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We broke up but we are still seeing eachother


bizzylizzy

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Hi,

I'm new to this site but have been reading over some of the articles and find the response to questions is very helpful.

 

I went out with a great guy for 5 months. About a month ago following a small argument he said he wanted to have some "time out"... I agreed with him and we spent 2 weeks apart with no contact. After the 2 weeks he told me that he was still unsure and did not think that he could give me what i want so he thought that we should finish things totally. Again, I agreed. Even though this was not what i wanted, i was not about to beg or grovel for another go so end things we did. There was no contact for the first 2 weeks and then the contact started with the odd text and then 2 weeks ago we ended up meeting up and sleeping together... i stayed over but as soon as i woke up the next day i left and didn't wake him to say good bye. Later that same day he contacted me and asked me to come back over or to go for a drink. I declined telling him i was busy, i would have loved nothing more than to go and meet him again but decided against it.. i didn't want to appear too available. So, the weekend just gone the same thing happened.. i got a late night text asking where i was, i was not out so i did not see it until the next day when i replied stating that i hadn't been out. We ended up meeting up again on Sunday and spent the whole day together and half of the next day. I really want him back but i have not told him as much as i am afraid of being rejected again.

I think now that if he thinks he can have me when ever he wants then why would he want to get back together? I'm not sure i'm strong enough to not see him but i really want him back and not sure the best way to go about it.. should i tell him or just go along with the flow of things for now?? Any advice welcomed. thanks Liz

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It was a sort of re-occurring argument relating to our lifestyle at weekends. We are both partiers and we had been doing alot of it together. As we had only been together 5 months we hadn't really progressed to seeing much of eachother during the week due to other commitments. I wanted the partying to take a back seat or to see more of each other during the week and spend more quality time together. I have to admit i was a bit of a nag about it and he got sick of it and decided to call it a day...

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I don't think it would hurt to tell him your true feelings but it may be that he wants more freedom if he broke up with you for that reason. Obviously you wanted a more steady relationship which could sound like you're nagging but any couple wanting something serious would probably do the same.

 

I probably go with your gut instinct, him wanting you at his convenience. If he really wants a serious relationship, well then he probably will change his lifestyle as well?

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I went with the flow so to speak and ended up in an 8 month FWB situation that got me nowhere. I personally think it will help you more by making yourself unavailable for sex. At the moment your ex is getting all the benefits of a fully-fledged relationship without having to deal with any loss that we usually feel in a break-up.

 

As I have said many a time, a situation like this rarely benefits the dumpee only the dumper. I'm not saying you have to ignore his contact completely but I would let him initiate contact and, if I were you, I would decline his offers of sex - other than that I think you have handled things really well.

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It was a sort of re-occurring argument relating to our lifestyle at weekends. We are both partiers and we had been doing alot of it together. As we had only been together 5 months we hadn't really progressed to seeing much of eachother during the week due to other commitments. I wanted the partying to take a back seat or to see more of each other during the week and spend more quality time together. I have to admit i was a bit of a nag about it and he got sick of it and decided to call it a day...

 

A classic case of push and pull. You started to push for more and he starts to pull away. You will find that in a FWB situation this will only happen more. If you aren't careful you could push him away for good. Of course if you start to pull away it could work the other way ... but that is not a guarantee.

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Thanks for your replies. I do feel that he is having his cake and eating it so to speak. There has been no cross words, no questions, no talking about the break up, just nice time together and yes, sex.. So if i make myself less available.. We'll see what happens. For the record, it is never me who contacts him looking to meet up.. It is always him to initiates it. I just don't think i can tell him that i really want us to get back together as i can not handle the rejection for a second time..

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For the record, it is never me who contacts him looking to meet up.. It is always him to initiates it.

 

bizzy, I would think this would answer your "does he only want me when he wants me?" question the fact that its never you making contact but when he gets ready to see you all he has to do is initiate contact with you. So yeah I agree with your gut instinct, that he only wants you when he wants you, and any other speak of a relationship pushes him away..not exactly a healthy situation but if your determined to "make" i happen then so be it..Im just saying if a guy wants to be with you, he will make every effort to be see you and be with you

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Thanks, i'm also scared of losing him all together i guess..

 

So was I and that is why I clung on as friends but all it did was help him ease out of our relationship nice and slowly. Every relationship and break-up is different though and letting go is hard and if you really aren't ready to do that I would keep the contact to a minimum as you have been doing. As I said before, apart from the relapses and the sex (which I am guilty of too) you have handled the situation very well, way better than I did (and still are lol). You haven't pleaded or begged, you haven't jumped everytime he has sent you a text and replied immediately. I am guilty of doing all these things. Sometimes your head wins out and sometimes the heart, try to stay with the head!!

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djcom, thanks for your reply. He is making the effort to try and see me, that is what i'm saying. Not once have i asked to meet him. Granted, he has only tried it 3 times, twice i went and met him, once i declined so as not to appear too available.

Jellybaby, in my last relationship i did all the begging, crying,neediness, this time i decided to try a different approach. From the minute i heard the word "break" coming out of his mouth i agreed totally with him and walked away from it. No contact for a while and now started meeting up.. I really like this guy and would love to try again with him, i think we both know what we need to do to make it work, i just don't have the nerve yet to approach the subject.. How long have you been broken up?

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djcom, thanks for your reply. He is making the effort to try and see me, that is what i'm saying. Not once have i asked to meet him. Granted, he has only tried it 3 times, twice i went and met him, once i declined so as not to appear too available.

Jellybaby, in my last relationship i did all the begging, crying,neediness, this time i decided to try a different approach. From the minute i heard the word "break" coming out of his mouth i agreed totally with him and walked away from it. No contact for a while and now started meeting up.. I really like this guy and would love to try again with him, i think we both know what we need to do to make it work, i just don't have the nerve yet to approach the subject.. How long have you been broken up?

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Jellybaby, in my last relationship i did all the begging, crying,neediness, this time i decided to try a different approach. From the minute i heard the word "break" coming out of his mouth i agreed totally with him and walked away from it. No contact for a while and now started meeting up.. I really like this guy and would love to try again with him, i think we both know what we need to do to make it work, i just don't have the nerve yet to approach the subject.. How long have you been broken up?

 

Well we have actually been broken up almost a year but we became FWB almost immediately which went on for 8 months. I initiated NC almost 4 months ago which he has broken twice - both times I behaved in what I can only say was the wrong way and pushed him away again. I really do not know where things stand now, our last contact was a week ago.

 

I understand the not wanting to let go but the first time I tried NC he was like "Oh god, I think I am going to live to regret my decision" (ie. ending the relationship in the first place). Towards the end he was like "ok I understand". He had definitely pulled away in those 8 months. I think things would be a whole lot different now had I stayed in NC that first time around when he himself was doubtful. Those 8 months allowed him to shut down and pull away slowly from me without having to deal with the actual loss because I was always there for him. I'm not saying you should sever all ties completely but just be careful that you don't have too much contact whereby he will start to feel comfortable that you are always going to be there for him whilst he himself may be trying to move on. You need to allow him to feel a sense of loss too.

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