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The long hard road to apathy...


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When dealing with any traumatic events in life, you start on the road to recovery almost immediately after that terrible thing has happened. But just as there are many different ways in which life can kick you in the ass, there are therefore many different destinations that we should aspire to get to relating to the different traumatic events. For example, if you are made redundant at work, the road to recovery leads to getting a new job. If you are seriously ill, the road to recovery leads to you being in good health. With most traumatic events in life, the final goal at the end of the road to recovery is clear, an injured sportsman knows that after rehabilitation and training, his end goal is to be back out on that field again fighting fit!

 

Just like any other traumatic event in life, it is possible to recover from heart break and break ups. But (and it’s a big BUT) heart break is quite unique as you are faced with having a loved one withdraw themselves from your life, but unlike bereavement, they are still around, they will go on living their lives without you. Despite it being possible to recover from heart break just like any other crappy event in life, this unique event causes the head to flip out! Your world is in a spin and you can’t see an end to the hurt, loneliness, confusion and maybe jealousy if there was someone else involved. Most importantly you don’t know which direction you are headed now and what is at the end of this long hard road to recovery, if you don’t know where you are headed, how do you know which way to go?!

 

Well I am here today ladies and gents to maybe state the blatantly obvious, but it is something I myself was unaware of until recently after going through a break up. They say the opposite to love is hate, maybe in some circumstances, but for most of us here the opposite of the love we felt/feel for someone is APATHY. That is your goal, to genuinely not wonder about what your ex is up to now, who they are with and what they had for breakfast! Again forgive me for stating the obvious, but in terms of final goals, there are many red herrings when it comes to healing from a break up, for example some would consider reconciliation as their goal, but I have heard too many times about how the majority of the time this happens it leads to further heart break or disappointment. Some may see revenge as a goal, well revenge is a mostly negative entity and not worth any ones time under these circumstances. Some may want to end up hating their ex and think that this will be the end of the process, all I will say is, remember that fine line between love and hate?! It exists!

 

Problem is that reconciliation, revenge or hate are all things you can make defined steps to try and achieve however foolhardy that is, whereas the steps towards making yourself not care/think about someone are often a lot more difficult to carry out and not so clearly defined. Because you want to think about them! They (probably) made you happy at some point and you want them back! Reconciliation, revenge or hate are all tangible results, if you achieve any of those things, there are defining moments to remember! Apathy is intangible, by that I mean when it happens you probably wont even know about it, it wont be a magical defining moment that we crave for after a break up! It will just gradually happen with no alarms or bells, that’s why its so hard to aim for… because it’s a non-event! I guarantee that when most people type “I’m healed!” on these boards, that is not entirely true and if it is, then they have had that magical thing called apathy creep up on them gradually unannounced like a thief in the night!

 

Of course there are catalysts that can help in getting to that apathetic state, for example some will find a new more rewarding relationship sooner rather than later, then that apathy comes because you are so caught up in feelings for that new person that you don’t spare a thought for your ex! But for most of us, we are on our own on that long hard road to apathy. But you can take steps towards putting yourself in the right place for that apathetic state to happen. I wont re-hash all that advice about allowing yourself to grieve, feeling your feelings, keeping busy, seeing friends/family and exercise, that is already well documented here! But I am going to re-enforce the old No Contact chestnut!

 

In order to get to a place where you don’t pine after or desire your ex you really do have to remove them from your life altogether. Of course everyone is different, as are our break up situations, people come on these boards saying they don’t believe in NC blah blah, ok fair enough, but id say for 99% of the people reading this, NC is the only way to set yourself on the right road towards apathy. Remember, it may be a case of “absence makes the heart grow fonder” right now, BUT do you know what that turns into if you stick to NC? That’s right, “out of sight, out of mind…” trust me, it really does…

 

You can’t make yourself stop thinking about someone or something, neither will anger or resentment towards that person or situation help things along. The only way to get to that apathetic Promised Land is to try and live your life for you now, try and focus on the good in your life and the good people who think a lot of you. They are worth being the best person you can be for (if that makes sense?!), you owe it to them and yourself to focus on the most important thing now, that’s yourself. Remove the source of pain from your life, you don’t have to be cold about it with them, just fairly and calmly explain why they have to leave your life completely for now. If they were ever worth your love, they will understand, if they don’t then use that as another reason to try and move on!

 

Remember, you can’t become apathetic to someone that is in your life on a regular basis, even if it’s a text once a week or even once a month! Apathy towards your ex is your goal, if they are in your life this is not an achievable goal. Of course you will always have memories of your ex and that relationship, you can’t erase that, and you may even always care for them somewhat. But, when you get to where you need to be, the relationship will just be something that happened in your life rather than a painful reminder of loss that saps at your self confidence and self esteem and gets you down.

 

So for all you guys going what I went through a few months back, remember where you are headed, APATHY! YOU NEED TO FALL OUT OF LOVE and that is possible! Remember what the goal is, focus on that and respect yourself by putting yourself in the best position to get there! Also remember that you are not alone, come here and vent/rant as much as you need to, it does help!

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well thanks for taking the time to write this...

 

for sure, the only way to reach apathy is to go NC.. i think for getting over a break up NC is 99% of the time the eventual outcome... the only variance is at what stage it happens. I know for sure if i'd gone NC the day i ofund out she'd shacked up with some guy a week after leaving 10 months on i wouldnt be feeling like i do today. As Rob said, I think im just on A and i cant wait to get to Y!

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Good post. Agreed! It's been 6months and we had contact for financial reasons then became friendly emails here and there..and she befriended my daughter on email. I supported it intially. If she writes her again, I have to ask her to STOP! I feel it is selfish to ask this but my daughter is part of the NC moving on process.

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