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is it time to move on for good?


zinny
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the T...
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the Time Has Come to Finally Leave

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Hi everyone,

 

For those who want a history of my story - it is titled "Am I an idiot"

 

In anycase... my drama with my ex/not-ex seems to continue and I honestly don't know how much more I should take or if I am giving in too early without giving it my all.....

 

Long story short... after giving my ex LC for a few days, he started to contact more and want to hang out... we went out this past weekend and he was very attentive, very affectionate and seemed genuinely very interested in working things out.....

 

This being said, I asked if we were back on and he indicated that he was back "in that place" to want to move forward together. But not before what he thought we (or I) needed to do or change before we could work. As I know that I do have my faults... I was willing to compromise and said ok to what he asked. I felt that we were on our road to recovery....

 

Last night we were hanging out and he was showing me the new phone he got... and we were taking pictures with it. After that I asked to see it so I could forward one of the pictures to my phone. He passed me the phone and I scrolled through his pictures to discover that all of our past pictures were deleted but everything else he had there was still present and transferred from his old phone. What hurt me the most was that there was a picture of the new home he and his ex had bought (3 years ago) with them in front of it. It was there prior to us getting together... (they broke up about 6 months before we got together) but to have it still there and everything of me gone - it really hurt me.

 

So I asked him if he did erase me from his phone. He said yes he did. He was angry at me and wanted nothing to do with me after our last fight and he wanted everything out of his life. This really did hurt and I got quiet and sad. He then got upset that I was upset and basically told me that it was my fault for doing what I did and in turn he reacted.

 

I told him that no matter what I did - it's hurtful to know that every piece of our history has been erased now... and that it was so easy for him to just delete me from his life. He said that we can take new pictures, so who cares and I told him that you can't make old memories... Which he stated that he didn't want old memories - when he deleted the pictures - he felt we were done for good - he wanted nothing to do with me and therefore memories weren't required and felt I was over-reacting.

 

So I then I asked if he felt the same about his ex (which makes him frustrated, because I have A LOT of insecurities re: her - due to past trust issues/mistakes he made, which he admits to). I asked if he leaves her there because he wants the memories of her, because she is not gone from his life.... and he said he just wanted the picture of the house.

 

In anycase, I was really sad and hurt and told him that I felt so defeated. That I spent the last month trying to convince him to stay with me.... to give in to all the "compromises" that I had to make for him.... which included accepting his ex still calling/texting/emailing him occassionally.... and that I'm sorry but I have feelings too and they are hurt right now.

 

This basically turned into a well your wronged me first and more from him... and that he knew it was wrong to have let me back in because he feels all I wanted to do was for him to take me back so I could leave him again and make it "his" fault that we didn't make it.

 

I told him that I never said that, but I am so hurt... and I'm trying to so hard to not get angry but I am hurt. I have feelings. And I feel like I'm constantly being punished for what I said... when I was angry.... but when he was angry... and reacted... I'm not allowed to be hurt over that....

 

So he told me that he should just let me go and find someone better and that he didn't want to talk anymore and wanted to go to bed. And I said fine, that I did try and I did fight for him... all my actions over the past 4 weeks have proven that... but I can't continue to chase him and I can't not feel hurt or sadness when something upsets me.... and he walked me out and I went home....

 

I don't really know if this relationship is worth it. When we were good and happy, we were so good... but there seems to be so much bad and as much as I do love him... I don't know how much more I can fight... I don't know if I have any fight left in me. I've feel so bashed and I feel so sad.... Was it so wrong to have felt what I felt? Opinions anyone?

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First off, I have so much to say about your story. Not all of it will be nice, let me just start off with that.

 

First things, first. They're pictures, dude. For real. Everyone has had a moment where they're so utterly fed up with a relationship that they want nothing to do with that person. friendship or otherwise. you taking his deleting ya'lls pictures..SO personally, is very self centered. If he wanted nothing to do with anymore..he wanted nothing to do with you. You can't expect...you have a monster of a fight, for him to hold on to the love and memories with anything but disgust. Break-ups happen for a reason..because something is broken between you two. obviously, he was feeling done..that's why he deleted those pictures. You have every right to be hurt, but no right to confront him about anything to do with the time when you guys weren't together(including his ex) Insecurities only alienate your mate. To harp and worry about someone from the past, is pointless. He was with you, wasn't he? He had the choice to be with this ex of his..but he chose you. Men are fairly pointed creatures...and if he is with you..that means he wants you. Not this ex he bought the house with.

 

And, have you ever stop to think the reason he kept the picture of the house..was NOT for the picture of his ex...but to remember such a big moment as buying a house. You seriously need to step outside of your own little world and look around. This man is not here to fix your insecurities or to constantly fill your dwindling emotional tank. He needs love and compassion andcare as much as you do. It sound to me like you're sucking him dry and YOU need to fix what's broken inside of you before you could ever have a hope of a healthy relationship..with him or anyone else.

 

As far as him blaming you for the broken part. Maybe it was mostly your fault..but in EVERY situation like that...It's not one person's fault. Blame lies with both parties. For him to sit there and say it's ALL your fault, he's wrong, and you shouldn't sit there and take that. Take blame, where blame is due. If you truly feel a part of it was not your fault. Don't take the blame just to keep him around. It's not right.

 

In my personal opinion, there are very few times where people break up and can come back together..and it be alright. Typically, the history and the pain is too much to over come...and if you guys haven't fixed what was the problem(like you said above) i don't feel it's something worth taking on...until things have changed.

 

Take it from someone who has been in a similar situation. You can't expect things to fix because you compromise...it only creates stress within yourself and the relationship. If you're the only one changing things to be in the relationship...maybe it's time to find a new relationship.

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Thanks for the response.... and I will take what you said into consideration....

 

In respect to his deleting our pictures... whether or not it was selfish of me to be hurt because of it, I can't really say... because my feelings are my feelings... and being sad and hurt and me becoming quiet and him asking about it.... I can only be honest of my feelings no? I never confronted him or yelled and there was no angry comments on either of our my parts. I told him my feelings of sadness and he didn't agree... I know I can't expect him to not react the way he did, but I can't feel but what I feel....

 

In respect to his ex - I don't want to go into details... but there was a period in which I found out that he was sending inappropriate messages to her - i'm thinking of you, i miss you, remember the time you were naked and etc... while we were together. This has caused me to be insecure about her and only her. And I guess it's up to me to decide whether or not I can ever let that go.... and having her presence still be in our life.... it's difficult....

 

In anycase, thanks for your input..... your message was a little harsh.... but you made some valid points and am grateful for a response, no matter how biting.

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Like I said, chica...you had a right to be hurt....but i will reiterate....you shouldn't have confronted him about it.

 

though honestly is truly important, there are things that need to be weighed.(and inevitably kept to yourself) Was it worth the inevitable fight? Pictures? They don't erase the memories you had, nothing can do that. So, you spoke out about how you were feeling about something that seems trivial in the grand scheme. Again, he chose to make new memories with you. Chose to take new pictures. That means he wanted to start fresh, not remember what was before. LIKE HE SAID.

 

Dude above me was right, he explained why he did it. Without trust for him or what he says or does....the relationship is nothing.

 

Even if he did say those things to his ex, again..he's with you. He chose you. I still love my ex and miss him, but doesn't mean I want him again. Just means he held a special place in my heart for a long time. If the two of them bought a house together, they were serious. You can't erase that as easily as pictures. You need to realize that every person over the age of 21 will have probably had a serious relationship..which involves some amount of baggage. If you can't see the comments for what they were(nostalgia) maybe you shouldn't have dated someone with such a complicated past.

 

He was wrong for saying those things to her, but then again you can only control YOU. You can control your reaction to it..and how you treat the situation. If he stayed with you, he wanted you. Again I will say, insecurity only alienates males. If you truly believe you love him and want him...act like it. Don't act like you have walk on egg shells to keep him. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you with dignity and respect. Who will love you just the way you are, without all the problems. Sometimes it's better to re-evaluate. Do I want this relationship because I love him...or do I want it because I don't want to be alone? Relationships shouldn't be this problematic and hard....and if the struggle out weighs the reward...the relationship should no longer be worth it.

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I will add to IGlare's comments to say that you are making this a bigger issue.

 

When my ex broke up with me, I deleted almost every physical memory of him, both online and off. I was mad, upset, pissed, words cannot even explain how i felt. Almost 3 months later and I still think that he is full of it. Heck, he knows that he is full of it. But if I had that chance to work out things with him, I would not be going over something trivial such as old pictures. The memories that I have with him are priceless, and nothing can change that. Regardless if he has feelings for his ex, he is choosing to start over with you. Make new memories, make the relationship into a new event. Otherwise, let go. Because both of you will just be playing each other

 

Take care..

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After reading these posts today... I figured I'd give an update and maybe clarify my situation.... in respect to my relationship.

 

As for the whole "pictures" ordeal... As some posters said - it was understandable that I was hurt... but I made it a big deal. Maybe I should of never voiced that it hurt me, but I was saddened by what I found out and when he asked me what's wrong.... I decided to tell him... right or wrong, it was what I felt and I couldn't change that.

 

In anycase... when I was speaking about moving on - I wasn't talking about me breaking up with him for this. The thought of breaking up never crossed my mind as I worked so hard to mend our last argument 4 weeks ago (see other post). It was him that broke it off with me, for being sad.

 

In anycase, today he messaged me to yet again say "hi" and I just told him that I was deflated from this. That I'm sorry my sadness has caused him grief to a point where he wants to run, but I can't continue to chase him. He wrote back that he understood why I was sad - as he would feel the same way if I erased him out of my life... he knows where I'm coming from and would feel awful if I did the same to him. But this being said, he did it out of what he felt at that time. Fair enough I told him... what's done is done and there's nothing else I can do... as he broke it off again. I told him that it scares me, that something as small as me being sad and voicing it - causes him to run and there must be bigger issues he has with me. I told him that I seem to really make him this unhappy... and I don't want to make anyone unhappy.... so he has all the right to walk away... and I won't pester him this time, like I had in the past trying to make a reconciliation.....

 

I was looking back at our relationship... the constant breaking up with me, telling me I don't know about us... over small matters... but still sending me messages to give me hope and I've realized that maybe "he's just not that into me".... and I've also realized that I can't continue to chase over a man who I just don't make happy. And lastly, I realized that I just want to be happy.... and as much as I love him, it's no longer a healthy relationship for either of us....

 

In anycase, I just wanted to thank people for their opinions... I'll probably move over to the healing after a break up thread, for support... because I really want to succeed with this NC... I really am spent... and again, its not over the pictures... it's the constant uncertainty on whether or not I get sad or mad that he's going to leave me, again and again... the fear of losing him has caused me to lose myself... and I need to find myself again...

 

Hopefully I can be strong with the NC because he's already msg'd me a "goodnight" message... which just confuses my already torn heart.... but after reading everyone else's stories as well as my own... I finally know what I need to do.

 

Thanks again.

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You hit it right there. No it was not about the pictures, but me thinks that NC in a way for you will send him a strong message. Do NC for you... not to end this... and don't send mixed signals to him. If you really want to be NC with him.... take a week or so, calm down and tell him that it's best that you both go your ways for now. Treat him with the same respect that you would want from him and then by all means... NC to your hearts desire.

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I just got an email from him.....

 

He told me the reasons on why he is breaking up with me. Telling me that he feels selfish and is holding me back from finding someone better suited to me. He tells me that the thought of me being with another man makes him ill... but he doesn't feel like our relationship is good for either of us.

 

He tells me that he loves me and he can't fathom me being with someone else... but again, he doesn't feel that he's right for me. For some reason I feel like he wants me to respond... but I'm not going to. I can't continue to tell him how much I want to be with him and how much I don't want another person. He said that he doesn't feel our relationship is healthy and again, if he's able to let me back in..... I never should of tried to so hard to mend things after the prior break-up 4 weeks ago.....

 

I need to continue the NC... I know this... this is the only way I can keep my sanity and stop getting my heart broken over and over again with his on and off.

 

This will be one of the biggest hurdles... but I can't respond.... I just need to be strong.

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Yes, I agree you really should walk away from this man.

 

Think of NC as a protective pink bubble around you that shields you from further hurt in this relationship.

 

He has given you more than enough information, I believe, to absolutely convince you that there is a man much more appropriate for your emotions than him.

 

I think a few months down the road, you will be glad this relationship ended.

 

((hugs))

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