants instead just leave he will worry alot more as he will realise that when he does somthing to hurt you he doesnt get what he wants and he will learn to stop hiting you. Its just finding and using these counter behaviours until you can fix the broken foundation of your relationship.

 

Hope this helped feel free to ask me for any further advice.

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I wouldn't marry a man like this. It's just going to get worse when you are legally tied together. You may have kids and then try to stay with him just for them, and oh it'll be a big emotional mess. He is very controlling, definitely abusive. You need to be with a guy who respects you and who will let you go out with your friends and happily say bye before work and simply help clean up a broken glass when that happens. You don't want to be walking on eggshells to keep him happy for the rest of your life do you?

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Please leave this man immediately. He is abusing you and there is no way of knowing if he could get even more dangerous and violent. If you plan of having children, he would likely harm them too. Please stay away. This is incredibly serious and it would be a bad idea to stay another minute.

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These are strong responses...I dont feel prepared to leave him. I am going to suggest counseling though as perhaps it will help us.

 

That's because his behavior is abusive and warrants a strong response--from you.

 

What would you say to a friend who told you what you told us in your original post? He is violent. He has pushed you and slapped you. This will not change. You are putting yourself in danger by remaining with this man.

 

The reason you are getting such strong responses is because this man is dangerous to your well-being and could seriously hurt you at some point. You deserve someone who will never lay a hand on you and who does not have out-of-control anger.

 

I think the reason that I personally give such a strong response is because I am afraid for you. I have heard too many stories like this where things escalate and the abuser ends up killing his victim/partner. I'm not saying your boyfriend is like that. I'm just trying to explain why I have such a strong reaction to stories like yours where a person's partner is physically abusive toward them.

 

It may seem like just a slap or just a push but you must know that even that is unacceptable. Don't make excuses for this man if you are at all tempted to do that. Slapping or pushing is never appropriate. If a woman slapped or pushed her bf, I'd be saying the same thing. At the very least it's disrespectful and it emotionally hurts the other person. At worst, it puts that person in an environment in which their physical health is in danger.

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