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Pressure to come out at work


chcmb43
SIGNS OF A TOXIC BOSS | THERAPIST R...
SIGNS OF A TOXIC BOSS | THERAPIST REACTS TO RAISSA KENGNE

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I love my boss, she is the coolest lady in the world. But lately she has been bugging me about "my girlfriend." She is an older lady, and I don't think she would take me being gay very well. She keeps asking me why I dont have a girlfriend, and "its not the right time in my life" just doesnt seem to satisfy her. I don't want to come out because I work for a community program that involves kids, and people would get the wrong impression.

 

Basically, I need her to stop bugging me, but I dont know how to make that happen without telling her the truth. It makes me feel uncomfortable that this is the only issue I have with her, and that it leaves me wondering what she is really thinking afterwards. Any ideas?

 

Thanks

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She probably just asks because she's warmed to you and wants you to be happy. The fact that she's so naieve to assume that you're straight does suggest she's a bit out of touch. So if you were to come out to her, it might be a good reality check that she needs. But still, totally understandable if you don't want to. But you have to come out eventually, or else your whole working life will be uncomfortable. It shouldn't be a big deal.

 

Either come out to her, but tell her that you're not out,(so that she just leaves you alone), or tell her that you don't really want to talk about your personal life with people at work, that you like to keep that stuff separate.

 

As for working with kids being a sensitive subject, I hope you realise that it's totally wrong and ridiculous that gay people should feel pressured to be closeted if they work with kids. It's a totally irrational fear from people who think being gay is being perverted, and sick, and predatory. All myths.

 

Good luck whatever you decide. Behaviour like hers can be very annoying. But living in secrecy makes harmless curiosity more of a problem than it should be.

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If I were you, I'd keep it as simple as possible and give no information.

 

Next time, say something to her such as "I'm sorry, but I do not feel comfortable talking about my personal life at work" Just because she is your boss, you don't have to answer questions about your personal life.

 

Her behavior is totally unprofessional.

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some places are not accepting of all lifestyles. if you feel honesty would be punished then just say you prefer to separate work and private life.

 

tell her you are happy and not looking for a relationship. thank her for her interest.

there are so many reasons. she may be a die hard romantic trying to pair you up with some one. she needs to remember she's at work and be professional.

dont be pressured into giving private information.

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As for working with kids being a sensitive subject, I hope you realise that it's totally wrong and ridiculous that gay people should feel pressured to be closeted if they work with kids. It's a totally irrational fear from people who think being gay is being perverted, and sick, and predatory. All myths.

 

We know it's wrong and ridiculous, but it doesn't stop people from thinking that way. I can understand why the OP is hesitant to come out.

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I second what belladonna said. You don't have to lie and say you're in a relationship, and you don't have to come out either. You just simply have to sy you prefer to not discuss your personal life at work. Set a boundary and don't let her cross it.

 

Not coming out at work is ok, in my opinion, as long as you're comfortable with your sexuality elsewhere. One of my clients is very gay but he's closeted at work b/c he says he has no reason to let his personal life into his professional one. He says he's there to work and make his company money and his sexuality has nothing to do with it. He's a 47yo man who's been out since he was a teen I think and he just doesn't think being out at work is necessary.

 

So don't do anything you're not comfortable with and just tell her you don't want to discuss it.

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One of my clients is very gay but he's closeted at work b/c he says he has no reason to let his personal life into his professional one

 

Exactly. It doesn't matter if a person is straight, gay, bi, or likes to have wild sex while swinging from a chandelier. None of that personal information is relevent or required in the workplace. Neither is a person's overall romantic relationship status.

 

I do think you need to set a boundary.

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Just to be clear I wasn't suggesting the OP lie. The someone special can be himself. I suggested that because well-meaning meddlers can be tenacious and it's the fastest, simplest, most effective, and least confrontational way of dealing with it.

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I am in a relationship, and when my boss asks me about my "girlfriend" I have the urge to tell her the truth, that my girlfriend is in fact not a girl. But, it is the workplace, not a social event...well, not for me anyway since I'm getting paid to coordinate the social event for others....Thank you for your replies everyone.

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At my workplace someone in the similar situation a you are would behave this way: when another time boss comes on you with GF comments/questions, tell her that you actually wanted to talk about it. When she is all ears tell her that lately it was bothering you and setting you uncomfortable because you do not like talking about your private life especially at work. That you understand that her interest comes from care, but still it is not what you feel comfortable with and if continues it might affect your work performance. If she doesn't take it gracefully from there, go to HR and talk to them. Nobody has to reveal anything at work about their private life and when people are attacking you with this you have to stand up for yourself. The whole issue has nothing to do with gayness.

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HAHA, hr, I wish. I work for an independent community program, so we basically its myself and these other two ladies who run everything. The lady in question is like a mom to me, but I still treat her as if she is my boss, just out of respect. I almost feel like my fear of coming out to her is more my own internal fear, rather than my feeling that she may react badly. But, it is still strange to me that she is expecting me to follow the norm of when she was my age, rather than considering modern influences

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a view from an older lady.

might i be around her age?

if she feels mummsy towards you she proably wants to see you happily settled down with a nice wife and children the whole white picket fence fantasy.

she may or may not judge/treat you differently based on sexual preference.

i think she wants to see you happy and may be asking in the hope that if you dont 'have a nice gf' she can set you up.

 

assure her that you are happily sorted and i think nina2009 has some good points re when she broachs the subject go from there and i agree it's not about gayness, it's us old die hard romantics - she's trying to settle you down - her version of happiness.

 

the only way to stop a match maker is to tell them you are very happily matched.

 

the next problem may be her wanting to see your partner is good enough for you.

make nicley clear work is sepreate from social.

goog luck cos if i'm right a die hard romantic,espically a mumsy one will not give in!!!!!!!!!!

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