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Break NC for one last message?


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Hi Guys,

 

As you can tell by the number of posts this week i am really struggling so would appreciate your thoughts.

 

Im nearing a month of NC on my part. I didnt have one final chat with the ex.. i just walked away. For a brief overview of my story click here

 

Briefly she left 10 months ago after 6 years, moved in with a new guy almost immediately, briefly came back on the 6 month mark.

 

We'd been in pretty constant contact throughout, she was always saying how much she missed me, loved me but couldnt be with me, even had very intense sex chats a couple of times which she initiated etc etc...it was total confusion and i was getting emotionally drained. A month ago we'd had this very intimate chat of the morning, of the evening I found out she had flew off on some 5 day island holiday with her boyf that afternoon. It was too much. After speaking to friends and reading these forums I just decided to walk away. I cut all ties, changed my accounts that she was still accessing. She would have known I knew about her trip.. I didnt hear anything for a week then I got 2 messages over a weekend asking if she could have the new account details for a music store. Then in the week she just sent me some leads for my business, no text. Since then nothing.

 

So here we are today. For some reason this last week I have been extremely emotional. I cant get her out of my head. I dont mind admitting I've broke down a few times. Why this now? Is it grief and am finally accepting its over for good?

 

One thing that keeps playing on my mind is that I just walked away.. most of these forums say you should tell them your doing it... I've known her for 9 years and although she put me through crap, I would hate to think her last impression of me was maybe a petulant act so I was thinking of dropping her one last note saying why I had to walk away, that I had to heal and we both had to get on with our separate lives. I went NC obviously to heal but secondly i guess if im honest, as a last attempt, to show her what her life would be like totally without me in the picture. Maybe she will miss me, maybe not but obviously im aware that NC is the best way for me to heal, i just feel i should have told her first... so i am so tempted to drop one last note...advice pls before I do something i may regret?

 

Sigh.. This sounds pathetic I know. This time last year we were away on many of our long trips away together, it was a wonderful time & it amazes me where I am now.. I just feel like before this happened I was sat on a beautiful balcony on a gorgeous villa overlooking the ocean on a perfect summers day then all of a sudden a huge wave came and just destroyed everything in my life in the blink of an eye.

 

Thanks for reading.

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Don't do it Jay, it will only set you back. It's hard, but you have to be strong now for your own sake. You need to start healing and you made a stand to go NC because you know that's what you have to do now. All of us are in the same boat, but we have to stay strong. There is no shortcut, just take it one day at a time and feel your emotions. It's damn hard, but it's the only way .

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I'm guessing your urge to send "one last email" is based on a desire to feel like you have some small amount of control in an uncontrollable situation.

 

It feels scary to "let go" and stick with NC because it feels like we are powerless and "not doing anything."

 

But going NC is a) choice and b) a set of behaviors - so, even if we don't see the effects, we ARE exerting some control over the only thing we all ultimately have control over anyway - ourselves.

 

I think we all just wish we could control our ex and make them do what we want. I think that is what underlies the desire to "do something" - email, text, call, send letters, etc.

 

Based on what you have been through and how your ex has behaved, I would say that staying NC puts you in a stronger position at this point. It protects you and it sends a message that you are autonomous and not easily manipulated (which I think is positive).

 

Also, emailing will not achieve anything that I can see, based on what you've written about your sitch.

 

I think when we have been apart from someone for a while and then we have some LC, it can really trigger off a delayed grief reaction. I have been experiencing this myself lately after some LC around my birthday a couple of weeks ago. The grief didn't really hit me until about a week later.

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I wouldn't break no contact, you have been doing so good so far. This girls seems to be using you and when she gets what she wants (attention, knowing you're still there, someone to flirt with), she goes back to her boyfriend. This is emotional for you because when she comes your way, you get your hopes up and then she comes in and shatters you to pieces. It would be best to continue NC and let yourself heal.

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Thanks for this. Yes, sending an email would likely get no response or a reply along the lines of wish you well.. something we have both done before in the past. If im honest, I know she will know why i've walked away. We spoke about it many times that we were both not moving on. I think if she just would have left said I dont love you etc etc it would have been so much easier to get over, but right up until i went NC she was still saying she loved me, wears the necklace and ring I gave to her so it was a totally confusing situation. If i was in love with someone else, living with them I would be all loved up and certainly not behaving in this manner. The problem is i just dont understand and this is why its so hard to let go. Many people told me the only way was to walk away, let her miss me, let this guy deal fully with all the emotional stuff as im well aware while ive been in contact i've been taking up all that whilst he gets all the benefits of a new relationship.

 

I also dont know why i suddenly feel this huge sadness. I was doing ok until last week then it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadnt been thinking of all the good times etc for a while but these last few days I cant stop thinking about it. I dont know why. Maybe its grief. Becouse we've always been in contact throughout this mess maybe it felt like it wasnt completely over if you know what i mean. I also keep thinking about the way I just disappeared from her life... I didnt like ignoring her messages but then she didnt ask how i was or anything, just asked about the account details for the music store. Nice..although she is useless about expressing her feelings so this was probably just to get my attention.

 

This NC is extremely tough!](*,)

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jay you are going through the stages. it's like withdrawal from an addiction.........your body/mind craves the ex and the withdrawal is a killer.

 

actions speak louder than words........it's easy to say 'i love you' to someone but much harder to show it with actions. Her being with another guy should tell you that. people like your ex who are not in touch with their emotions will throw around lines willy nilly........it doesn't mean much because they have no comprehension for what their emotions actually mean.

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i broke nc last thurs for my own healing. she got with another guy just 3 days later we broke up and i just wanted to tell her that ive accepted everything that happened in the last 2 months of being broken up. wished her well and told her basically that we werent meant to be together and respect her despite things that have happened.

 

we ended bad so i made sure me and her ended in a good note. i told her on an email not to reply and respected her for that and told her just to email me her address for the things she wanted back. got a reply email of her address and sent her things.

 

I felt good after sending that email and breaking nc for me was part of my healing and me forgiving. I never once told her i forgave her cause its me that forgace her inside by ending the relatiponship in a good note. Nothing from her since and i know i will never get a random call or msg back. Still have setbacks but i know it was part of my healing. I dont expect or ever want her back i know my setbacks are my thoughts and memories which are having less and less effect on me.

 

my advice man - if its just to end it in a good note and forgiveness and moving on, then do it. As long as thats the end of it. And i told my ex that im never breaking no contact forever. if thats the reason then go for it.

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I totally understand how you feel - in the LC I've had with my ex - its all been, I miss you, I love you, I'm so sorry, I've made a mistake, etc...

 

but no definitive move to reconcile.

 

So I understand how that kind of stuff just tugs at our heartstrings and feels like we are being played like a puppet.

 

I think we just have to discipline ourselves at times. Its like an athlete training for an event - we have to do it even though it doesn't always feel good. We have to keep our eyes on the bigger picture - short term pains for long term gains. NC takes a lot of self-discipline and I think there is a lot of evidence that self-discipline usually pays off in life in the long run.

 

The person who eats the piece of cake impulsively rather than eating an apple instead. The person who charges a bunch of stuff on their credit card vs. the person who sticks to their budget. The person who shows up late for work figuring no one will notice vs. the person who comes in before the boss each day. All examples of delaying short term gratification for longer term gain.

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It's so hard but trust me it is definitely worth it. You owe it to yourself to stay strong. What's done is done and there's nothing you can do at this point. I can sit here all day and give you advice, when really I struggle to take any of it myself. But really just focus on yourself for now, every minute you don't think about her is an accomplishment.

 

I can definitely vouch for the delayed grief. It's all part of the process. You could feel real optomistic for a few weeks, then all of a sudden something small might trigger a week of hell for you. All these memories will flood back. I'm struggling with that too right now and almost broke down at the gym today, you only remember the good times right? And all the reasons you love this girl and how special she is to you? The laughs and the way her smile could light up even the darkest room.

 

Don't try to push it back away, think about it. Grieve, cry, throw a tantrum. Just deal with these moments when they come, as hard as they are. Then one day you will feel better and it will last.

 

So do it for yourself man, stay strong, I'm sure she understands why you're taking the NC route. You don't have to explain yourself. It's time for you to show yourself how strong you can be and how you don't need her to be happy.

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Thanks for all the posts guys.. its been a bad week, probably the worst i've had since this all happened 10 months ago but your posts certainly lift me and prevented me from sending anything.

 

Allgood - I've been down this route with her before and sent these messages wishing her wll etc but she always came back a few weeks later. In reflection i think she will know why i walked away this time the way i did and in many ways i think she would welcome it so she too can get on with her life. I've kind of made it easier for her to let go as before I think maybe she was keeping in touch out of guilt. or something else than wanting to come back anyway.

 

I knew NC would be hard and i was kind of prepared for feeling like this. It is like an addiction for sure. I'm missing her terribly at the moment and im struggling to get her out of my mind. I guess in time it will pass. I'm also a bit sad i guess that she hasnt made any real attempt at contact since the lame one about my music account password. She always initiated it in the past but I think she knows this time im gone and the ball is entirely in her court, something i know she wont take up becouse she just cannot express feelings. In 9 years we have never gone this long without talking.

 

As someone said, words are easy. Love is an action and i guess her lack of any action says all all i need to know.

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well bro i commend you for being strong man....mine was only 2.2 years so i dont know what ur goin through if its 9years. i consider myself lucky but at the same time it really shows me how strong some people really are. I think no contact is the best for you man. And stay strong bro and you are getting through it, just knowing your this strong makes me really wanna become stronger and heal faster.

 

all the best man and stay strong

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Just want to say thanks for all you guys who posted today. I didnt send the email.

 

Which proved to be quite fortunate as I just logged on to facebook (i deleted most people off who were connected to my ex) but one of my close friends was tagged in a bar where a friend of my ex was holding a birthday party... up popped around 10 pics of my ex happily cuddling, kissing her boyf.

 

I feel like total crap now but jeez if i would have sent that note like i was going to this morning before posting, i would have felt like a total loser.

 

it amazes me how she can be telling me one thing a few weeks ago, same story as the last 9 months really, then be so brazen in front of close friends of mine who know the real story.

 

I am going to have a strong whisky and go to bed. ](*,)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi guys, sorry to bump my own thread. Its been 5 or 6 weeks now of no contact.. If any of you remember my full story in Jan I moved company who's head office was in another country (although just a 3 hour drive away). We have a company apartment that ive used before but they have now asked if I would like to move there permanently. After thinking hard and long and talking to friends and family ive decided to move down there and either rent or sell the house. Tough decision to make but I think its a great career move and will give me a totally fresh start in new surroundings. It was incredibly upsetting living in the house we had renovated together and shared so many memories. I have made a nice bit of money on the property so will probably sell it but I think thats a decision for another day.

 

So, back to the original thread... it still plays on my mind that I just walked away and went NC without a word despite good cause. I would like to send just a quite note explaining why i walked away and went NC, wish her all the happiness for the future and I guess apologise for anything that led her to being so unhappy that she felt she had to leave. To me it would bring a bit of closure I guess but what im asking is does this just make me look weak? I do want her to feel the full force of having me completely out of her life and also see how the guy she shacked up with deals with having the full package now... I expect to get nothing back from her, ive seen lots of pics of them unfortunately over the last few weeks on FB and she looks very happy.

 

Anyway just would like some thoughts guys, Im determined to put this behind me now and I think it would make me feel better sending this one last goodbye.

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Hi guys, sorry to bump my own thread. Its been 5 or 6 weeks now of no contact.. If any of you remember my full story in Jan I moved company who's head office was in another country (although just a 3 hour drive away). We have a company apartment that ive used before but they have now asked if I would like to move there permanently. After thinking hard and long and talking to friends and family ive decided to move down there and either rent or sell the house. Tough decision to make but I think its a great career move and will give me a totally fresh start in new surroundings. It was incredibly upsetting living in the house we had renovated together and shared so many memories. I have made a nice bit of money on the property so will probably sell it but I think thats a decision for another day.

 

So, back to the original thread... it still plays on my mind that I just walked away and went NC without a word despite good cause. I would like to send just a quite note explaining why i walked away and went NC, wish her all the happiness for the future and I guess apologise for anything that led her to being so unhappy that she felt she had to leave. To me it would bring a bit of closure I guess but what im asking is does this just make me look weak? I do want her to feel the full force of having me completely out of her life and also see how the guy she shacked up with deals with having the full package now... I expect to get nothing back from her, ive seen lots of pics of them unfortunately over the last few weeks on FB and she looks very happy.

 

Anyway just would like some thoughts guys, Im determined to put this behind me now and I think it would make me feel better sending this one last goodbye.

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just be honest with yourself.....if you really think if its for your healing and letting go then do it....make it the last time...

 

i still havent contacted my ex after my last email but falling in checking her facebook (ive deleted her but can still search her up).....For me i keep reading the last email i sent her cause to me its all i had to say and told her no contact is the best for both of us - (i found out for certain she is with the guy she left me for through her friends facebook profiles which i have deleted as well)

 

As for moving you gotta do it man to get rid of the memories and the attached emotions with those material possessions (house, pics,clothes) --- i got rid of all the sentimental things my ex has given me - furniture etc.....had to get a new table - chuck out stuff she gave me like clothes or clothes i wore that i remember relating to a special day we had...letters, pictures....deleted. Almost everything relating to her is gone from my life....i have a few stuff left which reminds me of her which i will get rid of when im ready.

 

do what u gotta do to move on and survive man. For me im just about to hit the 3month mark and its getting hard....one of my close friends just got married and that just brought back memories of what i wanted with my ex..so its been hard

 

bro i commend you for being strong - email her one last time if its for closure, healing, letting go and moving on....not because you want her back...and you should end the email reinforcing no contact --- delete her number from your mobile....and ask friends not to call on witheld numbers.....

 

 

all the best man

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just be honest with yourself.....if you really think if its for your healing and letting go then do it....make it the last time...

 

i still havent contacted my ex after my last email but falling in checking her facebook (ive deleted her but can still search her up).....For me i keep reading the last email i sent her cause to me its all i had to say and told her no contact is the best for both of us - (i found out for certain she is with the guy she left me for through her friends facebook profiles which i have deleted as well)

 

As for moving you gotta do it man to get rid of the memories and the attached emotions with those material possessions (house, pics,clothes) --- i got rid of all the sentimental things my ex has given me - furniture etc.....had to get a new table - chuck out stuff she gave me like clothes or clothes i wore that i remember relating to a special day we had...letters, pictures....deleted. Almost everything relating to her is gone from my life....i have a few stuff left which reminds me of her which i will get rid of when im ready.

 

do what u gotta do to move on and survive man. For me im just about to hit the 3month mark and its getting hard....one of my close friends just got married and that just brought back memories of what i wanted with my ex..so its been hard

 

bro i commend you for being strong - email her one last time if its for closure, healing, letting go and moving on....not because you want her back...and you should end the email reinforcing no contact --- delete her number from your mobile....and ask friends not to call on witheld numbers.....

 

 

all the best man

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Thanks for the reply allgood.. this really is about me just wanting to walk away and not regretting i didnt say anything. Despite all the crap she put me through I do still care for her and just want her to know i guess that I dont hold any grudges, am grateful for the memories I have and wish her all the best for the future. After that, I draw a line under it. At the mo every time i think of her im thinking of the way i just disappeared. At the time it felt as if i was just being strong but now I think it looks a bit childish and i was doing it to see if it would have an effect on her. It didnt obviously and its just time i let this go and wish her all the best... that what i think anyway.

 

Re: possessions, yep everything went apart from pics/vids that i put on an external drive. As we bought the house together as a bare unit there are just so many memories of decorating it and renovating etc that it will always hold painful reminders... i think thats why i will sell it although im going to leave that for a while as it will heartbreaking to do so as its a lovely house. Maybe ill feel better about the place in 6 months and wont need to.. we'll see.

 

Hope you are feeling better about your situation. I know how hard it is when they are with someone else. its heartbreaking. Im 38 and ive never gone through such a traumatic and sad time in my life.

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Thanks for the reply allgood.. this really is about me just wanting to walk away and not regretting i didnt say anything. Despite all the crap she put me through I do still care for her and just want her to know i guess that I dont hold any grudges, am grateful for the memories I have and wish her all the best for the future. After that, I draw a line under it. At the mo every time i think of her im thinking of the way i just disappeared. At the time it felt as if i was just being strong but now I think it looks a bit childish and i was doing it to see if it would have an effect on her. It didnt obviously and its just time i let this go and wish her all the best... that what i think anyway.

 

Re: possessions, yep everything went apart from pics/vids that i put on an external drive. As we bought the house together as a bare unit there are just so many memories of decorating it and renovating etc that it will always hold painful reminders... i think thats why i will sell it although im going to leave that for a while as it will heartbreaking to do so as its a lovely house. Maybe ill feel better about the place in 6 months and wont need to.. we'll see.

 

Hope you are feeling better about your situation. I know how hard it is when they are with someone else. its heartbreaking. Im 38 and ive never gone through such a traumatic and sad time in my life.

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I think if you make a move like that, you really have to do it just based on your own internal feelings/needs - and let go of any thought about "how it will make you look" or how the ex will react.

 

The truth is, you probably will never know how your ex feels about it- so there isn't much point in trying to play your cards on the basis of their reaction.

 

If you need to do it for your own closure, then I say do it. To me, there is nothing "weak" about sharing how we feel with someone. In fact, if you think about it, being able to share our feelings with someone who hurt us actually reflects a lot of inner strength and courage.

 

Again, that is only if you do it totally for your own internal feelings - no expectations of any type of feeling or response from the ex.

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I think if you make a move like that, you really have to do it just based on your own internal feelings/needs - and let go of any thought about "how it will make you look" or how the ex will react.

 

The truth is, you probably will never know how your ex feels about it- so there isn't much point in trying to play your cards on the basis of their reaction.

 

If you need to do it for your own closure, then I say do it. To me, there is nothing "weak" about sharing how we feel with someone. In fact, if you think about it, being able to share our feelings with someone who hurt us actually reflects a lot of inner strength and courage.

 

Again, that is only if you do it totally for your own internal feelings - no expectations of any type of feeling or response from the ex.

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Thanks for this. I dont expect anything back from the ex at all. After us going back and forth for the last 10 months I think she will have decided to give it a proper go with this guy rather than coming to me all the time and having all the upset of it.

 

For me, it is just about drawing a line under it all and wishing her well for the future with no grudges. There has been so much sadness over the last 10 months. I had an amazing 6 years with this girl and I just want to walk away, head held high knowing I did all I could and left it on a good note whatever she may think.

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I wouldn't send anything. Def not right now. And believe me I am one for writing letters, sending cards and emailing. She is with someone else now. That is all the closure you need. Sort your move out and see how you feel after that. I don't believe anyone can send this kind of thing with zero expectation. ..only because I know I have done the exact same thing.

 

She will not feel the full force of you out of her life if you send a note. Do it when you have really gone. You are not quite gone yet I'd say.

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I wouldn't send anything. Def not right now. And believe me I am one for writing letters, sending cards and emailing. She is with someone else now. That is all the closure you need. Sort your move out and see how you feel after that. I don't believe anyone can send this kind of thing with zero expectation. ..only because I know I have done the exact same thing.

 

She will not feel the full force of you out of her life if you send a note. Do it when you have really gone. You are not quite gone yet I'd say.

 

yep, this is why ive had the email sat in my draft box for a week or two.. she looked so happy in the pics with her boyf and really there is nothing left to say ](*,)

 

I will send something at some point, but maybe ur right, leave it for a few months more when im in a better place.

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I too have wondered lately weather to break NC just to explain to him the reason for NC.. that it is for the best at this point, but to explain to him that I do deep down hope that one day we may be able to have a friendship, even though I know that probably wont be anytime soon!

 

Then I have to think, well he too is playing the NC game, and probably for his own reasons of healing too. He hasnt explained anything to me either. I guess deep down you just know that you each have your own reasons for it. But ultimatley you dont owe her anything! you dont need to justify youself to her anymore!!

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