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Don't know whether my friend's alive or dead?


mgirl

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We had a relationship break up that ended very badly and with me yelling "don't send me anymore messages" and that i just wanted to move on (or something). This is after she moved 2,000 miles away to try go to child custody mediation with her former partner whom she doesn't have a good relationship with.

 

My ex's family loves and and supports her, but she doesn't let them get close, due to past abuse issues. So, she is basically up there alone, except for her housemate and the ex whom she doesn't get along with.

 

I put her under all sorts of pressure, asking for constant re-assurance with the kids as i didn't want to come 2nd all the time (and perhaps wanted to start my own family with someone else). Selfish, i know. I also said i didn't want to maintain a friendship, anger is such a destructive thing. I've realised that now.

 

Unfortunately, she was suicidal when she was here. She reckons she got over it (i made her promise to give life a shot and not to do it), but now i'm worried. I have sent her several emails (albeit abusive), out of anger. No response. I texted her on Sat night apologizing and then another one yesterday morning asking her to at least let me know she was alright. No response.

 

I find this very cruel.

 

Is this the silent treatment, or has she done something stupid?

 

My sister committed suicide 3 years ago and i am wondering if this is her way of getting to me

 

I might leave a voice message later on today, but don't want to buy in to this form of abuse (if it's just the silent treatment).

 

I would feel REALLY guilty if she did do something stupid and i really regret being so cruel to her, out of my own selfish needs. Anger is a horrible thing, and if i could take all of it back, i would.

 

What do i do?

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So, you broke up with her but insisted she keep in touch and then told her to leave you be and then sent her abusive emails??

I can't blame her for wanting to break out of this pattern and if I were her, the distance would help me gain perspective plus shift my focus on to what's important: the child.

You say she's being "cruel" by not responding to your abusive messages??

I beg to differ.

Leave her alone.

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I've felt this too. Not with suicide actually, but a case when i didn't know if someone i loved was still alive or not. It hurts like hell, but you can't let it eat away at you.

 

What i found was that it helped to believe, and to continue to believe, that she is alive and well, as there is no reason to believe otherwise. Turn the worry into love, so that when you think of her, it is fondly. Then when she gets back in touch, you'll feel a whole heap of love, rather than anger or frustration for her leaving u in the dark..

 

Keep believing, and keep positive.

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Unfortunately, she was suicidal when she was here. She reckons she got over it (i made her promise to give life a shot and not to do it), but now i'm worried. I have sent her several emails (albeit abusive), out of anger. No response. I texted her on Sat night apologizing and then another one yesterday morning asking her to at least let me know she was alright. No response.

 

I find this very cruel.

 

I don't really understand your point - you sent her abusive texts, and are surprised at her not replying? Hmmmm. She's not the one being cruel, to be honest.

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What i found was that it helped to believe, and to continue to believe, that she is alive and well, as there is no reason to believe otherwise. Turn the worry into love, so that when you think of her, it is fondly. Then when she gets back in touch, you'll feel a whole heap of love, rather than anger or frustration for her leaving u in the dark..

 

If you'd gone through losing someone in a suicide before, you'd know the absolute horror and guilt that is associated with it. That is why i think she's being cruel (if indeed she is, she may have gone through with it).

 

Anyhow, i've also thought the same thing. No news is good news (as marcabe as it sounds). I think i will give her mother a call today.

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I think you should forget about her. She is obviously very hurt and rejected. When someone is told not to contact them again, well that is what they are going to do. As you said yourself some of your texts have been very abusive. She will definitely not want to get in contact or be in contact with someone who is abusive to her.

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You told her NOT to contact you and now you're mad that she's not contacting you.

You say "If this is indeed a game"....the person playing the game is you by telling her not to contact you and then expecting that she does.

You said you sent her abusive messages....why would she respond to them??

Take some responsibility for your part in this and then move on.

She's probably gaining the same perspective you are by being away.

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If you'd gone through losing someone in a suicide before, you'd know the absolute horror and guilt that is associated with it. That is why i think she's being cruel (if indeed she is, she may have gone through with it).

 

Anyhow, i've also thought the same thing. No news is good news (as marcabe as it sounds). I think i will give her mother a call today.

 

I don't even think this is on her mind at all!?

 

What makes you think it's all about you??

 

You told her not to contact you, which she is complying with, then you send her abusive emails/texts????!!

 

No wonder she isn't in contact! - With what she is going through now, she has enough on her plate - without trying to decipher whether or not you really meant it when you said don't contact her, and dodging your abuse..

 

And before you say anything, yes I have lost someone to suicide.. -one of the reasons why I refrain from parting on bad terms/sending abusive correspondence..

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but really !!

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one of the reasons why I refrain from parting on bad terms/sending abusive correspondence..

 

Well, i have learned my lesson. I tried to end it on good terms with her months ago, but she ended wouldn't let me go, instead, blocking me from getting into my car. I'm just wondering what i have done wrong except unleashing my anger on her in the end?!

 

One of the times i tried to break up with her, she did try to end her life, hence my worry here. Of course i will blame myself. She is playing a very nasty game here if she hasn't done it. She could have just sent a message saying "leave me alone", simple.

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This is indicative of her avoidance behaviour. If she hasn't done it, then it just makes me see why i broke up with her in the first place.

 

Don't know whether to be angry or upset. I think after leaving a pleading message on her voicemail, she could at least let me know.

 

If she is indeed alive, this shows what sort of person she is. Sorry, i'm angry, but worried also.

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She is playing a very nasty game here if she hasn't done it. She could have just sent a message saying "leave me alone", simple.

Maybe she's tired of the game you two have going?? She's likely just not interested in hearing any more abusive things and is respecting that you said not to contact her. She's got some sort of support system out there probably telling her to ignore this since you are not a couple and have told her to stop contacting you. She needs to focus on her child and not be concerned with this drama right now.

Find out from someone else that she's okay and then move on with your new lesson about how to treat people.

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If she hasn't done it, then it just makes me see why i broke up with her in the first place.

It sounds there that you'd rather get some horrible news than to just assume she does not want to engage with you anymore.

Get a hold of yourself. You're starting to sound like you'd prefer the bad news!!

You TOLD HER NOT TO CONTACT YOU and she isn't.

Stop thinking she's the crazy one here.....seriously. Take a step back, take a deep breath and reflect on how you just said you've learned a valueable lesson.

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Good news. She just texted me, thank goodness. She told me she was processing things. I told her to process that she expects me to be second best, and i'm not that happy with that. Anyway, at least she's okay (thank-goodness). Have really learned my lesson with horrible txt messages.

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