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I don't have to have sex


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If you'll excuse me a bit, a little over a month ago someone asked me if I was "dominant or submissive." I said that I had no idea and asked how I would know. She told me that she knew that she was submissive when she was still a virgin, and asked my how I fantasized things.

 

What hit me is that I've never imagined myself doing anything sexual with anyone. I don't think I've even wanted to. I am attracted to women, and I am at the point in my life when I would like to have a romantic relationship, but I don't want to have sex. My school always pushed "abstinence until marriage" on us and I thought that was a good idea since it meant that sex could be an expression of love, but I didn't understand how it could be. I just assumed I would figure it out and come to enjoy it, even though I was glad not to have to figure it out just yet.

 

So this was pretty weird to me once I figured it out. Here I am, one person who is romantically interested in women and would like to have a relationship, but has no desire to have sex, ever. Turns out I'm not the only one (link removed). If I was the only one, it wouldn't change anything now that I have some new ideas. Here are some of my new ideas:

 

1. Romance and sex aren't the same thing. They go together for many people, but they aren't the same thing.

2. There is nothing wrong with me as long as I'm happy with it and I can pursue things from this perspective.

3. A man really would be okay too. I wouldn't want to have sex with a man, but I wouldn't want to have sex with a woman either. I kind of assumed heterosexuality until I had reason to think otherwise.

4. An "open" relationship would be okay. Even if the person I'm dating liked the other people, they wouldn't necessarily be a threat to me, because it's about some natural impulse I've never understood. He/she could "love" me and "like/enjoy" the other people. And if they get syphilis it wouldn't directly be my problem. Someone with a low sex drive would be okay too, and I guess I could see if I could grit my teeth for some of the stuff to make them happy, although I'd rather not commit to this idea.

 

Now clearly this doesn't describe most people here. There are a lot virgins who are very uncomfortable with the fact that they haven't had sex, although I've never understood that. There are people with crippling social anxiety. There are all kinds of "normal" people who just have obstacles they need to get around. I have to think there are a few people like me, though, who never really considered the possibility they could not want to have sex and that that would be okay.

 

As for what I'm going to do personally? I never dated in highschool, and I only had one "crush" near the end towards someone I was very close to emotionally. In fact, I would often ask other people why they dated, since it seemed so strange to me. The men would tell me it was for sex (which I thought was silly of them) and the women would give me some vague answer that didn't make sense but sounded better than the male answer (which may have been a euphemism for sex with people they're emotionally close to). And I am fairly shy and private, although I can hold my own in a conversation and have had both male and female friends.

 

So what this means is that if I want to date someone, I am going to have to get myself out there socially and make my romantic intent clear. And if I want the relationship to not be based around sex, I need to make THAT clear too, since it's so assumed. But I'm sure I can do it. This kind of relationship is an option for other people as well. There are probably some bad reasons for pursuing this kind of relationship, but there are some bad reasons for pursuing a sexual relationship too, so I don't see it as any different.

 

Sorry for the long post, but I hope it will help someone...

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have you dated anyone for a long period of time?

 

I didn't start having sexual feelings until I was with my boyfriend for about 8 months. We were basically platonic up until that point. I was very innocent and he was overcoming religious conflicts. I was almost 19 when we really started "fooling around" and started touching.

 

Also, I came from a school that was abstinence only. My mother never had a sex talk with me. So, I was quite removed from the sexual part of me. I assumed I'd wait until marriage and assumed that that's what everyone did.

 

Now I consider myself a very sexual being. I am very sexually attracted to my boyfriend and we simply can't keep our hands off each other.

 

Sometimes the sexual being inside of you just needs to be awakened. These things take time for some.

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have you dated anyone for a long period of time?

 

I didn't start having sexual feelings until I was with my boyfriend for about 8 months. We were basically platonic up until that point. I was very innocent and he was overcoming religious conflicts. I was almost 19 when we really started "fooling around" and started touching.

 

Also, I came from a school that was abstinence only. My mother never had a sex talk with me. So, I was quite removed from the sexual part of me. I assumed I'd wait until marriage and assumed that that's what everyone did.

 

Now I consider myself a very sexual being. I am very sexually attracted to my boyfriend and we simply can't keep our hands off each other.

 

Sometimes the sexual being inside of you just needs to be awakened. These things take time for some.

 

I have never dated, although I have been close friends with a woman who I found attractive and never desired to do anything sexual. I would like to date in the future.

 

As for that part of me being "awakened," well maybe. That would be okay with me. The thing is that for some people that never happens, and I don't particularly desire it to happen. I'm not closed to the idea but I'm not going to wait around for it to happen, or start building my relationships on the premise that I need be changed.

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I have never dated, although I have been close friends with a woman who I found attractive and never desired to do anything sexual. I would like to date in the future.

 

As for that part of me being "awakened," well maybe. That would be okay with me. The thing is that for some people that never happens, and I don't particularly desire it to happen. I'm not closed to the idea but I'm not going to wait around for it to happen, or start building my relationships on the premise that I need be changed.

 

It just sort of happens without putting effort into. Sort of like growing accustomed to someone's face. You do not have to change to do so, it just happens naturally given time.

 

And you are right. Some people never have the urge to have sex. Let me see if I can find a link to an asexual help site. I have a friend who I believe is considered asexual. He has dated girls for an excess of 2 years yet has just never had the desire. He's just not wired to want sex.

 

I am just saying that you shouldn't put too much worry into it. You really don't know until you have experienced a relationship. Just like I believe that one does not truly know their sex drive until they have experienced sex. Don't try to label yourself just yet.

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It just sort of happens without putting effort into. Sort of like growing accustomed to someone's face. You do not have to change to do so, it just happens naturally given time.

 

And you are right. Some people never have the urge to have sex. Let me see if I can find a link to an asexual help site. I have a friend who I believe is considered asexual. He has dated girls for an excess of 2 years yet has just never had the desire. He's just not wired to want sex.

 

I am just saying that you shouldn't put too much worry into it. You really don't know until you have experienced a relationship. Just like I believe that one does not truly know their sex drive until they have experienced sex. Don't try to label yourself just yet.

 

I mentioned link removed if you're looking for a site. They have some nice ideas there too, particularly in the faq.

 

Anyway, I don't want to have sex, so I guess I'll never know about that unless I change my mind. I find the idea somewhat repulsive, although I can think of worse things. I do have a sex drive physically, but that's something I have to "take care of," kind of like urinating. This is apparently relatively common for the people at link removed, although some of them have no sex drive. When I was younger I was on medication that caused a loss of sex drive as a "negative" side effect and I rather enjoyed it, although I wouldn't do that on purpose.

 

I'm not worried about it. Actually, I'm a lot less worried than I was before. I now have a pretty good idea of where I want to start with a relationship, rather than having to "discover" all these things in order to pay my dues (it seemed like I had to before, and that I would have to learn to like it). My point is really just that I don't have to in order to get what I want, not that I can't if I decide I do want to. That is something that makes me happy.

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I find the idea somewhat repulsive

 

I'm not worried about it. Actually, I'm a lot less worried than I was before. I now have a pretty good idea of where I want to start with a relationship, .

When you do find yourself in a relationship, I hope you would be upfront with her and tell her from the get go that you are not interested in sex, you don't want or need it and that you find it repulsive. She has the right to know what she's getting into, so that she can make the choice of staying or moving on.

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Funny really....I haven't had a lot of girlfriends and though I am typically shy (though not as much before), I don't have that desire in me either. I mean it will come when you meet somebody but I am definitely not as driven by it as many guys. I can live without and be patient.

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You will not know how much sex brings to a relationship and to romance until you actually have a serious relationship.

 

Yes, it is a pretty big deal...afterall...

 

I agree with Lonewing.

 

When a woman's heart totally opens up to you, sex is one of the greatest gifts she can give you.

 

Now, of course, sex can also occur in the absence of love. But its meaning, then, is qualitatively different.

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Yeah, that sorta thing happens. I know someone who is "asexual" (isn't that for amoebae though???)

I guess that's how some people are. Pretty fascinating.

 

I on the other hand have the desire, but not the means, LOL!!!

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When you do find yourself in a relationship, I hope you would be upfront with her and tell her from the get go that you are not interested in sex, you don't want or need it and that you find it repulsive. She has the right to know what she's getting into, so that she can make the choice of staying or moving on.

 

Yes, I agree with this. I will try to mention early on and in a nonchalant way that I'm probably "asexual" in the sense of an orientation. I will not blame anyone if that is a breaker for them.

 

You will not know how much sex brings to a relationship and to romance until you actually have a serious relationship.

 

Yes, it is a pretty big deal...afterall...

 

I don't think I will, but again I wouldn't mind some kind of change. I just don't expect or desire it. Many of the people on link removed have been in relationships or even had sex and they didn't change their mind. I think some people are just "wired" differently, like some people are "wired" to think sex with other men/women is great. As near as I can tell I have just never reacted in the same way as most of the people around me.

 

And I don't have the slightest problem if other people feel like sex is very important or brings a lot to their relationship, but that doesn't mean it will do the same thing for me! Or for the rest of what the 1% (according to one study) for that matter. People are different.

 

Yeah, that sorta thing happens. I know someone who is "asexual" (isn't that for amoebae though???)

 

You know I actually don't really like the term itself but it's the best we got.

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Yeah, that sorta thing happens. I know someone who is "asexual" (isn't that for amoebae though???)

There are a few different types of "asexual".

 

There's asexual reproduction, which is what you're thinking of. Organisms that reproduce asexually do not require sexual activity to reproduce.

 

Then, there's asexual orientation, where an asexual person either does not experience sexual attraction, or simply has no desire to have sex. They may still desire romantic relationships.

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