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every day is the same


nobody16

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I just want you 2 give me an advice........I was born just because my mom wanted a sister for her daughter.....no one wanted me then.....when I was 7...my father left me my sister and my mother...and he go....i don.t know where.....before that every night he came home drunk and yell at my mom.....When he left my mother found out that he mortgaged the house....we don.t afford to pay it...so the state took our apartament....we rent one room ....we where moving all the time.....rent was half of my mother's salary.....when i turned 13 we moved at mom.s sister....in the other town.....until then...my life was quiet but being a kid I wasn.t really realize.....what was going on....anyway....i thought that here we will have a new start....other life.....but...I was wrong.....I never could adapt town ...at

school I was regarded as a freak just because I love to read and I was reading a lot......I never could adapt....that was when I run away... I thought...my father will understand me....but....when he reject me...i felt like the whole world.....was falling over me....he reject me....also my aunt n uncles from his famyly......i thought i will dye in that moment......then i was going bck home......4 months...i was depressed.....then my mom make a boyfriend...n he....rape...me.....everytime mom was not home...until I turn 15 I was trying to take my life for 5 time.....n know....at 16.....i don.t know what am i leaving for....my mom is sick...my life is * * * * ed up....n me....i feel so angry all the time.....and all this hate i feel inside.....i try 2....be happy....4 my sister n my mom.....but....i can.t....I always say to myself that...as long as i show them that i am happy...it doesn.t matter what is in my soul......everything comes to an end right? but..at a time.... stop dreaming.....Coz hurts to wake up........in the end...is doesn.t even matter....death or alive......

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I wish I could help you. I really do. I really don't even know what to say to you.. You live in Romania? I don't even know what can happen there and what can't... is your mom still with that man? Have you told her? Have you told anyone at school?

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I hope I don't do more damage than good by saying this, but it helps me when I get to the height of depression and start planning on how to best take my life.

 

First of all, I think of taking things a day at a time, or to intentionally setting something up to look forward to in the days to come, and continue like that. You said you liked books? So when things get bad start reading a book or a series of books that'll take a few days/weeks.

 

But secondly, and more importantly, I think like this when it gets really bad: "OK, at this time/day I'll kill myself because I just can't do this. But before that, if I'm going to die anyway, why not just take life by the horns and do it if it'll be the last thing I do anyway before it all goes dark. It can always wait until after". And what happens for me is that when I've got through another day or event I feared or didn't want to go through - even if it went badly I feel a sense of relief that it's over, or else a feeling of accomplishment, and that gets me through it. My suicidal thoughts definitely decrease by this, though I'm not saying you should take this in word for word. Just that it's important to find a way of thinking that get's you through it all. My way is short-term though so far for me, but if I can just imprint that way of life in which I "grab the bull by the horns" so to speak, I think it can become a long-term solution for me.

 

It feels to me though like you're partly trying to justify killing yourself and seeking that someones words should egg you on to do that. Trying to distance your relationship with your mother and sister by "mom only wanted me for my sister and doesn't really love me" (now I doubt she ever said that to you?) for example because you really don't want to leave them or picture them crying over your dead body or leave room for the possibility your attempt won't work and waking up in the hospital afterwards. Believe me, I've been there.

 

You feel trapped in your life and you've had some very bad experiences - but please be brave and don't do anything rash. Though I have no right to say this myself - life is a gift, and joy CAN be found in it. You just have to push through the bad parts to get to the good. Just keep some hope with you for things to get better, and try and build on it and eventually MAKE things better.

 

 

Really hope things work out for you.

 

//C.E.

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yes...u are right....and yes my mom tell me that I was concept just for my sister...she don,t want her be lonely....so...i try to make things go better...but is seems like every single they bring with her more pain and suffering....n...i just feel like every thing that i try yo make it good....turns bad.....

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yes...u are right....and yes my mom tell me that I was concept just for my sister...she don,t want her be lonely....so...i try to make things go better...but is seems like every single they bring with her more pain and suffering....n...i just feel like every thing that i try yo make it good....turns bad.....

 

I meant, your mother hasn't said you're not wanted, has she? Alot of parents decides to have another baby for the sake of their first-born having a sibling - but that doesn't mean that's the only reason behind it, nor does it mean they love you any less because you were second. Look at me, middle child, oldest and youngest seems to get priviliges that I don't sometimes but I don't think like that. Sure I envy my older sister sometimes for having so many things going well for her in life and is seemingly so happy, and if that's true I'm also very happy for her, but then again how do I know she's not depressed too? I'm very good at disguising my own depression, she could be too... But I'm going off-topic here... My point is - they decided to have you, and wouldn't have done so simply for your older sister to have a doll to play with. Of course your mother loves you just as much. Do you have any idea of how many babies there are out there that were unplanned? You don't think all of their parents love them any less for that, right?

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because I love to read and I was reading a lot

 

This. This will be your answer. Keep reading, don't worry about what others say. Learn well in school, go to College (win a scholarship), get yourself out of your rut. Education is the answer, follow it through.

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This. This will be your answer. Keep reading, don't worry about what others say. Learn well in school, go to College (win a scholarship), get yourself out of your rut. Education is the answer, follow it through.

I would like 2 be as easy .....but is not.....i read over 40 books this summer.......I can't think at something else .....my dad had called me today after years just 2 ask me why i hate him? I just......I hate him with all my soul....and I don.t want him to destroy my family.....we are anyway * * * * ed up like family

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If you hate him, he wins. Try and gradually let go of your hatred for him and rather pity him instead for him being who he is. Next time he calls, just tell him frankly: "Look, if you don't like being hated - get your * * * * together and act like a real dad for a change, otherwise just leave me alone". Or whatever variation of that that'll work for you.

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