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Wasn't sure what else to go with for a title I am not entirely sure I am looking for advice more just an excuse to vent. I have been married for 3 years and we dated for 6 months prior to us being married. Everything was golden until about 4 months into the marriage. She has a daughter from a previous relationship, which was not a good one, he cheated on her constantly and essentially refused to marry her because of his parents religious beliefs (makes sense doesn't it, wont marry her but will have a kid with her and generally * * * * * himself around). The guy is worthless, and his daughter dreads phone calls from him not that he talks to her all that long as he usually asks her to hand the phone off to her mother after less than a minute. My wife stopped answering his phone calls when I am around after I expressed my irritation at his priorities. But she still takes his calls and even calls him when I am not around but only when I am not around which is what worries me. I have made it clear to her that she should take his calls and allow him to speak to his daughter.

 

She also was secretly talking to an old boyfriend for a number of months early on in our marriage, he broke off contact because he got married and had a kid. I observed a steep decline in my wife's sex drive and attitude towards me after that, I halfway confronted her on that issue which she denied vehemently. She essentially made it into a confrontation instead of a discussion, and started attacking me for maintaining contact with a female friend which I didn't try to hide from her by the way, I essentially stopped talking to her because it turned out her intentions were not innocent and she got pissed at me when I told her that this girl had made a pass at me and I was not going to talk to her anymore, I ended up ignoring her for 2 days and sleeping on the couch until she coaxed me back into the bed explaining she appreciated my honestly and how she was only worried about losing me.

 

We both work, I help out around the house including cooking/dishes vacuuming, dusting, and even cleaning her car every couple of weeks. I used to do romantic things for her constantly but as her sex drive and general interest in me has declined I am finding it increasingly difficult keep trying at the latter and my self esteem has taken a serious hit. I consider myself a fairly attractive guy, and get hit on constantly by other women, figures the one I actually care about has no interest in me. We have sex a couple of times a week usually sometimes less, always initiated by me, and afterward I feel guilty because I feel like she is only doing it out of obligation, I tried talking to her about that but she insists it isn't the case. Basically I think she is only with me at this point because her daughter see's me as more of a father than her actual father, and I am a decent provider. I am finding myself more and more distant from her, and have pretty much given up on actually talking to her about my feelings as usually she takes at as an attack no matter how I phrase it or bring it up, she also gets mad at me when she notices that I am feeling down and don't want to talk about it (when she notices). Well I am done whining.

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Yeah...definite case of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It really is a good solid case of he thinks, she thinks, but no nitty gritty "what they really meant" communication happening. Annie24 hit it on the head...your situation needs some mediation....and what I mean is...nothing really bad has happened here or been done...it's the assumptions, thoughts, and feelings that are making the situation feel like a whirlwind.

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I think marriage counselling is in order. I would also suggest getting some information regarding separation and divorce so you know how to protect yourself and your interests should that be the only option left. If she doesn't want to go to counselling then you need to impress on her that the marriage is in serious trouble and you would like to try to save it. Why did you two marry after only 6 months of dating?

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So do you feel "marriage sucks" because you can't run away from these issues your having? Or were you just saying that your marriage is sucking at the moment? I hope you're willing to work throught his. I don't want to sound like Im underestimating these issues, but they really don't sound like reasons to leave someone. I think you should share with her some of these things you told us. These things in particular, reworded of coarse..

 

" But she still takes his calls and even calls him when I am not around but only when I am not around which is what worries me."

 

"general interest in me has declined I am finding it increasingly difficult keep trying at the latter and my self esteem has taken a serious hit."

 

"I think she is only with me at this point because her daughter see's me as more of a father than her actual father, and I am a decent provider. I am finding myself more and more distant from her, and have pretty much given up on actually talking to her about my feelings as usually she takes at as an attack no matter how I phrase it or bring it up, she also gets mad at me when she notices that I am feeling down and don't want to talk about it (when she notices). "

 

Have you already expressed these things to her? Maybe she needs to clearly hear what you feel your lacking and what you need from her. Then offer to hear what she needs from you.

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It seems unusual that things would start to fall apart just four months into the marriage - although such a short time knowing each other beforehand may be part of the reason for that.

 

Do you have any suspicion that she married you in the first place for security rather than because she really loved you? Who was the most keen on getting married?

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I hate to say this but after only six months of dating it is possible that you married her while in the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship. If this is the case, that phase may now be ending, hence the constant feel of turmoil. You need to communicate with one another and if that doesn't work, I would recommend marriage counseling. It doesn't seem like there is anything here that can't be fixed or worked on...but you need to put forth the effort, and so does your wife.

 

Good luck!

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Yeah, I agree: MARRIAGE SUCKS. Did it once, 22 years ago. Divorced after 2 years. Never again. Marriage is just not the right life situation for some people. I need a lot of freedom and a good marriage is built on compromise. Compromise makes me miserable most of the time. I'm a great gf and a lousy wife.

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It was my idea to get married when we did, and I am not sure what you mean by security DN but she doesn't really need me for financial security she was doing rather well on her own, and she could go after her daughters father for child support, he is rather wealthy and pays nothing but she doesn't. I do not think marriage counseling would make a difference if I could get her there.

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It was my idea to get married when we did, and I am not sure what you mean by security DN but she doesn't really need me for financial security she was doing rather well on her own, and she could go after her daughters father for child support, he is rather wealthy and pays nothing but she doesn't. I do not think marriage counseling would make a difference if I could get her there.

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It was my idea to get married when we did, and I am not sure what you mean by security DN but she doesn't really need me for financial security she was doing rather well on her own, and she could go after her daughters father for child support, he is rather wealthy and pays nothing but she doesn't. I do not think marriage counseling would make a difference if I could get her there.

 

Why wouldn't it make a difference?

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It was my idea to get married when we did, and I am not sure what you mean by security DN but she doesn't really need me for financial security she was doing rather well on her own, and she could go after her daughters father for child support, he is rather wealthy and pays nothing but she doesn't. I do not think marriage counseling would make a difference if I could get her there.

 

Why wouldn't it make a difference?

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I don't see her agreeing to go to marriage counseling in the light of the fact that she gets hostile when I even suggest we may be having difficulties in our relationship, if I were to demand we attend counseling it might, and I emphasis might result in her going but not meaningful participation.

 

I am not giving up by the way. Just not sure what to do.

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People tend to not do what they are uncomfortable with, what they are unfamilar with. People will do something when asked, when made known the benefits of it, or because they know they need to.

 

Her hostility is her defense on the act she probably is as confused as to what to do...almost an insecurity mechanism.

 

What makes you say it'd be you demanding? Sounds like that's the whole problem between you. How you both communicate love is not in sync.

 

Ask her before you, yourself shoot the whole idea down. If you go in saying, "WE BETTER GO TO COUNSELING because you're so mean and cold!" versus..."I love you, I have been having trouble communicating with you, and I wanna work on it...would you consider coming to counseling with me a few times, and see how it goes?"

 

And P.S. It kinda sounds like you're afraid of your wife...what for?

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