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Working abroad with your ex


JCP
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Hi there,

 

New to this site and finding it useful and need some help and advice.

To cut a long story short my girlfriend of 18 months split with me two weeks ago and I cannot seem to initiate NC because our lives are so entwined.

To explain....

 

I moved to another country three and a half years ago for work to help set up a new department and 6 of us moved from our home country to do this. As the office was new there, there were also about 6 others who had moved from other countries to set up other depts. Quite quickly 4 or 5 of us formed a tight knit social circle and experienced the new country together whilst seeing our new office expand from 60 people to 250 people today.

 

For two years everything went great and one of the girls became my girlfriend 18 months ago. We'd been close friends and there was an undelying attraction for at least 6 months before we did anything. When we hooked up I could not have been happier and everyone of our new friends was glad we finally went for it.

 

However after an initial 6 months, we started to grow apart and though I tried harder and harder to make things work nothing seemed to make her happy and she called it a day two weeks ago. I knew it was coming, I know it was the right thing to do as it wasn't working (I think communication was an issue) and to be honest I think I became co-dependent with her and I now find it heart-renching to see her.

 

To make things worse our depts merged three months ago and I see her at least twice a day. We talked it through last week but it was clear she's switched off and we both now want to maintain NC. Problem is we share the same friends, I'm getting jealous when they hang out with her and I hate who I am when she's nearby. I want to scream at her and I want my friend back but I don't know within myself whether its because I want my lover back or the friendship I had before

 

I feel trapped in my life but I don't want to move back home and lose the good life I have. I'm staying active, eating and making a renewed effort to learn the language but I need some help on how to cope with this situation.

 

Any comments and advice would be welcomed

 

Thanks

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Throw yourself into evening language classes. Find expat places where she and other friends don't do and make new friends. Check out link removed for similar interest meetings.

 

The single most isolating thing about being in a foreign country is the language (I've done it twice so speak from experience), so that's where you should focus your efforts, STAT.

 

Hehe if you get a new girlfriend who doesn't speak English, that will ramp you up quick

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welcome to ENA. ^_^

 

you're right, you shouldn't leave a good career just because of the break up. i remember that i also had a hard time with my break up a year ago because my ex and i belonged in the same circle. he belonged in the counterpart frat of our sorority and there were a lot of awkward moments. i never thought we'd end up ok and still manage to work well (we're working on a project together). just give each other time to heal. good luck.

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@spinstermanquee - thanks for the advice. Have a lesson tomorrow and just done half an hour at home. I agree I need to get more from the locals but its just I wish I had that support structure now.

 

I think what I also need advice on is how to deal with her at work. I saw three times today and the guy who sits opposite me runs her reports and today she had to stand there as he explained a report for 5 mins in front of me and our mutual boss. I genuinely believe she's did not enjoy the experience but I'm beside myself to not get up and walk out of the office. I don't want anyone to see unusual behaviour from me.

 

The guys who sit nearby, clearly know something has taken a turn for the worse but she wants to tell people individually as she doesn't want an e-mail sent out or anything. I've managed to tell one person and I ended up looking like a quivering wreck. I hate myself when I'm like this.

 

How do I cope with that? Any advice?

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You need a mantra, quick. Something like, "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow's not here yet, dwell in the moment."

 

Or, "My next relationship will go SO much better from what I've learned here."

 

Something, anything positive to keep your head above water. Fake it 'til you make it! It will also keep you from trash talking her, or even being tempted to.

 

Focus on the positive, even if it means you have to be gallant where she might not deserve it.

 

Become a champion of your office team. Focus on the big team "we," not the smaller (you and her) "we" or even "I."

 

Just what immediately comes to mind. For this very reason I never fished off the company pier... I was afraid it would come back to haunt me hehe... but of course utmost sympathy for you my dear. It's just one of those things, you did nothing wrong you just have to live with her at work...

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you are a kind lady spinster.

 

Anyone know of an easy to learn meditation technique or breathing technique so that next time she pops up at my desk area I can at least appear to be calm.

 

When I know she'll be somewhere I'm fine, its just when something sudden happens, like a memory or a mention of her name that its the worst. Whenever that occurs I find myself falling into a negative mode. I'm not a spiritual person so not looking for a religious program, would like to create some mental blocks though so I can create a fallback technique to help me fake it to make it etc.......

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