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Need some honest advice...


Cypha

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After 3 years my boyfriend recently said he wanted a break. He said he needed some time to figure out where he wanted to be in 3 years...He said he didnt know if he saw me in his future..So i freaked out, felt like a fool and made up a story about me cheating on him, to make myslef feel better abt being made a fool of...

 

So after he spiraled into a deep depression...i told him the truth.

 

He now says...that i have changed his whole perspective on relationships..he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me, he still loves me although he says hes not "in love" anymore, he wants us to see eachother and "mess around" but he does not want to be attached to me. He says he has feelins for me but not romantic feelings.

 

He says he cant rule out the possibility that he might "pick up" in 3-4 months time...but he also cant rule out that he might want to be with me in a few months time....

 

So basically im holding onto the guilt of what i did...considering i ruined a perfect relationship with a stupid made up story...and im holding on to the possibility that he might want to be with me again..I miss the way we were but i feel like im holding onto false hope..

 

I dont even know where to begin to get my had around this...where can i start??

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No you didn't ruin ' a perfectly good relationship' by telling him that story. He had already changed towards you. He wanted the break. After you told him that story, he was able to use it as a bit of an excuse for wanting out of the commitment, which he had wanted anyway. He expects a lot from you, and quite honestly, it's not fair to expect you to hang around, and 'mess around' while he works it out. Phooey to that! Don't do it!

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Well, now you have 2 problems instead of 1.

It seems you've admitted that you made up your story. Have you really taken responsibility for that damage by appologizing, thinking about how to deal with this kind of thing next time? Essentially you wanted to play dirty and "one up" him when he had a problem with the relationship. He hurt you so you hurt him more. Once you really think about the qualities and relationship skills you want to have, then forgive yourself and let it go. You made a mistake and you'll need to let it go at some point.

The second one (which is more important and shouldn't have had to take a back-seat to your lie) is that his feelings have changed. Usually feelings don't change back to being "inlove" once they've fallen out of love and can't see you in their future. Seeing him for sex and nothing else is not just "false hope"....it's letting him use you for the things that will make his day while you spend every moment up until the sex and every moment afterwards analyzing his phone calls, emails, the look in his eyes, what he says......TORTURE.

Don't do it.

So, my advice? Let go of the mistake and then let go of him. Tell him that if and when he knows for sure, to give you a call. Other than that, it's not worth the pain you'll cause yourself.

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No..i definitly will not be doing that. I keep trying to move on, but all i can think about is him, i feel like i dont have closure, i havnt contacted him in a week, i suppose im hoping that if i give him time away from me, he'll start to miss what we had, but im afraid that he'll be messing around with someone else, he did say that if he gets everything he needs from me he might not want someone else, but he also doesnt know if he will end up wanting someone else in a few months. im so hurt.

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