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Found out my flat mate is a homophobe


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A couple of months ago, my friends who I live with and I needed a flat mate, and we put the word out, specifying that they must not be homophobic, (because I'm bi and my other flat mate is a gay guy), and we don't want any homophobes living here. This new guy (a straight guy) got the room, but recently accidentally admitted that he's homophobic (i.e. he's afraid of men coming onto him), and that he wasn't aware that the other guy was gay, and thought I was the only one. He tried to backtrack after he'd said it, and started making up some rubish about being scared he'll be targeted by homophobes if he's associated with gay men, but that he's not actually scared of being hit on. I'm really angry. Mostly at myself for not questioning him more before he moved in.

 

Is there anything I can do, short of moving out and starting again? It really is my fault for not questioning him further.

 

(I'm on the lease, but I don't believe in kicking people out, generally).

 

Any suggestions welcome

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Is it legal to kick someone out of a flat for their views on homosexuality, if they haven't actually done anything to support their views aside from make a comment? I've no idea what the law is like on this one, could be a bit tricky.

 

Are you sure he's actually homophobic and wasn't just trying to make a poor joke about not wanting to be hit on or perceived as gay?

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Ask him if he has a problem with or anythin against gay people. If he say's "NO", than I don't see why all that other stuff matters? Being afraid of getting hit on or what others might think has to do with his own personal issues. It doesn't mean he's anti-gay.

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Perhaps I don't properly don't understand the issue, but is it such a big deal? I'm straight, and I've been come onto by gay men before (one hand his hand inside my shirt before I even knew what was going on!). Personally, it didn't bother me at all (I just found it funny more than anything), but I can understand some people would not wish to experience it, and I think that's okay. To me, the point is whether or not this is actually influencing how he interacts with you and your other flat mate. If it's not, if it's just his private view, but he still treats both of you with respect and friendliness, then accept it's just a different view. Of course, if it does significantly change the way he deals with the two of you, then that is the grounds to kick him out and tell him it's not working, but judge him by how he behaves, not what he says.

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You sounds straight phobe to me

 

What does it matter, has he insulted anyone in the household or acted in any innapropriate way?

 

If not why the need to move out ...because he does not believe in what you do?

 

who brought the whole thing up and why?

 

I'm concerned that he will make other gay men feel bad by the way he is uncomfortable around them. I'm concerned he will destroy what my friends and I built together. The fact that my other, usually out and proud flat mate has kept his sexuality under wraps around this guy is a worrying sign. I still have to speak to him about it. I just wanted to get everyone here's advice as well.

 

I'm not straight phobic, as long as they're not homophobic. I have very low tolerance for homophobia, even when it's subtly expressed. And this was not meant to happen.

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it sounds like the roommate didn't know your other roommate was gay, not that the gay one had to keep his sexuality under wraps b/c of this. which came first--the gay guy's shyness about his sexuality toward the new guy, or the new guy's "homophobia"?

 

what you guys have built together will not be destroyed unless you let it. and it doesn't mean it'll automatically be destroyed b/c this guy has a phobia (b/c that's what it is--a phobia. not anti anything. just a nervousness of something he doesn't quite understand, not a judgment on anyone's way of life, it seems).

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He can't help the fact that he is homophobic anymore than you can help that you are bisexual.

 

Cut him a little slack. If he thought he was superior to you two, then he wouldn't have wanted to live with you. I don't know any homophobes that would choose to do that. He is trying to be accepting of a lifestyle he may be uncomfortable with. At least he is trying.

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When it comes down to it, many people have internal "isms" that are hard to overcome, despite their own best intentions. He doesn't sound hateful and prejudiced. He sounds nervous about something that he isn't really familiar with. I feel badly for your roommate, that he is feeling suppressed. Maybe it would help for all three of you to sit down and talk this through. I hope it works out well--it's hard to find a good fit in roommates.

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I think you could use this as an opportunity to help him get over his homophobia. It could be a very positive experience for you all. The fact that he admitted that he feels this way I see as a positive sign, most truly homophobic would pack their bags and be gone.

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I think you could use this as an opportunity to help him get over his homophobia. It could be a very positive experience for you all. The fact that he admitted that he feels this way I see as a positive sign, most truly homophobic would pack their bags and be gone.

 

Thanks for all your feedback everyone.

 

I'll talk to my (chronically non cofrontational) Gay flatmate, and take it from there. I guess you don't always get instant gratification for the ideas you introduce to people. But it's still worth it in the end... we'll see.

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