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how to kill the hope?


Evalia82

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For ages I've been all hung up on a guy. We've been out a couple of times and it's been good but nothing has happened. He's been away a lot so I haven't seen him much, and in that time he hasn't been very responsive to text messages, and when he has responded he has been vague.

 

I've been really trying not to send many texts because I don't want to annoy him, and because it puts me through so much agony waiting for a reply.

 

So I've 99% accepted that if he was interested, he would have been touch more while he's been away, or would at least have been a bit more specific in what he's said (like about when he's going to be back etc). But there's still that 1% of me that's hopeful. So I want to kill off that 1% so I can just get over it.

 

Should I text him and just ask out right if he is interested in me? Or is there something more subtle I can do?

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Evalia, there is one thing you should know about us guys. When we're interested in a girl, we make it very clear that we are, by getting in touch with her, contacting her a lot, wanting to know what she's up to etc... Often to the point where the girl will grow tired of it and stop answering (even if she kind of likes the guy). That's my opinion anyway, I'm not saying it's 100% right.

 

So, as "ILovemyself" said, I don't think that he is interested in you romantically. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to share things with you. Though you said that he did answer your messages... that he was just vague... well if your current situation is that he answers you, but is a little vague, then it could be nothing, and just you thinking that... he might not realise that you wish he gave you more detail as to what he's up to...

 

But if he often doesn't even answer you at all, then it's pretty obvious what is going on: he is avoiding you, and you should not let rude, dishonest people hurt you like that (not saying that he is one of those people, but think about it: if he was honest, he'd tell you outright that he's not interested in you romantically, and if he wasn't rude, he'd answer you when you tried to get in touch with him).

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i know how it feels, my advice and from my experience its best to back away.. i made the mistake of phoning the girl i was with up rather than leaving her alone and i asked her straight out if we was alright. she said whilst on the phone yes, but couple of hours later ended it with me by email. i wish i'd of left her alone even though i think the end was inevitable, she wanted space but i was worried and couldnt sit around waiting anymore. sometimes patience is the key, i lost mine dont lose yours. best wishes, try not to let him get you down, easy to say i know!

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Evalia, there is one thing you should know about us guys. When we're interested in a girl, we make it very clear that we are, by getting in touch with her, contacting her a lot, wanting to know what she's up to etc... Often to the point where the girl will grow tired of it and stop answering (even if she kind of likes the guy). That's my opinion anyway, I'm not saying it's 100% right..

 

While I agree that guys don't play the hard-to-get card as much as girls do, I think it's important to remember that - obvious as it sounds - SHY GUYS exist too! I know a few guys who are so shy and inexperienced with girls that they will obsess over contacting them, avoid them unnecessarily sometimes, and be a bit vague sometimes because they are shy and/or on the defence for getting hurt.

 

I'm not trying to get your hopes up Evalia - BELIEVE ME- I know how important it is to let go of hope in some situations - but I do feel that I have to stick up for the few shy guys that are out there. Your guy may not be interested in you at all...or he COULD be interested, just very shy. On the basis of your gut feeling, it seems that the former is the more likely conclusion, but you never know, he may just not know how to proceed from here.

 

Again, I'm not trying to get your hopes up. just trying to give a more balanced side of things.

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Again, thanks for the further replies.

 

And thanks TBE. I know from a mutual friend that this guy has been hurt badly before, so I do wonder if he's is just trying to avoid it happening again.

 

Don't worry, you haven't got my hopes up anymore than they were before (which isn't very high anyway).

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Hi Evalia!

 

It's a horrible feeling, knowing that we are not important to someone who's very important to us; it really eats away at self-esteem. And the fantasy about the other person starts to feed on itself - until the image is so wonderful that no human could ever really live up to it. I'm wondering if maybe you've built up this guy in your own mind, being that you feel so strongly about him but have had little real contact.

 

I guess the situation is that you can't move on because of your attraction to him, or at least to a fantasy, but can't directly approach him because of fear of rejection, and whilst these two are in balance - you really are 'hung up' and can't progress.

 

It seems to me that you have two options here - either, contact him and ask him directly. If you get a straight 'No', would you still be hung up on him? If so, then don't contact him like this or your self-esteem will sink still further. If you could actually move on if you heard the straight rejection, then maybe it's worth taking that risk.

 

The other thing you might consider is that sometimes we focus on someone who's unavailable (for whatever reason) because we ourselves have issues around intimacy, and while we are occupied like this, we are not risking the ups and downs and just plain ordinariness of relationships. Or, to put it another way, does the agony you experience when hoping for some small sign of caring from him - tell you something about your past, about relationships with family members, about something missing when you were younger? If this is the case, and you feel OK about getting to grips with it, this really is an opportunity for growth in the best sense.

 

All the very best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

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Nutbrownhare.... I don't know About any of it!

 

I feel that if I heard a straight "no" I would be horribly upset for a while, but at least then I could pull myself together and get on with it, instead of letting the uncertainty/doubt/hope eat away at me. But on the other hand, hearing the straight "no" wouldn't be much fun, and maybe I wouldn't be very good at pulling myself together.

 

As for your other thoughts, I guess you could be right, but I don't know, and I don't know how to go about finding out about myself, getting to grips and growing.

 

All I know is that I am a terminally single person who has a life, gets out and does stuff, socialises, has friends, feels receptive to other people, but very seldom seems to attract any male attention. I think I am therefore guilty of siezing any attention that I do get and letting it run away with me. As you say, creating a fantasy. But I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to work out why I am like that and fix it. It bothers me, but I'm stuck.

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I was just about to say the same things as TBE and couldn't have said it better. I think you generalized the guy. He may not be necessarily rude and dishonest. Some people can be shy (like me) and not know how to deal with a situation like this. More often than not, I have a natural tendency to avoid people and I never tell a person straight up if I'm ever in this situation because I just don't know what the outcome is. It could be a possibility that he may not know how to express his feelings and just left the situation by itself.

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Do you have difficulties talking to him? Like can you sustain a conversation for some time and allow him to express his feelings over certain topics or issues? Does he get your humour which makes him laugh? I think if all of this is a yes, you could probably try calling him if that isn't a problem. I do not know him personally, and from just a couple of lines describing him, it is difficult to decipher him. If he has been hurt before by another women, maybe he doesn't want to commit or meet new women because he is afraid he may get hurt again. I think calling him and just holding up simple conversations which may lead to deeper exchanges of messages is a good idea. And don't think that if the 1st phone call didn't get you anything you should stop because it is not working. It takes some time to let him open up to you.

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I never needed that kind of message because I assumed that if a man was interested in dating me and available to date, even if he was shy, he would ask me out on dates in advance (I'm referring to the beginning of dating, certainly once we start regularly dating we probably would ask each other out or assume that we were going to spending time together each week). That way, you don't need to have that awkward conversation with the man in question - his silence/non-responsiveness/not asking you out is all the information you need. I am sorry you're disappointed.

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