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Too much alcohol/Please help!!


pollystar

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My fiance and I have been together for over 10 years. We are in our mid to late 20s now, and are living together. I'm not a drinker and I don't want him to be one either. But, he can't seem to just be what some call a "social drinker." If he drinks, he's got to drink the whole 6/12 pack and/or he will do this for 2/3/4 days in a row until he finally sees that it's stupid. Then he stops for a week and does it again. He told me he wouldn't drink anymore so many times and now he is telling me he won't come home with beer ever again. So he goes to his bros. and drinks. I knew he would do this but he said he would only have a "couple." Instead of having a couple he went to the bar and didn't come home until 3 am. I was planning on eating with him hours before that. And the two text messages I sent him went unreplied. He didn't even let me know he was going to the bar and he drove home (a mile or two) drunk, which I hate and am totally against. I told him I don't want to be with him if he is going to drink a lot. Even if it's not everyday. That's not what I want. Am I being a nag? I think I should get what I want. I have no where else to go though if he isn't going to listen to me so I don't know what to do.

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No you're not being nag. It's not attractive to be around someone who is drinking all the time! To him, you might come off as someone who is trying to "control him" or "change him."

 

What did he say when you told him that you wouldn't be with him anymore if he continued drinking a lot?

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no your not being a nag. He is putting himself, you, and your futures in great harm. The alcohol is only going to cause stress, fighting (potentially physical fighting), and a lot of pain.

 

If you feel strongly against that level of drinking and driving drunk (as most people do), then you give him an ultimatum, stop drinking or you're gone. He'll chose what he cares about more. Hopefully it is you and he will stop, but if it isn't, you're better off without him.

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What do you mean that you "have nowhere else to go" if he doesn't change?? If he can't lose you and doesn't see this as a problem, then it isn't very likely to change.

Ask yourself how happy you'll be spending the next several years or lifetime texting, calling, chasing him down, not knowing when he'll be home, etc.

I wouldn't be interested in that, either!

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you were right to say that you dont want to be with him if he is going to act like that.. your just expressing how you feel but he seems to be just ignoring it and doing as he please. if he reallly cared dont you think he would go to an acoholic class to help him.. suggest those things.. and see where it goes from there.. also you need to prepare for the worse and hope for the best.. i have a back up plan if all else fails.. find a place to stay temp til you get yourself together.. plan b

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I'm an alcoholic myself and what I'm 100% sure is that if he tells that he's going to stop doing that, it's gonna get worse and worse, so don't believe that "I'm going to stop it", most alcoholics stop only when they start getting problems with their job and family, perhaps try leaving him for a while as soon as he starts the same old marathon again and look how he'll react...

Apparently my next try to stop that "social drinking" is volunteering and maybe the Alcoholics Anonymous...

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Don't marry him. He's an alcoholic.

 

He won't change, and he won't change...did I tell you he won't change?

 

*sigh* Don't take me wrong but this makes me want to ](*,)

 

There are plenty of alcoholics who lost their addiction. If it wasn't possible, there wouldn't be so much organisations or instances that help you doing so. It's hard but certainly not impossible

 

@Pollystar: I suggest you ask youself these questions:

 

- Are you happy now and do you want to continue living like this ? I guess we both know the answer to this obvious question.

 

- Are you willing to give him one last chance ? This means you have to stop being the victim. The advice of the last above posters sounds good. You might consider finding a place to stay while he gets over his problems. You can still be there when he needs support ? Anyway, only he can help himself.

 

You made your statement:

 

"I don't want to be with him if he is going to drink a lot."

 

Make sure he knows this. Give him the choice. It's up to him if he's willing to sacrifice his beloved one for a mug of beer.

 

Good luck

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You are not a nag for wanting a boyfriend that doesn't drink. I'm the exact same way. I used to party and drink but I only drank when I was out, it wasn't an everyday thing.

 

I don't drink anymore. My boyfriend drinks, he is a functional alcoholic. I wish he would completely stop. He actually just got arrested this past June for a DUI. It hasn't stopped him from drinking...but he hasn't done the drinking and driving thing since then. Now he gets someone to drive him.....

 

Your boyfriend has to want to change for himself. Have you thought about Al-Anon meetings?

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I imagine it's attitudes like this that make it all the harder for people to kick it.

 

I've kicked it. thank you.

 

Most people don't understand adiction.

 

Read Doug Thorburn's "Drunks, Drugs and Debits." It will open your eyes.

 

I have life experiences shaping the way I think about the subject.

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I imagine it's attitudes like this that make it all the harder for people to kick it.

Alcoholism is an addiction. Other people's attitudes have no bearing on it whatsoever.

 

To the OP - Al-Anon would be a good idea for you; you will not be able to change him, but you will get support while you clarify what the issues are for you and how best to deal with them for your own peace of mind.

 

Unfortunately, the partners of alcoholics are often unwittingly perpetuating the other person's illness; someone has to hit their personal rock bottom before they want to change, and having a partner who tries to make things better for them, understand them and so on, will prevent them from hitting rock bottom.

 

It sounds like a terrible situation to be in, and good luck, whatever you decide!

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Don't marry him. He's an alcoholic.

 

He won't change, and he won't change...did I tell you he won't change?

 

 

Oh, I fully agree with this.

 

I had a very drama-filled, abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years. And I wish I would've listened to people who told me something similar early on. Would've spared me sooo much time and heartache.

 

Getting sober is difficult and some people NEVER will. The ones who do are going to be too busy getting their #&@^ together - for several years - to be decent relationship partners.

 

Recovering/recovered addicts with several years sobriety may be as capable of being decent partners as someone without addiciton issues.

 

Active addicts or those in the early stages of recovery are not.

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Oh, I fully agree with this.

 

I had a very drama-filled, abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 5 years. And I wish I would've listened to people who told me something similar early on. Would've spared me sooo much time and heartache.

 

Getting sober is difficult and some people NEVER will. The ones who do are going to be too busy getting their #&@^ together - for several years - to be decent relationship partners.

 

Recovering/recovered addicts with several years sobriety may be as capable of being decent partners as someone without addiciton issues.

 

Active addicts or those in the early stages of recovery are not.

 

Yes, you say it better than I did.

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Recovering/recovered addicts with several years sobriety may be as capable of being decent partners as someone without addiciton issues.

 

Active addicts or those in the early stages of recovery are not.

 

This is a very interesting observation; I've known a total of THREE people (that I'm aware of) over the years, who had many years of sobriety under their belts and continued their abstinence, including in social situations where the alcohol was flowing freely. They are amongst the most wonderful people I've ever met. But they'd had to go to hell and back to get there!

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I guess I just needed some reassurance. I don't have any friends that can take me in is what I meant by "nowhere else to go". I just need the patience to keep standing my ground so that he knows what he is doing is wrong. I honestly don't know if he will "kick it" or not, but if he doesn't, my only alternative is to move far away to be with my family. I hope it doesn't get to that point.

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I just need the patience to keep standing my ground so that he knows what he is doing is wrong.

 

This will seriously, totally and utterly not work. What you need to do is to convince YOURSELF that what he is doing is unacceptable, and then make your decision about the future based on that realisation. Forget about changing him or his attitudes. If he does change, it will be a change from within him, not because of anything you say or do. And the longer you stay with him, the longer he can stay addicted, safely, with no reason to change.

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Many alcoholics say they'll change when they see what they have slipping from their fingers. They may change just enough to have someone htey love notice them "trying", so then the person stays, and then they start up again. They'll do this a million times, as long as what they want/need stays within their grasp. If he has an addiction, nothing you say, do, promise, threaten, yell, scream, give as an ultimatum, cry, etc will change him from what he has.

 

The best thing you can do is not enable him (ie, don't buy his alcohol, don't pick him up drunk, etc--not saying you are, but jsut adding it), keep yourself focused on staying sane and calm through issues like this, and maybe attend Al-Anon. I've been in the program a while b/c of my mom and a relationship with an alcoholic, and it's done wonders for me. If you have questions about it, feel free to ask.

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Maybe you should just ask yourself:

 

Are you willing to endure the eventual many years he will need to get sober ( if he is willing to try ) ?

 

And I agree that in order to make him react you'll have to be strict and direct toward him. When his relation will be threatened, he might have second thoughts about drinking. Of course, like others pointed out, it's a long a slow process

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