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could really use advice tonight please


nthompso1

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I am 52, dating someone who is 58 for the last 7 months. We met online. I have been a little suspicious because, even though our profiles are down, he still looks online at link removed. I can't figure it out because things have been going well.

 

Well, not so well lately. He got upset over the weekend with me because he says I apologize too readily for things - I have only done this probably half a dozen times that I can recall. He is very picky - was upset when I rested my foot on his couch once, doesn't like how I hang the towels at his house, etc. So, I tend to be a little sensitive and ask if things are ok once in a while. It is really not that much.

 

Well, he has been a little cooler lately to me. He told me he had to go to his mom's this weekend to see her because it is her birthday - but her birthday is in June from what I think he told me in the winter when we met and were talking about her. I asked him about it and he got very upset -saying we have a problem he hasn't called me since - it's been 2 days and we talk every day. last night I called him twice and he didn't answer. I have decided not to call him again but my stomach is just upside down. Even though he hadn't said the same to me, I have fallen in love with him. I was beginning to think we might have the potential to have a long term relationship. Everything was fine up until this week and then boom no call at all. What should I do? I think I can't just drive to his house (an hour away) and show up - not cool. I can't get him to answer the phone. I just have to wait?

 

I am trying to figure out if I still want to be with him at this point. He is more impatient than I am with people - got upset last weekend when my son who is 23 called with a flat tire late at night and wanted advice. He is pretty set in his ways - never married - has trouble making decisions - his house is half furnished because he said he can't decide what to get. He has been there 8 years. Still cardboard boxes and papers in piles all over. He has met my kids and some of my friends but I have met none of his friends or family. Maybe it is time for me to be done with him. I just can't bear it I guess. I had hoped we could work through things - I am good with patience and commitment - I believed we could work it through. Should I throw in the towel? Thank you for taking time to read this.

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He does sound like he is very set in his way & not too loving, do you want to be with him because you really are falling for him or because you dont want to "go back out there". I say, you should lay low & when he does call - tell him how you feel about all of this, then take it from there.

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I sadly have to agree 100% with the above.

 

He truly sounds like he isn't that into this relationship & therefore is easily nitpicky & frustrated about minor things...

 

From what you have written it doesn't seem like he is very warm or kind.

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Well, initially I think I was feeling very much in love with him but his pickiness makes me self conscious. I am also worried about him looking around. Maybe I am afraid to be out there again - I have been divorced a long time and dating about 5 years - haven't met the right guy yet. This guy was initially very emotionally available and now has withdrawn.

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He seemed warm at first but now not as much. He was so thoughtful in the beginning but now not as much. Not sure why. Maybe I am just not what he wants. I have good self esteem for the most part - have great kids a good job my own nice house...I just can't be successful in relationships maybe.

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I would definitely have a red flag about someone who I haven't met their family, especially at your age. 7 months? None of his relationships have ever led to marriage or engagements, so it seems like he has commitment issues and sabotages relationships deliberately. He allows everything to annoy him and won't allow anyone to set boundaries to him. Had you ever been upset at him, or nitpicked at him, how would he respond to you?

 

Your son is calling you because he has a flat tire. What business of it is his? That's your son, who has a flat tire. Most men would take the phone, and speak with your son about something like that. Wouldn't he know more about changing a flat tire since he has had more spare time on his hands with not having a family and such? Not even having his home furnished speaks volumes about the kind of person he is. He seems to leave things in his life unfinished and without closure, like the relationship he started with you. He may not even have very many friends, or friends at all. People like this usually don't. How could he? He probably gets annoyed with them and they want nothing to do with him!

 

You should not call him, or go to his house. You don't deserve to be treated like that, or ignored OR lied to. He just sounds extremely manipulative, narcissistic and self absorbed.

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He seemed warm at first but now not as much. He was so thoughtful in the beginning but now not as much. Not sure why. Maybe I am just not what he wants. I have good self esteem for the most part - have great kids a good job my own nice house...I just can't be successful in relationships maybe.

 

Seems like you have a lot going for you. At this point, I wouldn't be too concerned about "your not what he wants"...because it seems like he isn't that great of a catch. Maybe you are just going for the wrong men?

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There are better men out there, yes even at your age there are. Keep looking.

 

He's just an inconsiderate jerk. I was going to ask if he had a medical problem that was perhaps the cause of his attitude, but really to just ignore you like that, time to move on.

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Thank you for your suggestions and feedback. I feel the same way as you that I would love to have him in my house, mess or not - I would think he'd love to talk to my son and help him out. Instead, he disregards him because he has a tattoo. I also think the family thing is odd. He was all ready to meet mine = went to a wedding with me but nothing on his part.

 

I think he is just looking for an excuse to quit with me probably like many other women. On the outside, he looks handsome, extremely successful, a gardener, a great cook, etc. - he just has no room in his life for a normal person with their own flaws and all. I am not perfect but all my friends and family think I am pretty special - I just can't understand why I dont meet the right guy.

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He sounds like an extremely difficult person to be around. He gives you no latitude to just relax and be yourself. Big deal, you asked if everything was OK! He's so critical of you, yet I think his reaction to your son's call is unacceptable. This is a guy for whom you'd be walking on eggshells forever. You deserve better, even if that means being without a relationship. It's not easy to find the "right" person, so it's worth cultivating the idea of being happy with yourself. Surely, you are better than this.

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He's taking you for granted, and yes, possibly biding his time until he finds someone else. Or perhaps he has found someone else already. Probably multiple prospects.

 

You should not cut him off. However, you should start looking at other men. The nitpicking is not so bad - as long as you can stand it, it's your call. The next time he wants to see you, tell him, "I'm actually a very traditional girl. I'm looking for a serious relationship. Can you give this to me?" If he says "yes," then you say, "I need you to commit to me. First, to stop looking for other women. Not because I don't trust you, but because I want to be committed to you."

 

The prognosis is cloudy. Be prepared if things don't work out.

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I do feel like I walk on eggshells around him. He says I get too anxious but I know if I wear my shoes on his new hardwood floor or drive on the edge of his lawn, he would be upset. He doesn't always say he is upset but he makes a face and is very silent. He is judgmental about people and places much more than I am. I used to think this was because he was particular for a certain kind of food or hotel or whatever but now I think he is just picky about too many things. I am the opposite and extremely flexible and easy going - so I think I just went along with him when i shouldn't have.

 

Also, my son has no father in the picture - he left when he was 4 years old. So, I have been mom and dad to him all his life. I am his "go to" person. I think that's ok. It is not in an unhealthy way - I often dont talk to him for a few weeks at a time and he lives a couple of hours away.

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loved your post spinner...dead on.

 

I am sorry. It is so difficult to let go when you are in doubt. But on reading what you have written here, I honestly have to say that it doesn't feel good.

 

This man shows me with his own lifestyle that he is actually fearful to commit.

 

 

No..he is to set in his ways. Maybe he was lonely at one point and chasing you lifted his spirits some. So the kindness you got was from the energy he was on. But the fact that his eye is wandering online again should tell you a lot as well. There are other stuff to do when you are bored...so trust your gut feelings on that one.

 

Tell him how you feel and set an ultimatum in your head. If nothing changes to make you feel he is putting in an effort, than let go for good while you still can.

 

Some people, especially like him, are meant to stay alone, because sadly they have never really learned to trust love, let alone how to give....

 

But do no initiate contact anymore...because he might possibly be ignoring you right now.

 

And as far as you not being meant for love....please. I don't believe that. You are young enough to learn how to let go of bad apples, while you still have teeth to enjoy eating them...;-)

 

You need to let go earlier....

 

Go ahead start browsing for that new date on match..and enjoy life. We do not have time to waste on people who are not appreciative of the fact that we are in there to share our riches with them..

 

don't forget that..

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I am learning to trust my gut feelings. that is why when I saw him looking on Match, I thought it was a red flag. I probably should have let go of him earlier. He hasn't called for 3 days now - we never even really said goodbye or that it was over. he said talk to you soon when he hung up so this is unexpected and that is one of the reasons it hurts. I had no idea that might be the last time we talked. I was thinking that if I don't hear from him this weekend, I might send him a note in the mail - not sure if I should do that or just let it go. Just wanted to say goodbye, for my sake I guess.

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Well, I have had about 4 relationships in the last 5 years. One was for 2 years, the others were about 4-6 months each. The longer one was long distance and he ended up being a workaholic who wouldn't take the time to come see me, i was doing much of the travelling. Also, he was picky about my hair on the floor...hmmm...similarities. The other two were very easy going - one moved away for work and I didn't want to leave (my father is ill and i want to stay in state) and the other ended up having an addiction to alcohol so I ended it quickly.

 

I do find it interesting that I have dated two men who are quite picky...

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Part of not being picky is being FORGIVING. Which is on the same branch as KINDNESS.

 

Someone who is kind will be much more willing to overlook the small things to allow other people to be comfortable and happy and secure in their presence.

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I know - he told me I had a pattern of apologizing too much. I told him I would work on not doing that and he said see, you're doing it again. I don't want to be with someone who apologizes. I felt like I had my back up against the wall. I can't say I will do something different and change and I can't stay the same. i can't please him. It is like boxing your way out of a paper bag. So frustrating. I am very forgiving and kind. I thought he was initially too. Thank you so much for taking the time to write back and forth with me, all of you, it is so helpful as I feel very very sad.

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Oh...i am so sorry for you. What you need is some time with people who care about you and can lift your spirits. Take a break from this guy. Because you need to be balanced enough to make a clear decision..

 

Otherwise..the moment he decides to grant you the "joy" of his presence..your heart will jump up and down from the little crumb he throws at you just to keep you hanging on longer until..he finds someone else. (and the excuse he will use will probably have something to do with his mom")

 

Listen..don't focus on "ending it with closure" right now..

 

Focus on you and make it a goal within now and a few days to do something to lift your spirits and find that smile again in your heart on your own.

 

You can always send him a "final email" if that is what your heart needs to start anew. But don't do it now.

 

Give him 2 weeks to act on his own...and he probably will. Because if he doesn't, its clear as pie.

 

But I understand that you are sad right now...but let that energize you to get up and take care of you.

 

He does not rule you, you had a life before him..and you will after him. If you wish to be sad...give this man 1 day. Yes...just 1 single day. Get all of your frustation out...yell, scream, eat..whatever.

 

And then go do something fun. Life is too short...really it is. It is not worth it. Go out and do something to make you laugh and feel the power of life again..

 

Then come back and decide about what to do about the disrespect he's shown you..

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You're right, definitely don't go over to his house. Don't set yourself up for any more criticism. If you stayed with this man for long, your self esteem would be in tatters. Sounds like you were doing well without him, even though you might have felt lonely. Like you said, you had your nice house, family and job, which is more than what he has achieved. He has no right to criticize you for little things. I think you know deep down that he's not good for you. It'd be such a pity for you to come under his power and be intimidated by him. Just because youre not the right woman for this man (be thankful for that) doesn't mean youre doomed as far as relationships go. Its nice your son comes to you with his problems. You have a lot going for you. Please don't throw it away on someone whos going to make you unhappy. You can do better. And even having no relationship for the present time is better.

Offplanet

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He called last night. I kept the conversation short and told him I didn't understand why he didn't call me back when I had called him twice. He had some excuse. Then, I didn't ask when we would see each other again or make any reference to the future. I just kept my distance. So, that's my plan - I am just going to do some things for myself (today going to a play that my friend is directing and to the farmer's market) and see what is next. I am going to refocus on my own life and not try so much to find a space in his. This will be healing for me as I am sure we will be ending things shortly -

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