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how to deal with rude behavior in early stages of dating?


stella74
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I've had a string of bad dating experiences recently with extremely rude men. It's made me take some time off from dating to re-examine 1-why I'm not noticing signs of rudeness more quickly and 2-why I don't seem to be able to stand up to the rude behavior more quickly.

 

For example, this past summer it was two years since my close female friend killed herself and then right around the two-year anniversary, another friend committed suicide. The friend was a mutual friend of a man I was dating, so I called the man I was dating and left a message asking if he'd heard about what happened. He never responded to me, after about one month of dating. I waited a week and then followed up with an email, asking if he'd gotten my message. I told him I was concerned about him and wanted to make sure he was okay. I also mentioned it was the two-year anniversary of my friend's death. He wrote back (didn't call) that he was sorry he didn't respond, that he was okay, that he wasn't close to this person, and that he'd be in touch. He didn't say anything about my friend's death. I wrote back thanking him for getting back to me and that I was glad he was okay. Well, he hasn't been in touch, so I moved on and stopped contacting him. Now I think I shouldn't have sent that follow up email. Perhaps I came accross as too overbearing or motherly or needy. His behavior was rude and I didn't call him on it. I just let things go. I'm not sure if that was the best thing to do or not. When I thought about things, I saw in hindsight that this man had been rude to me when we first started dating and I minimized it.

 

That's just one of several examples that have happened recently. In looking back at my dating patterns, I realize I have put up with a lot of extremely rude behavior and have either let it go or not noticed it until much later. My ex-fiance wasn't rude at all. He was very kind and loving. So I know not to get into a serious relationship with someone who's rude. But I find that I probably date a man who is rude to me for longer than I should.

 

Any ideas or advice on how to deal with this in the future, so I don't waste my time with rude men and can develop more self-respect?

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You know.. I know EXACTLY how you feel.. you could read some of my recent posts in the dating forum...

 

I think the thing is.. with me, is that LATELY, I cannot seem to find polite guys to date! I'm doing the very same thing... I either don't stick up for myself when someone does or says something rude....OR i just sweep it under the rug, probably presently cuz I'm lonely and need company & just tell myself it is not that big a deal!

 

But it IS! Who wants to date or be friends with someone who's got no considerate for your feelings.

 

I used to NEVER be like that.. If someone did or said something rude I would call them on it! I think the problem is, I have had to deal with so many rude people in the last few years, my resolve is just wearing down....

 

 

And I have also had to deal with alot of deaths with close family members lately or friends I was close to.. so that in itself is alot to deal with, isn't it?

 

How to deal with this? I am not sure, but when you run into this, maybe make yourself realize that this is a red flag and an indicator that these people are not polite.

 

I wish I could help you, but maybe the problem is there seems to less & less polite people running about lately.

 

I don't know WHY this is.. Manners used to be a treasured commodity, but in our society.. being HOT seems to take more precidence over being Polite or having some class!

Sorry, I don't mean to get on my soapbox on your thread, but just know you are NOT alone in this circumstance OP!

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it sounds like the guy just didnt want to talk to you about it, either he didnt care or he found it awkward you were asking him those things.

i dont know how 'rude' that was.... doesnt sound bad though.

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I dont know how rude that was but it sounded to me like he had just lost interest and didnt want to talk to you any longer.

 

If a person acts rudely in your eyes then I dont see the point in calling them out on it, that only shows how mad you are at their actions, and there will be no resolution to the problem. If a person acts rudely then just leave the person alone and stop dating them.

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I don't think he was rude, I think he's just not interested in dating you.

 

You deal with rude behavior early on by not putting up with it. Just don't put up with it. At all. It's very simple.

 

I don't think the waitress test is necessarily a good one. I have been with guys that were complete angels in public and always treated our waiters and waitresses well, and still turned into complete jerks.

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So letting things go and no longer communicating was probably the best thing to do then, in the example I gave.

 

But blowing someone off is rude behavior after you've been dating for a month, isn't it? Even if the man is no longer interested and no longer wants to date, it seems rude to me to show that by no longer communicating. I can see that it would be appropriate after a few dates but not after a month. I don't get it.

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So letting things go and no longer communicating was probably the best thing to do then, in the example I gave.

 

But blowing someone off is rude behavior after you've been dating for a month, isn't it? Even if the man is no longer interested and no longer wants to date, it seems rude to me to show that by no longer communicating. I can see that it would be appropriate after a few dates but not after a month. I don't get it.

 

I guess it depends on how often you've seen each other but it sounds like you contacted him about the deaths as an excuse to continue being in contact with him, am I correct? And perhaps he picked up on that and found that a bit pushy.

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Batya, why would you think she was using the death of their MUTUAL friend as an EXCUSE to keep in contact??? That does not make sense..

 

I imagine she was very upset about her friend's death and if the friend also was a friend of the guy she was dating, then why couldn't she ask him about it?

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Yes, RomanticAthart, the friend that died recently was a mutual friend of ours. Even though he was not close to this person, he knew him and a lot of our mutual friends were good friends with this person. So I was sincerely concerned when i didn't hear back from him. As I said, maybe he was uncomfortable with this concern or maybe as others have said he didn't want to talk about it. But we were friends before we started dating, and have talked about personal things like this before, so after a month of dating 1-2 times per week it just seemed rude of him to behave the way he did.

 

Well, anyway, maybe I am assuming behavior is rude when it is really a sign of disinterest. Maybe I don't know how to tell the difference. Either way, I would like to be able to tell earlier on that a man is either rude or disinterested, so I can let go. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt for the first 1-2 months of dating unless I'm getting really clear signs of red flags and/or deal breakers. And in those 1-2 months, if all is looking good and progressing towards a relationship, i will be looking at how we communicate. I will see if we can work simple things out - as simple as deciding what things to do together and how much time to spend together or how often he initiates contact with me and asks me out. I especially look to see if he is respectful. But sometimes I let some rude comments or behaviors slide, because I don't want to create any sort of emotional dramas. If a person is "rude" simply because he's disinterested, then that's pretty clear cut I guess. But what if he's rude and still shows interest?

 

I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is that I never really thought that rudeness (and you can define it how you want) might be a red flag that I should look for early on. Rudeness is symptomatic of how a person communicates.

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You deal with rude behavior early on by not putting up with it. Just don't put up with it. At all. It's very simple.

 

I guess it's not so simple for me. How many times would you let rude behavior slide before not putting up with it? Do you let go and stop dating at the very first sign of rudeness or do you wait to see if it's a pattern? Do you cut off communication or do you try setting boundaries with the person first?

 

Is it ever okay to say something to the person you're dating about their behavior or is that only something you'd do if you were already in an exclusive relationship?

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Is it ever okay to say something to the person you're dating about their behavior or is that only something you'd do if you were already in an exclusive relationship?

Certainly in an exclusive relationship, I'd call someone out on something I found rude. In the earlier stages, I might note the behavior as a turn off and if it happened two or three times, I'd likely be turned off enough not to call them on it. If someone is a rude person by your determination after 2 or 3 dates, it's hardly worth trying to get them to change. It's just who they are.

In the case of your sort-of-bf....Maybe you could have said something like, "I was shocked and saddened by so and so's death that I wanted to reach out to someone who might have been feeling the same. Glad you're well. Take care"

Since he didn't mention your friend or inquire about how YOU were dealing with anything, it seems clear he wasn't interested. Whether that's rude or not is up to interpretation.

I found that the more things that put me off about different guys, the more I appreciated and recognized a "good guy"....so it all works out in the end

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Another strategy towards rude people in general, dating or not, is to react non-emotionally to what they said, but ask calmly, "Why do you say that?" or "why do you ask?"...in a curious, non- accusatory way.

That way they have to explain what they meant and might realize that what they said was rude or came out wrong or whatever.

Example:

Guy says, "This waiter's about to lose his tip"

You ask, "Why do you say that?"

Then he has to explain that since he is the center of the universe and has not recieved his drink yet, that college-boy-waiter will be duely punished by your big, bad date who is in charge of everything.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the idea

It works almost all the time.

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Maybe "What made you do that?" would sound a little more easy-going.

Example:

He says, "I called my ex last night"

You say, "Oh, yea? What made you do that?"

He says, "She's having a hard time because her mom is sick and I wanted to check in on her"

Then you're not assuming things or being accusatory. Just getting more info.

Let me know how it goes!!

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I'm the exact same way Stella, "But sometimes I let some rude comments or behaviors slide, because I don't want to create any sort of emotional dramas. If a person is "rude" simply because he's disinterested, then that's pretty clear cut I guess. But what if he's rude and still shows interest?"

 

I'm not into conflict at all either myself so I WILL let some stuff slide that I find a bit offensive at times. And trust me, NO ONE is perfect!

 

I'm sure we've all had our moments when we acted strangely or badly towards someone with no real malice, we were just out of sorts at that time.

 

I guess what you have to differeniate is if that person has a PATTERN of rudeness towards you.. or just does not seem to CARE about you!

 

I had had these friends I made a couple of years back.... now looking back in hindsight, I should of DEFINITELY called them on their rude behavior..but I could tell that honestly, that was just their way of acting.. they sort of reminded me of Beevis & Butthead, yes, it was THAT bad at times, but at other times, they were nice people...really nice people.. they were just diamonds in the rough, I guess....

 

well.. I'm sure people will be judgemental and ask oh, WHY did you hang out with such people? Well, I was going thru a really ROUGH patch in my life and had just lost one of my family members in just a few months time! It was rough, believe me, and though they were not the most PERFECT people to hang out with.. they sure were there for me, when I had no one else to turn to.... so.. it was a blessing in a way...

 

Now, these were people I did NOT have a romantic relationship with, though my one friend DID indicate at first he would like to date me.. I just made it clear I only wanted to be friends, since he was sort of a player anyway... and we just became friends... he was not a bad friend either... he did a lot of favors for me, and let me hang out with him alot when I was grieving for my family member, so I know what grief is like....

You really NEED people to relate to when you are grieving.... there is NOTHING wrong with asking someone who also knew your friend, how he was taking it.. that is natural..

But back to the point... if you really feel he is disrespecting you, then it is time to take stock of whether you feel the relationship is worth salvaging....

 

It is nice to have company, but if it affecting your self-esteem, because their behavior is SO rude, then it is time to call it quits.

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I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through RomanticAthart. Losing people is hard. It makes us more vulnerable with people until we're through grieving. That's why I'm taking a short break from dating right now.

 

Thanks again savignon...I hope to be back on my feet soon so I can put all these new things into practice!

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Another strategy towards rude people in general, dating or not, is to react non-emotionally to what they said, but ask calmly, "Why do you say that?" or "why do you ask?"...in a curious, non- accusatory way.

That way they have to explain what they meant and might realize that what they said was rude or came out wrong or whatever.

Example:

Guy says, "This waiter's about to lose his tip"

You ask, "Why do you say that?"

Then he has to explain that since he is the center of the universe and has not recieved his drink yet, that college-boy-waiter will be duely punished by your big, bad date who is in charge of everything.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the idea

It works almost all the time.

 

But if his date knew that the comment was made because the waiter had been giving poor service then asking the question above could be offensive.

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I don't really think he was rude. I think when he didn't return your call you should have not made contact again.

But blowing someone off is rude behavior after you've been dating for a month, isn't it? Even if the man is no longer interested and no longer wants to date, it seems rude to me to show that by no longer communicating. I can see that it would be appropriate after a few dates but not after a month. I don't get it.
..

It is hard for people to say, "look, I just don't want to date you anymore (for whatever reason)". I've learned no response or no contact means no longer interested. I used to chase, etc. But now, if I don't hear from them, I assume it's over.

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I don't think he was rude or meaning to be, he was just extremely not into you. When you aren't into someone anymore sometimes you just want to cut them off completely and have NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. He just doesn't like you.
..

I hate to say it, but it's true. Even if they have LC, there is still something there. But when they don't even respond - it's gone.

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