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is this infatuation or love?


sphx26

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If you're on an online relationship with someone, how can you tell if it's just a simple crush or falling in love? and also to those who can attest that they have fallen for someone online, i'd like to ask: how long did it take you to realize that you were falling for him/her?

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thank you for your opinion, i appreciate that. Well I am currently in an online relationship with someone and we are in different continents.(We have arrranged to meet sometime in the future but it is very very soon) For the sake of argument, I think this could be more than a crush but i'm not really sure since this is my first online relationship so i'm totally clueless... So as for the moment, we just agree to just get to know each other through email.

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So as for the moment, we just agree to just get to know each other through email.

Then this will be your biggest mistake. Continuing online and not taking your relationship to at least phone conversations is a big red flag. you should know that online communication gives us an idea or"perceived perception" of what that person "may" be like. it a great way to have a few chats and see if there is common ground interests humour etc..but if you are starting to become emotionally invested then so should your communication be upped on level..listening to someone voice..webcam etc will give you a far better judgement of who you are dealing with and their genuinity...So remain cautious...it is easy to be bolder online and sometimes to reveal more about yourself than you would face to face..phone calls also cost money..so that can be another indicator that both of you are contributing sincere efforts in speaking with each other if you take turn about with O/S calls...

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thanks loulee, yes i see your point. very good, i agree to that.thing is we're both very busy though & only have little time to communicate, but it's ok coz we promise to keep in touch despite the schedule. i'll definitely take your advice on the webcam/phone call thing so i guess my question now, being a first-timer on OLR, is how soon is too soon to get things moving. from email to webcam, etc? also she told me that she is very shy but is open about her feelings to me. btw, our relationship started about 2 months ago..

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I think you can have loving feelings for a complete stranger so of course you can have those feelings for a near stranger you type and talk to but have never met in person. But I don't think you can know whether you are compatible for purposes of a romantic relationship without meeting in person and seeing each other over a period of time - often months.

 

When I met people through on line sites I wouldn't exchange more than a few emails before having one or two phone conversations - if after that there was not a specific time and place plan to meet in person ASAP I stopped being in contact with that person.

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I think 2 months is ample time to take it up a notch to phone calls. im sure you can manage this between you once a week alternating..if you are both invested the phone calls will establish a stronger bond until you meet, it will also establish if you can be comfortable and at ease with each other ...conversation on the phone should be easy from this point after several weeks online chat..see if they are.... and good luck..

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I've been in my relationship for 11 months, and it's closing in on that "One Year" mark. I started talking to my soon to be girlfriend last January, and we got together in September. We just had our first visit, we saw eachother for a week, and it was great, but that's a bit of background info on me for you.

 

If it helps, I'll try to explain how my own emotions on how much I liked her as time went on. For the first couple of months, I wanted to spend all the time I could with her online, and it was very distracting since I was in school in the time haha. I was fighting the desire to say "I love you" until it had at least hit 3 or 4 months, since I was still in the first phase of it all, which is usually the Infatuation phase. You might feel crazy about her right now, wanting to know everything about her, getting thrills whenever you get to know more about her and how you're alike and different =].

After about 3 months, I just came out and said "I love you". The next few months I was still somewhat crazy about her (in the good way haha), but I was feeling it calm down. Around the 9th month, I felt it much more calm but at this point I realized that as far as a relationship is online before meeting, I could say "I love you" and Know I meant it. It was just some kind of feeling of sureness.

 

As for the webcam and voice, We started with voice in the 1st or 2nd month, and we bought webcams around the 3rd month (When all the Circuit Cities were closing. There were nice over 120$ webcams being sold for 75$!) Best thing you can possibly do for the relationship is get on webcams and have voice chat as well.

 

So that's how it went for me. You could very well still be in the infatuation phase.

 

And to the others who think love can't happen before meeting, I think it's a wrong thing to assume that. Just because it probably shouldn't happen that way, doesn't mean it can't happen. I know I loved her even before we finally met. It could have changed when we met, but it didn't. We were both the same people that we were online anyway, so that's probably why we had no problems, but my point still has validity. Love can happen in an Online relationship before the two actually meet, it's just not considered "smart" to do so, since one or both of the two involved could be hiding a huge flaw that could largely change opinions of one or the other.

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I think two people can hide nothing on line and be the same people but for purposes of a romantic relationship I don't believe you can know whether you're compatible for the long term - or even for the short term - without meeting in person and meeting over a period of time. On line has no relevance to the many many qualities that only come out when face to face - ranging from body language to vibes, to in person physical attraction (which isn't the biggest reason but of course a factor) to how she/he treats others in public including family, friends, waitstaff, colleagues, complete strangers etc, how she/he is when sick, happy, bored, excited - in person that is.

 

I have close friends who I've never met in person but given the need for chemistry and attraction in a romantic relationship (as well as compatible values if looking for a long term partner which is even more important than in most platonic friendships) I don't think it's possible to know whether you're compatible before meeting. I always find it a little sad when people believe that typing and talking is superior to meeting in person because then the "physical" doesn't interfere. Why in the world is there anything wrong with wanting to be attracted to and have chemistry with your romantic partner in person - in fact I think that there couldn't be anything more right or more meaningful - just as meaningful as deep conversations.

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thank you all! wow people in this site are so supportive. i just signed up today and already i am getting different views on how i should make it work. i really appreciate your answers!

 

@loulee, yes i'll open that subject to her..i'm thinking of doing the webcam thing first. then the cellphone.

 

@batya, thank you for your answer.we have plans to meet,however those are long term plans since we are in different continents. compatibility,i suppose, has to be limited to what we wrote to each other assuming that we are saying is true. (that is the con,i guess, have to put my heart out there in hopes that i'm not being played at.because seriously,i am being honest with her). oh well, it's all bout taking risk, ain't it! and i really do think she's worth it. we promised to wait for each other.

 

@Colorblue, thank you for taking the time to explain.wow man! i'd have to agree with you and would say that i can totally relate to how you feel for your girl.esp.for the first couple of months,yes i'm crazy bout her. lol...and i told her that i would hold off on saying "i love you" til i'm sure that i really mean it. i told her that what i do know for sure is that i like her. a lot. she says she feels the same way for me, that she wanted she get in touch with me whenever she could, work and school just gets in the way. I feel so lucky too cause she returns my feelings for her (still can hardly believe it,lol)and besides, this is my first OLR. i absolutely have zero exp on this thing that's why i'm glad to have found this site and gotten responses on different angles!

Oh i'd definitely get the webcam going, haha! we just have to set a schedule since we are on different time zones (gulp, lol)man yes i think i'm still in the crushing phase of this thing.

 

again thank you all for you insight, it is highly appreciated and will take heed of your advice.

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To be fair with, i'll say that i know a couple of friends in real life who found success in online dating, hence, my curiosity. lol but i never thought i'd seriously fall for someone though until she came into my virtual world. haha. i mean really. i guess it's just a matter of trying it out first, see if it works for you, and oh finding the right person as well.

it may or may not be someone's cup of tea.only time will tell...

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I had forgotten about this thread until now haha. Glad to see you're finding this website to be of use to you! I stalked it for a month or two before actually making a profile and creating a thread for help. It's really a great place I hope things go well for you and your girlfriend. Ohhh you'll feel the NEED to say those three magical words, but its better to resist until that third month...or fourth..but whatever works for you =]. My own experience is not the only way to do things, I just like being more sure of things before I say them. I would have hated to say "I love you" and then find out a month or two later that things weren't going so well because I was just infatuated and not really in love.

Uhh but anyway. Good luck! I kinda rambled. I'm done now.

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haha!yeah i'm definitely taking your advice on trying real hard to avoid saying those three magic words until i'm sure. You do have a point there. So far everything is running smoothly and we do meet online almost everyday, just to get updates on what's happening, as well as really getting to know more of each other, and i feel kind of guilty because i'm interfering with her homework, but she told me that I shouldn't feel that way,because she wants to talk to me anyway.haha. Oh and I'd be writing my first letter to her since i had just recently gotten her physical mailing add. It's a great feeling! I'd wait a few more months and check on how i feel before i'll say the words...

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I think you can develop feelings for someone online, but you dont know if it's real and until and unless you meet. And yes, I've been there and am still currently involved with a guy I met online, one and a half years ago and we've met in real life....

We chatted 8 months before we met, so I guess the time invested was worth it.

 

And you would be wise to hold off on any magic words and until you meet and its proven to be 'real'...otherwise you are gonna feel a right pillock for saying you loved them, when in real life you aren't feeling it for them.

 

Real life and seeing them for first time in the flesh, is 'different' and what a 'surreal' experience.....

 

Hope it works out for you anyway

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Thank you for sharing your experience, D_Lish.Well up to this point I believe the feelings we have for each other is real, but I will take heed of what you said though.

 

I'm definitely not saying the "L" Word yet,although i am tempted. LOL. I'm thinking of saying it when I really really mean it,and when I do, I'd like to present it in a special way. Again, thank you!

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  • 8 months later...

Ok, so things didn't turn out as I expected, but I learned a lot of lessons out of this. There are too many factors involved in online relationships, and in the end, we both agreed that we are simply not cut out for it. lol. It's heartbreaking, but like any other breakups, I know that I'd move on eventually.

 

Right now I am at the stage where I feel indifferent. I won't date other people though until I can be sure that I am ready.

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It's difficult, some could say you can't fall in love without meeting the person. To me that's about as same as love at first sight when people have absolutely no clue of their inner personality.

 

I wouldn't say you two weren't cut out for it, maybe it just wasn't meant to happen.

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It's difficult, some could say you can't fall in love without meeting the person. To me that's about as same as love at first sight when people have absolutely no clue of their inner personality.

 

I wouldn't say you two weren't cut out for it, maybe it just wasn't meant to happen.

 

Oh it happened alright. (To find out more about what happened you can check my other thread dated recently) The pain that I had to go through the breakup is the same as if it were not online. It happened, but like all good things come to an end, it's gone now and I've accepted that. All that is left now are memories (I had to uninstall my messenger,lol, it's crazy but I gotta do it so I could move on) and lessons I've learned.

I miss her but it's keeps getting better each day and I know that as long as I keep her memory vague,I'll be okay.

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I think this is a warning to others "falling" before you meet is a bad thing. I know of this very well. While it never happened to me online, years ago it happened when I did phone dating (the forerunner to online dating). I'd talk to guys for weeks, even months before we met and sometimes I developed feelings before meeting. Quite a few times I was sure they were the "one", then I'd meet and find out I was wrong. I was even lied to about their looks, or found I didn't like them in person. Because of this I've been very careful when meeting dates online as well. Ironically, everytime I met an online friend those all turned out great. I suspect because those were strictly platonic, whereas the phone and online dates were meant to be relationships if they worked out.

 

Unfortunately, many people do fall, and con artists take advantage of this.

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&sidehop - thank you for your support, yes I'm trying to stay strong.

 

@newwave - You're right, it serves as a lesson. Well,I should've just minimized contact with her instead of contacting on a regular basis. Now I got my heart broken by someone I technically haven't even met. In addition, the feeling sucks because I feel so helpless to do anything about it as she lives halfway accross the world from me. So it's not like I can just drop everything that I'm doing here and go to her to solve the distance problem. I think things like that happen only in the movies. Oh and we had plans to meet in the future but everything was blown out of proportion before that so, oh well..lol.

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5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – ...
5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – Spotting A True Friend

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