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How to deal with a woman who's scared to be in a relationship


tx_bulldog
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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This girl and I have been dating for a month now non exclusively. She got out of a relationship 2 months ago and was also divorced previously. Her husband cheated on her and she still wanted to try. He ended up divorcing her though. She ended up dating someone else after and he broke up with her so now she's afraid of getting hurt again. We were actually friends first so she knows how I am. She knows she can trust me and she thinks I'm perfect, but she still has her demons to deal with. According to her, she gets mad at herself for being scared and not doing what she feels is right.

 

So now I don't know what I should do. I want to give her time and not pressure her in anyway. Currently we hang out 5 out of 7 days and act like we're a couple. Sometimes she withdraws though after we hang out too much or after we have sex. Maybe it's because she thinks she's falling and she doesn't want to make herself vulnerable. What should I do? Should I stick around and let her know that we'll go at her pace, knowing this could take months or even years for her to overcome her fear and knowing she could easily meet someone else and fall for them? Or do I withdraw and limit myself to hanging out with her 1 or 2 days a week...or withdraw completely and give her a couple of months and check up on her later? I've never been in this position and I really really like her. I hold back my feelings and I still like her this much...and I know waiting for her is worth it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Perhaps a month is too soon to make this sort of commitment but basically tell her that you want to be in an exclusive relationship with her. But that cannot last if she won't make that same commitment to you. Just as she has to do what is best for her - you have to do what is best for you.

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I know what I want to tell you - wait for her. But that's probably because I'm a hopeless romantic and hope that she would take you because she knows your good for her.

 

I don't think you should just stop talking to her. Be there for her. But think about yourself - are you positive you'd be able to wait months/years for her?

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I wouldn’t cut of your connections to her. She sounds like she cares about you and does show that she’s only afraid of being hurt or falling for you too much. I’d basically be there for her (but be aware, she may NOT overcome the fear and you may NOT be the one she becomes exclusive with). If you truly believe it’s worth it, which sounds like you do, then I’d be there for her. I’d continue things go the way they area, and maybe even suggest that you respect her too much to continue having sex with her. (If you think that’s partially why she draws back). Basically, you have a lot of choices. And primarily you should be focused on how you think you’d feel comfortable doing. If you feel comfortable being there as you are now, then keep going, or you could just try to show her you aren’t after trying to hurt her, then cut back on some things that could confuse her. (Like having sex with her-girls become awfully vulnerable and emotional after and during).

 

I’d let her know that you care about her, and that your willing to work at her pace. I’d see what her opinions were on the matter. Tell her you want to be there for her and show he that you care. Do some cute things, like buy her flowers, and try to always keep a smile on her face.

 

Basically, be the best friend you know you are. As long as you feel comfortable and realize the situation may not change soon, then it’s okay. Just watch your own feelings in the matter hon. Don’t neglect things you want and need. But I’m also a hopeless romantic and believe the best way to deal with any situation is with honesty.

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We were friends for about 10 months. I think we've both always been attracted to each other. She had try to kiss me after she was drinking a couple of times, but I always pushed her away as I didn't want to take advantage of her. My friends tell me I make myself too available for her and that I'm not a challenge at all. They say that she should be more scared to lose me, than to take a chance on me, but I don't allow that because I'm always around so she feels like I'll always be there. I can't blame them for thinking that because I will go through as much trouble as canceling plans to watch a big game with the boys to help her study. Hell, I try not to make plans just in case she's available to hang out. I've been really pathetic, but I guess it's because I would rather do nothing with her than something fun with someone else. I do think that I am no challenge at all. Part of me thinks I'm that way because I want to gain her trust, but than at the same time...I just always enjoy being with her. I really don't know if me hanging around will make her overcome her fears. It sounds like it may be something she will have to deal with on her own. I would hate to pressure her subconsciously if she's not ready. And also, I did tell her that we shouldn't have sex anymore because I know it affects her after.

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Keep doing what you're doing. If she doesn't feel comfortable, she'll let you know again.

She just needs some time, so be there for her and let her know you are there for her and you don't want to rush into anything either. I know it sucks waiting around, but it'll be worth it.

 

Good luck.

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"I try not to make plans just in case she's available to hang out."

 

That won't help! You sound like a nice man. If you feel so strongly for her you should wait, but not wait like a wall hanging. Keep your life busy and full, so she subconsciously doesn't take you for granted. Even if she is a swell woman, she will probably judge you as too available, and will never make a definitive call on being your girlfriend. So just get super duper busy doing your own thing, living your own life, and at the same time being there for her.

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