Stalker in pain. Mixed signals. mind f'd.

[somuchpain]

case: almost 5 years, lived together for 2+. she just moved out. still visits right accross the street. ugh.

 

At this time I am a stalker. It's official. Eighty percent of the day I am a mad man and dwelling in self-pity. Thoughts buzzing around my head, all negative and of

the jealous nature.

 

She just won't admit to being with the neighbor. Why? I've seen the neighbor exit her car the other day and tonight she was given a ride home by him... It's

torture to my soul and mind. Looking out my window I can see my chick get into the car with another man.

 

How do I heal? I go into instant stalk when witnessing that. I was fine and gradually easing off the stalking until I saw him get out of her car that day.

Two days ago. My very first jaw-dropping moment. To me, that had always been just an expression, but

my mouth was agape and I could not close it. Felt like a kick to the gut and was almost vomit-inducing. Extreme emotional low that I have never been before.

 

Looking out the window, I saw her get in and ran to my car. They did it fast and quiet, I only saw her purse.

Ss fast as I could I hopped into the car to race her home and meet her with the neighbor.

Hoping to bait him into fighting me. Yes, I'm crazy right now. Logic is not here.

 

Driving up and down the street. Phone on permanent redial. Tonight I waited around with my lights off

hopefully to see if she got home. I was too late, I think she arrived just before I could get there.

Perhaps she got a kiss? Did they * * * * ? Those are my thoughts. She was angry about phone calls today and hung up on me pissed off. She later called back

and said she didn't want it to end on a bad note. Now, this was a good sign for me and triggered happiness and wellness.

I said thank you and ended the phone call.

 

When I saw her get in his car and get a ride home, well, I finally realized that was to just shut me up and prevent me from stalking tonight. I just wasn't aware.

I was calm with hope. Not on my stalk-game.

 

The only peace of mind comes when my ex-girlfriend responds nicely to my stalking and pretends we might get back together by giving me signals. She let me take her and her daughter out yesterday in which she gave me a signal. It was an air kiss without the hand, that was always a way to say I love you between us. Later, on the phone she told me she had a great time. Last night, I bought tickets to her daughters favorite concert and they were both psyched about that this afternoon. She wanted me to go with them. I bought another couple tickets for myself and her daughter's friend. Everyone was happy. Somehow, it went sour after repeat calls in the evening. I think she wanted to make her way to the neighbors.

 

Anyway, my question is for anyone that can offer me counsel here because I am seriously out of my mind. I need control of my emotions.

 

What should I make of these mixed signals? How to I persue?

 

How do I stop being a stalker? How do I not pick up that phone? Any methods available?

 

Can anyone share previous experience with being an out-of-control lunatic?

 

And Women, can you tell me, what would you get you back with your ex? Strategies, tips?

 

I need to figure out how to not call her tomorrow morning before she goes to work. And how to not go there. haha. Holy * * * * .

[Wisconsin guy]

Dude, I feel terrible for you. I've done the same stuff. Seems like you have alot of proof. All I can say is you should move on. But I know how hard that is to do

[somuchpain]

Yeah moving on is impossible for me at this time. The * * * * ing neighbor. I have this fog in my brain and anger and jealousy control me.

[lotus26]

I am really sorry to hear your story.

I saw my ex with someone else on Sunday, the day he dumped me.

It kills, i know.

You just need to sit down and tell yourself not to call, not to do anything.

Just try and focus on you (easier said then done, i know)

I deleted my exs number so i didnt call and everytime i wanted to send a message the number was not there.

You really need to have some self control, you need to think about what you really want? so you REALLY want to have this woman in your'e life after what you saw?

Please just have no contact for a few weeks and after then see how you feel.

No contact is HARD, delete that number, give the number to a friend and tell them not to give it back UNTIL you are ready.

 

I am so so sorry and i do feel your'e pain. x

[somuchpain]

Thank you for the reply. Deleting the number... Wow. I can't go through with that. I'll be honest, that is my last connection to her. She picks it up. Even without the number I'd still do drive-bys.

 

I going to try and garner up some self control and see what I can do. No calls tomorrow.

 

I have accomplished things in the past but cannot stop calling and stalking. My emotions will not let me focus on that task. I am out of my mind.

 

But what do I do if she calls me? Because she has. Should I ignore?

[mgirl]

anyone that can offer me counsel here because I am seriously out of my mind. I need control of my emotions.

 

I know how you feel. You let a certain part of yourself go in a relationship and when it ends, it feels hard to get back. But, you must realise, you can get this part back.

 

Here's the situation: you've broken up with your ex. The way i see it is you have several options:

 

-to wait it out and see if she wants to get back with you (why did you break up in the first place?), in which case you should allocate a timeframe in which to do it in. If it doesn't occur by this time, you need to move on.

 

-to ask her now if she'll get back with you and respect her wishes, regardless of the outcome

 

-to do nothing, to move on

 

-to cease contact with her and move on. Perhaps move out of the house if it is too much trouble for you.

 

*other strategies- make a list of 5 things to do, and do them. Eg, clean the house, wash the car

 

Either way, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Try regaining a part of yourself by engaging in some interests you gave up while with her. Regain your sense of self, for yourself and so that this does not happen again.

 

Ps. the calling bit (her), seems cruel, but i'm not sure she's aware of her impact on you. If you decide to move on, then don't answer the calls. You don't owe her anything...

 

I'm here if you wanna chat..

[somuchpain]

Thank you so so so much. We broke up because I was a piece of garbage and not paying enough attention or wanting to do enough family activities. I was also controlling in my ways of trying to get her to stop smoking. When she started visiting the neighbors I was jealous and stalkerish, but that turned out to be about right. The neighbors are male and female, brother and sister. Befriended sister first and then big bro came along.

 

It was the neighbors that turned out to be a support group to help her realize my foul ways and move out. There was also a huge scene at the neighbors house when I said * * * * it and went over there. The guy who now wants my chick was very rude and told me to * * * * off. It escalated out of control and at one point he was threatening me with a broken garden hoe.

 

That about sums it up. I think even if she does see I want to change and be a better man for her, she's afraid she'll lose her connection to the neighbor chick. Even though it makes me enraged, I know she doesn't have true feelings for the neighbor. He's a douche, but he is the one who spent time with her tonight. It's just hard to say if she's there for brother or sister.

 

But thanks for the suggestions, writing here is my first time I have been able to think straight. I can't accomplish normal tasks without dwelling. Any second I am not typing, I am thinking and that is trouble. That's me about to hop in my car and hang outside her mom's house in which she is staying at now.

 

So, yes, please talk otherwise I will continue down this spiral.

[mgirl]

Okay somuchpain (can i call you pain? no pun intended? just easier to type),

 

First of all, you are not a scuzz bag. We all make mistakes, you have to move on from them.

 

Now, secondly, i strongly recommend you make a list of 5 things to do, whether it be getting glass of water, cleaning the loungeroom, calling your mum or a friend, making dinner.

 

Post more below

[mgirl]

We broke up because I was a piece of garbage and not paying enough attention or wanting to do enough family activities.

 

Nobody said you were a piece of garbage, you said it and you need to change your thinking here. Why do you think you are a "piece of garbage"?

 

I was also controlling in my ways of trying to get her to stop smoking.

 

Why is that controlling? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, unfortunately. You had the right intention, perhaps the wrong approach?

 

There was also a huge scene at the neighbors house when I said * * * * it and went over there. The guy who now wants my chick was very rude and told me to * * * * off. It escalated out of control and at one point he was threatening me with a broken garden hoe.

 

Is she worth this type of situation? You don't want this to turn ugly!

 

So, yes, please talk otherwise I will continue down this spiral.

 

You should try to break this spiral, by making yourself busy.

[somuchpain]

I think I am a piece of garbage because of the mistakes I made in the relationship. Enough to drive her away even though she wanted a future with me.

 

I got obsessed with the smoking, it bothered me quite a bit since I quit and she was supposed to follow. But I quit years ago and she continued.

 

I harassed her for sure about it, talking at great length.

 

Now do you understand why I am garbage?

 

She definitely doesn't want to be told what to do, even if it's good.

 

I think she's worth losing my mind, and I have been.

 

I will do my best to keep busy and off the phone tomorrow. But that is my mood right now, later or tomorrow I will be a wreck. Mind over mind. Logic over emotion. Just got to stay positive. Think real. Stalking is bad.

 

It's already pretty ugly. Tonight I was called a stalker. Jealous rage.

[mgirl]

But, it's also "control". The jealousy bit comes from control. Why do you want to control her (I don't mean this in a bad way). I know it comes from good intentions from you. I don't think you're garbage just because you tried to get her to quit smoking. It is a bad habit.

 

It sounds like her and yourself have got no closure: there will come a time when you will have to know where you stand and as a result, you will need to ask her this. It is hard to let go at the start, because we want "control", every human being wants control. But, in order to move on and fill the space with something good, we need to let go.

[Anonybrit]

OP I think you know that you are getting into a spiral of behavior that's going to continue getting more dangerous for bot your state of mind and mental health as well as maybe her safety unless you grab onto a moment of clarity now and put and end to it.

 

We all know how utterly devastating these things can be and how incredibly hard it can be to regain control when you're so hurt and frantic, but you've already let it go too far and you know you have to pull yourself out of the downward spiral now.

 

No contact will be extremely hard, I would suggest seeing a doctor, getting a sick note for depression (very easy to get) and if you can, take a vacation somewhere out of reach of her, for a week or two or even more.

 

I know that sounds drastic but you have to admit, your situation calls for drastic measures, you don't want this to get any worse.

 

Start thinking about the future of your own romantic life too, about girls you know who you might like and be interested in.

[somuchpain]

I would take a vacation and just leave this madness but I am stuck with three pets from the relationship. She could not take them with her to her mom's apartment and now they are mine.

 

I think you're right. It is a horrible behaviour but honestly I can avoid it until I witness something right outside my window. It's horrible. I know on friday she won't have her kid and she'll probably be over. Laughing it up, having a great time while I sit in solitude accross the street. Fuming. Thinking of ideas on how to start a fight.

 

I haven't called today, she called me earlier and asked what was up with the stalking last night. I felt that as a good sign. Why bother calling if I had not been calling?

 

I haven't talked to her since and am resisting the urge to dial that phone.

 

Today, a little bit I have thought about my future. There is a chick who would probably dig me if I tried.

[Anonybrit]

Focus on this other girl then, and see if you can off-load the pets onto some neighbors or friends for a week or something. I'm not sure what country you live in but for example here in the UK, if you tell your doctor that you're unable to work due to depression there's no way they can refuse to give you a sick note - and it cannot be understated how beneficial some time away in a new environment can be. I'd do it myself right now if I had any money.

 

What you're doing isn't healthy but you're by no means a bad or horrible person, it's just not sustainable behavior and a few weeks or months down the same line and it's hard to imagine things not getting a lot worse for everybody.

 

People often say "just forget about her", "just move on", "ignore her" etc. but alone those things aren't enough, you've got to fill in the holes the breakup has caused and that means looking ahead to new prospects in your life - that's the best way to move on because it removes the need you have for her entirely.

[SnowFox]

Just a few ideas

 

1. can you move?

 

2. you can hire pet-sitters to watch pets while you're gone

 

3. stop spending time with the girl. the girl is feeding you mixed messages. Her behavior is feeding your obsession. If she doesn't want to be with you, she should not be calling you and spending time with you. The advice given to victims of stalkers is to tell the stalker unequivocally that the victim does not want to be contacted ever again and if they are, they will report it to the police. Have you considered that she is just using you to help her get over the relationship?

 

4. you have to take responsibility for your own actions. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

 

5. you sound like you need professional help. If you want this toxic pattern in your life to change, you are going to have to take action to make it change - such as: seeing a therapist, moving to a new location, possibly taking medication, etc.

 

good luck!