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Not sure why I'm married


goodguy17
Happy In an Unhappy Marriage
Happy In an Unhappy Marriage

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I just registered after reading many of the threads/posts. This "community" appears to be a good place to turn.

 

I've been married for 2y 10m (we've been together for 5y 6m), and I'm not sure why I'm married. There are no kids involved, we both work and earn similar salaries. There is no romance between us, and my wife chose to discontinue couples counseling because it made her feel worse rather than better.

 

When my wife asked me if I loved her before getting married, I told her that I didn't know. I expressed that I didn't feel about her the way I did about 2 other women that I dated in my past and knew I loved. I also admitted that neither of those women loved me (or loved enough) to stay together (both of these women ended our relationship). At the time we were considering marriage, I expressed that my confidence in my own judgment was low (mostly due to feeling that I had made good choices and had many accomplishments, yet my career and life seemed to be deteriorating anyway). I agreed to get married based on her faith that it was the right thing to do and give it my best shot. At many points after that decision but prior to the wedding, I had pause.

 

My feelings toward my wife are of respect, caring, etc. but not love. Though I have sexual desires, we have no sex life, but I never had a strong physical desire for her even in the beginning. I don't know if she desires me, but there is little indication of it. I am not cheating on her in any way. We come from slightly different economic circumstances but not radically. Her never-ending desire to reach/spend at a socio-economic level above ours is irksome, and I have discussed this with her.

 

I want to file for divorce, but she can't afford our home by herself, the market will make it tough to sell, and we will have to live together closely even after the filing. I have not spoken to her about divorce, and I don't want to serve her papers until there is a way out for both of us.

 

Not sure if I'm doing the right thing. She deserves someone who loves her, and I don't want to eat up valuable years of hers living with me when she could be meeting someone right for her. I also would like to move on and not feel like a schmuck for getting married when I probably shouldn't have.

 

Thanks in advance for reading this long post.

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I just registered after reading many of the threads/posts. This "community" appears to be a good place to turn.

 

I've been married for 2y 10m (we've been together for 5y 6m), and I'm not sure why I'm married. There are no kids involved, we both work and earn similar salaries. There is no romance between us, and my wife chose to discontinue couples counseling because it made her feel worse rather than better.

 

When my wife asked me if I loved her before getting married, I told her that I didn't know. I expressed that I didn't feel about her the way I did about 2 other women that I dated in my past and knew I loved. I also admitted that neither of those women loved me (or loved enough) to stay together (both of these women ended our relationship). At the time we were considering marriage, I expressed that my confidence in my own judgment was low (mostly due to feeling that I had made good choices and had many accomplishments, yet my career and life seemed to be deteriorating anyway). I agreed to get married based on her faith that it was the right thing to do and give it my best shot. At many points after that decision but prior to the wedding, I had pause.

 

My feelings toward my wife are of respect, caring, etc. but not love. Though I have sexual desires, we have no sex life, but I never had a strong physical desire for her even in the beginning. I don't know if she desires me, but there is little indication of it. I am not cheating on her in any way. We come from slightly different economic circumstances but not radically. Her never-ending desire to reach/spend at a socio-economic level above ours is irksome, and I have discussed this with her.

 

I want to file for divorce, but she can't afford our home by herself, the market will make it tough to sell, and we will have to live together closely even after the filing. I have not spoken to her about divorce, and I don't want to serve her papers until there is a way out for both of us.

 

Not sure if I'm doing the right thing. She deserves someone who loves her, and I don't want to eat up valuable years of hers living with me when she could be meeting someone right for her. I also would like to move on and not feel like a schmuck for getting married when I probably shouldn't have.

 

Thanks in advance for reading this long post.

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You sound like a very level-headed individual and I do believe you are probably doing the right thing. If you don't love her and don't want to be in this relationship and know there is not a chance that this will ever be the case, then I believe a divorce would be the best thing for both of you to try and find happiness.

 

Do you think she will be devastated by the divorce (emotionally)? Is she in-love with you? Does she tell you she loves you and wants to be with you?

 

Sorry for all of the questions...

 

It sounds as though you knew from the start that this wouldn't work, but did it thinking it may "grow into something more". And now, you know as well as any of us, this was a big mistake. Hopefully no one here will beat you up any more than you have yourself.

 

Oh...and welcome to eNA!

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You sound like a very level-headed individual and I do believe you are probably doing the right thing. If you don't love her and don't want to be in this relationship and know there is not a chance that this will ever be the case, then I believe a divorce would be the best thing for both of you to try and find happiness.

 

Do you think she will be devastated by the divorce (emotionally)? Is she in-love with you? Does she tell you she loves you and wants to be with you?

 

Sorry for all of the questions...

 

It sounds as though you knew from the start that this wouldn't work, but did it thinking it may "grow into something more". And now, you know as well as any of us, this was a big mistake. Hopefully no one here will beat you up any more than you have yourself.

 

Oh...and welcome to eNA!

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It's going to be hard, but you're going to have to talk to her about a divorce- she's in this too so don't leave her out! Give her your thoughts and reasons and listen to hers. Communication is always key. It will be hard to speak about it but it will be easier than guessing what she is thinking, or staying together in a relationship you are not sure about.

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Do you think she will be devastated by the divorce (emotionally)? Is she in-love with you? Does she tell you she loves you and wants to be with you?

 

I don't know about devastated but definitely hurt and angry. I believe she is disappointed in the lack of romance. She says she loves me but it's in ways that can be construed as "passing" vice looking into my eyes and saying it.

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Well, it definitely can't go on for you two the way it is and if the feelings just aren't there...it would be best. In your 40's is still young! You two can find different paths to find happiness. She will be hurt and angry, but I am sure she won't be shocked. Surely she knows something is up...

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It's going to be hard, but you're going to have to talk to her about a divorce- she's in this too so don't leave her out! Give her your thoughts and reasons and listen to hers. Communication is always key. It will be hard to speak about it but it will be easier than guessing what she is thinking, or staying together in a relationship you are not sure about.

 

My concern here is a Pandora's box. Once breached, this topic can't ever go away again. If we can't do anything about it right now anyway, isn't it better to allow her to be happy a little longer, especially with the close quarters issue?

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Did you do a little jig and say "Juuust kidding!" after stating your wedding vows? Then its okay.

 

When someone makes a commitment, "till death do us part," its not some silly thing people are saying...its not saying, hey I'm committing to a ride on the carousal. Its not saying, "until I'm bored." Isn't anything sacred?

 

 

Marriage is not sacred..I know quite a few people who got married for reasons other than love and are not really committed to their partner.

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And this is one of those cases. This is just something on a piece of paper. I assumed this was a very young couple, not someone in their 40's.

 

Age is not really a factor...people in their 40's, 50's etc marry for reasons other than love...in fact, I think that is even more common in older age groups than younger age groups. How many divorced people or widowed people grab the next person who comes along so that they won't have to be alone or so that they have someone to help raise the children or take care of them.

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Hi..You must stand on your own way. If you don't love her, you must let her go. Everyone deserves to be happy. How does the relatioship takes too long if love doesn't exists on bith sides? Life is too short to be unhappy. I suggest, divorce!

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I think you are showing that you are sensitive to her feelings by considering the timing of announcing such thoughts to her. You are right that once the word "divorce" is uttered in a marriage, it is not something that can easily be forgotten. The fact that it is said openly will underlie all future arguments and conflictual interactions.

 

So....that being said, I also think you should let her go, and try to work on the financial issues so that you will know when you are both in a better position to handle the separation and subsequent divorce.

 

I also think that when you do tell her, you should emphasize that you are not able to give her the love you know she deserves and you do not feel right keeping her away from potential partners who can do that. That would be, IMO, probably the least painful way to deliver the message.

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Marriage isn't sacred anymore, no.

 

With the divorce rate so high, and infidelity by both genders booming, marriage is nothing but an inconvenience now. I'd go so far as to even say relationships are becoming more pain and sorrow than happiness and joy.

 

The amount of loyal partners left in this world that would not cheat is so diminished, it is equivalent to looking for a needle in a haystack the size of the earth.

 

Yep most of the sheeple haven't realized that tradition no longer makes sense and should think differently about marriage, college, religion and politics in addition to banks, hmo's wall street etc.

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Despite having been raised going to church every Sunday, I have always believed more in spirituality than religion. My wife and I discussed prior to marriage, the difficulty I was having in that I admitted the lack of emotions that I wanted to get married. It was my wife, not me, that mentioned that the worst case was only a divorce. Additionally, I told my wife that if having children was critical to her being fulfilled in her life, I probably wasn't the guy for her as I didn't see having children as an option at my age or situation in life.

 

I always hear that, "Marriage is a commitment and that's why women want to be married." In my mind, a commitment is it's own bond. Marriage is a change in legal status. People choose to be committed to each other and no piece of paper or legal statute makes that more or less so. I don't believe this to be a male viewpoint only. I have known many men anticipate the last child graduating from high school so that they can be with their wives whom they love dearly only to receive divorce papers telling them that she is leaving because without the kids, there's nothing between them.

 

More than anything, I feel badly that I didn't have the confidence and strength to say no to the marriage in the first place despite my gut and instincts. I guess that I don't want make that mistake again by continuing down this path...for both of our sakes.

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I think your view are really immoral and I'm surprised you go to church. I don't know what you mean by spiritual vs. religious. To say that marriage is only a piece of paper is horribly wrong. You should have never gotten married in the first place if you had so many doubts. And, children are beautiful.

 

Gratsy,

 

You're entitled to your opinion of my views. By joining this "community" and asking for some interaction, I knew that there would be some who see me as a "bad" person in many ways.

 

- Spirituality vs. Religion - I believe in a singular God or higher power and I have a relationship with Him. I don't agree with the many religions (e.g. Roman Catholic, Judaism, etc) that dictate how I may have that relationship and that their methodology is the only one that will allow you into heaven. Considering that God created all that exists in the universe, I am amazed at how narrowly we humans portray God's viewpoint and acceptance of us.

 

- Marriage should be many things, but it has a personal component (the commitment freely made by the individuals to each other), a religious component (vow made in front of God and witnesses as defined by the religious denomination) and a legal component (the change in legal status that affects taxes, finances, etc.) I have admitted my errors concerning the personal component.

 

- Children - I agree that they are beautiful in every way. I don't agree that because they are beautiful everyone should have them.

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It is not at all selfish to not want children...in fact some very selfish people I know have children and some of the most unselfish people I know don't. Some people want children for purely selfish reasons...to mould someone in their image so that their children become an extension of themself. Some people have children and then don't give them the right time of day. There is a world of unselfish things people can do when they don't have children..volunteering, helping people etc.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Goodguy, It sounds like you have been pretty above board all along. You told her you had doubts before you got married, you went to counseling with her, you have talked about your problems together.... I don't see how talking about divorce would be surprising to her at this point. Of course she will be hurt, that's normal, but if you are sure you don't want to be with her, then you will be doing her a favor by leaving her. Now it will not seem that way but eventually she will be happier in another relationship. I can see you are suffering with this too. It is sad regardless of the dynamics. I hope you become comfortable with your decision. It is for the best.

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