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My head is such a mess, please help.


cnm2
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Hi there. Could someone please give me some advice as I feel like my heart has just dropped to the floor

 

I had been with my boyfriend of 5 years and things had been 'comfortable' for a long time. We had intimacy issues for at least 2 years. I didn't find him sexually attractive as I should of done but I stayed with him. In some ways, perhaps I was with him for security, but he gave me that love that every person wants and values.

Anyway, two weeks ago I went on a weekend away with friends and got on well with a friends brother. There was an instant sexual attraction but I did not act on it for two reasons; 1. I was in a relationship and I do not want to be unfaithful. 2. I had only just met him and was unsure if he was serious. During that weekend, I realised that I was not happy in my relationship and had to break it off, as much as it hurt to do. Perhaps this was partly due to meeting this other guy and making me feel wanted, something I did not feel or want with my boyfriend.

 

We kept talking and flirting when we got home and after a week, I broke up with my boyfriend. In hindsight, the excitement of this new attention made me the happiest I've been in a long time and I know that breaking up with my boyfriend was the right thing to do in the long run. The man I met is absolutely gorgeous and he seemed interested in me and remembered things about me in which I told him. We eventually swapped numbers and he texted me constantly this past weekend, asking what I was doing, who I was with and general chat. My problem is, that I get too emotionally involved and I really wanted in my heart for this to go somewhere.

 

However, after two weeks of flirting and talking, I've just found out that he bascially doesn't want to settle down yet and wants nothing more than a date or two. I just feel shattered and broken, as I'm not used to this attention and I thought maybe we could have given it a go.

 

He is going away for 3 months at the end of september and I am so unsure of whether to keep flirting and go on a date with him, or just back off now knowing it won't mean anything more to him. I'm feeling so disappointed and sad. I'm really hooked on him now and I'm having anxiety attacks because I thought he really wanted more. I must admit I did flirt back with him initially and he obviously thought I wanted a fling too, but I really like him and I can't let go.

Please, should I go on a date? I don't want to get any more emotionally involved...but I havent even kissed him and don't want to live to regret that. All I would do is kiss him, nothing more. Or should I just tell him that going on a date is not a good idea as it won't be going anywhere? Please help. I can't stop thinking about him and I've been diagonsed as having an emotional breakdown over it all.

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I've been diagonsed as having an emotional breakdown over it all.

This did not cause your emotional breakdown...your emotional state was not too healthy to begin with or else you wouldn't have stayed with your boyfriend just to have security and you wouldn't have flirted with someone else while with him. What good will kissing him do if he doesn't want anything serious and will be leaving. You will just be left wanting more and more and more and he has made it clear he has nothing to offer you except, perhaps some no strings attached physical pleasure. I think what happened here is just a symptom of what really ails you. Forget this guy and work out why you are unhappy within yourself.

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I can understand how you feel. Sometimes we dont give ourselves enough love and approval. This could be for a number of reasons, childhood etc etc. The trouble is we try to fill this emptiness by looking for it outside of ourselves causing us to depend on others and feeling hurt when they decide they dont want us. Thats fine, they make their own decisions. When their attention is taken away we feel that emptiness again and it can feel like a knife in the stomach or chest.

 

You are not alone but we have to respect anothers decision as their freedom and do our own personal work so that we can love and apporove of ourselves removing our dependency on others.

 

Lee

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Does anyone have any ideas of what I should do now? The big mistake I made was inviting him out to celebrate my birthday in two weeks time. Now that the flirting is over and we've agreed to stop there, I'm dreading my birthday and thinking he shouldn't be there. I'm going to get counselling as soon as I can, because I feel so trapped and devastated. The fact I have to see him is hurting me so much. I cannot uninvite him as he is my friends brother and some of them do not know we have been talking.

 

Regarding my ex boyfriend, I do love him, but I was looking for something else, excitement and fun maybe. But now all thats happended is me being hurt too. Going back to my ex boyfriend straight away would be wrong as temptation to leave him again would come up when someone else shows me a bit of interest. I don't see any light at the end of this, just hurt.

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All long term relationships go through the "love him but not in love with him" stage. This is completely normal and will pass if you work on it and hang in there. You did not. I hope you find another nice, kind, man who loves you and who you will stick with, even after the adrenaline rush is gone.

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