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Girlfriend was raped. All I can think about is revenge. :(


themadhatter
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I've been with this girl for a while. When she was 15, she lost her virginity to an older guy. The second time they had sex, he got her drunk and then forced her to sleep with his friend. She never told anyone because she had snuck out and was drinking and didn't want to get in trouble.

 

She says that she doesn't really remember what happened. I find myself dwelling on it, wondering if she did it out of what she thought was love, wondering if she was physically forced... she said something about how he told her that if she didn't do it he wouldn't bring her home.

 

I know who these two guys are. All I can think about it revenge. I love her so much and the thought of anyone hurting her upsets me beyond belief. I get so angry at times that I just start shaking and crying.

 

I've told her about my desire to hurt them and she said that it's not worth it. I have a son and he needs me in his life. So does she.

 

But I know that it's too late to press any kind of charges. And I know that if these guys did that once, then they've done it to more than just my girlfriend. And it has to be stopped. I don't belief that "what comes around goes around". They deserve to be punished. I have a lot of bad ideas going around in my head. From hurting them physically to finding ways to plant drugs in their cars and turning them in...

 

I want to let go of this hate and just focus on making her happy and being happy myself. But I find myself thinking about this and working out the details of my plan all the time. I can't fight it. What can I do??

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If I really loved her and I were in your shoes, I would probably go to their house and slash their tires, smash their windshield and bonnet and throw a few bricks in their house window.

 

You probably shouldnt do that but It's what I would do If I were really angry like you sound you are. Just my opinion.

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maybe you can channel your anger in some other way? get involved in an organization that teaches self-defense to young women? volunteer at a rape crisis center. do something else that will help protect young women. because let's face it, let's say you beat these guys up, it would be YOU put in jail, not them! and that just isn't right and that's not going to help anyone.

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every girl that i've been involved with since i was old enough to like girls has been molested or raped. my mom was molested and raped. it happens too much. it makes me so angry. just thinking about it happening to people that i dont know makes me furious to where i feel like i'm going to be physically sick... but with someone i love, all i can see is red.

 

i truly don't know what to do. i tried to get on the RAINN online hotline and the wait is in excess of one hour... which makes me more angry because that many people are dealing with being raped right now. i just want them to hurt.

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Your girlfriend is probably right that it isn't worth it. It isn't going to change what happened, and depending on how you plan on exacting your revenge, you could end up in trouble with the law or getting beaten up yourself. Revenge might help you feel better, but probably won't do much for her at this point. It would help her more if you just focus on her, being there for her and making her happy.

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every girl that i've been involved with since i was old enough to like girls has been molested or raped. my mom was molested and raped. it happens too much. it makes me so angry. just thinking about it happening to people that i dont know makes me furious to where i feel like i'm going to be physically sick... but with someone i love, all i can see is red.

 

i truly don't know what to do. i tried to get on the RAINN online hotline and the wait is in excess of one hour... which makes me more angry because that many people are dealing with being raped right now. i just want them to hurt.

 

The number of women who have been raped is ridiculous, and makes me angry too. I've experienced it, and I probably meet someone else every day who also has and I don't even know it. It's something like 1/3 of all women have been raped, and that's just the reported cases.

 

It's good to see that there are men who feel strongly about this and want to do something to change it. That's important, because rape will always be a problem until men change their behavior, and this won't happen unless there are men willing to stand up against rape and show other men that it isn't right. Maybe you can focus your anger on activism instead of revenge.

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how would i be able to do that?

 

that depends on how much you know. How much you know about who they are and their personal lives and other people in their lives and how to manipulate things to make them squirm.

 

 

However, no amount of revenge with satisfy the desire. The only real thing that could satisfy it would be to try to bring them to justice, if you can get them to admitt to it or something. But, even then, if you go that course, can can't get them to admitt it, then it is only going to eat away at you all the more.

 

You have a family and they need you around much more then they need you to get revenge.

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You seem like a really protective boyfriend, but she is no longer in danger, so what are you protecting her from? She says she doesn't really remember what happened, so you need to listen to her and ask her whether this is an experience she wants to retrace and resolve, or has she dealt with things and moved on (as much as you can) from that night?

 

The worst thing you can do is actually to her, is not respect her wishes. I am sure that she has fantasized about cutting their bits off and feeding them to wild animals, but she has shown dignity and restraint. The OP is more about how YOU feel rather than how SHE feels. I know you feel useless at the moment, as any man would. Your feelings are normal, justified and right - but the law won't see it that way if you take matters into your own hands.

 

I agree with another poster. There are a lot of women you can help if you volunteer your time. But be sensitive to your girlfriend's needs first and foremost.

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Hey I understand how you feel. To make a long story short, my gf went through a similar tragedy (raped and beaten multiple times in her teenage years) and she has not gotten over any of it. She's been on all kinds of medications to keep her from losing her mind. Her problems have not subsided after many years and yet there are multiple men out there who are free.

 

What irony, huh? I understand your anger and your pain. Even though you don't believe in karma try to at least consider it. In physics, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In my opinion, same goes for people's actions. I know that doesn't change your feelings. What has helped me is just thinking about how to channel that energy into positive things, like volunteering and helping other people who have suffered. You know it will change nothing if you get revenge. She'll still have to deal with happened to her. By being the best bf you can be and focusing on her needs, you make the pain more tolerable for her and her future more bright. Hope this helps, hang in there man.

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The only way you can take her pain away is to invent a time machine so she can change that fatefull night.

And until that becomes a reality, there's nothing you can do to make her hurt go away besides being there and helping her cope.

 

My boyfriend used to focus all his energy on his plan to destroy the two guys who raped me. After LOTS of talking it out (over the course of several months) he realizes now that hurting them will never make my hurt go away. So now he focuses that energy into me and making me feel as comfortable as possible.

 

I had nightmares and anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis. Seeing how badly my rape still affected me was what fueled his hatred toward them. Once he changed his thinking, he has learned the litte things that will help me feel safer. (he is careful to never sneak up on me when I'm sleeping, and is very senstive to certain things that may trigger a bad memory, etc.). I'm not a particularly religious person but he is. Recently I proudly annonunced to him that I haven't had a nightmare in over three weeks (a first in the past year and a half!) and he admitted that every night before he goes to sleep he prays that I will sleep nightmare free.

 

You can help her. But hurting them WONT help her. Focus on helping her feel comforted and loved, and eventually the pain you both feel will soften.

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