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Reconilation?


vertigoxo

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I don't need harsh judgement. I don't need to be scolded like a child because I'm far from that. And I sure don't need people furiously looking back at my very old posts to see which flaws I have to throw it at my face here. Have some class, now!

 

We're not perfect. I just need simple advice. I have talked to someone about this and he was a very good help to me. I just need a public input about my situation.

 

Backgound: Together for 1 year and a half, broken up for almost 6 months now. I don't know if it was a mutual break up or was it me who did it, it was complicated... On and off NC/LC on my part, and he kept giving me mixed messages. Onward;

 

We talked 3 nights ago about our break up. I told him how much I still loved him and I miss him and that we can work this out, etc etc etc. This was what he told me;

 

"I want you to know that everything you've said tonight is sticking to me... I will not forget what we talked about, as long as you never forget that even though we aren't together, even though I don't think we will end up together, I love you too.... Goodnight J, I need some sleep."

 

He is deeply hurt right now about stuff happening in his life and I don't want to push him. He doesn't think he is good for me, and wants me to be happy. He did admit that night that he was still very physically attracted to me, only I guess because he told me he has "turned off all of his emotions and is detached from everything and everyone now". I have a feeling that he is deathly afraid I will hurt him, to which I can understand... You see, after our break up, he has "dated" 3 different girls and they all burned him and left him in horrible ways.

 

Tonight is the 3rd night I haven't heard from him. Should I wait till he contacts me again? How should I act when he does contact me? Thank you everyone...

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He doesn't think he is good for me, and wants me to be happy.

 

Well I didn't read your history, so I don't really have a clear picture of why things went sour or what happened. But just from that one line alone, I think you'd be better off leaving him alone for awhile. It sounds like him trying to say nicely, that he doesn't think you two are a good match. It almost seems as if he's saying that you're difficult to make happy and he doesn't think he's up for that sort of challenge.

 

I would let him contact you first. Unless there's like something serious going on in his life, like a sick loved one...then I would wait a few days and ask him if he's doing alright.

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I would wait at least a little while longer for him to contact you, it sounds like you put your feelings out there and he knows where you stand...which means that you'd really be contacting him only to repeat yourself. Let him have some time to think about what you said and how he feels about it.

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Just pointing out a lot of red flags that I see personally. Most of the stuff I've bolded points out that he isn't with you and doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't think you guys are a good match. Being physically attracted to you means nothing. As well, he has "dated" three other women in the span of six months that you have been broken up and he has turned off his emotions and detached himself. That doesn't sound like someone you want to jump back in with. He needs to fix himself first before he can have a healthy relationship with you. I'd stay away for now. He sounds like someone who needs to be alone for a while.

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I have learned one thing...when people tell you something...believe them. You hurt him, and even tho he may still love you, and probably may always...from what he has said, I doubt you will reconcile. I think he is done. he just knows you want to try again, and he is trying to spare your feelings...

"We arent together", and "i dont think we will end up together" mean exactly what they say. sorry...I feel you need to let this one go.

If he contacts you and says he has had a change of heart and wants to try again, thats a different story, but as of now, I wouldnt hold out hope.

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I have learned one thing...when people tell you something...believe them. You hurt him, and even tho he may still love you, and probably may always...from what he has said, I doubt you will reconcile. I think he is done. he just knows you want to try again, and he is trying to spare your feelings...

"We arent together", and "i dont think we will end up together" mean exactly what they say. sorry...I feel you need to let this one go.

If he contacts you and says he has had a change of heart and wants to try again, thats a different story, but as of now, I wouldnt hold out hope.

 

He has hurt me too, you know. It's a very long story, but he has lashed his anger out on me and hurted me, to which he expressed regret to me that night as well.

 

Someone suggested I wait a couple more days before sending him a light hearted text asking if he's okay. Should I do that?

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i think it's ok to "check in"...

But I hate to see you waiting and hoping for something that may not happen, and get hurt again.

sounds to me like the ball is in his court. He knows how you feel, and that you want a second go, but you cant push someone towards you, and a real honest reconciliation, if it's going to happen, needs to be between two people who have dealt with the reasons the relationship didnt work the first time...i'm not sure if either of you are there yet.

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i think it's ok to "check in"...

But I hate to see you waiting and hoping for something that may not happen, and get hurt again.

sounds to me like the ball is in his court. He knows how you feel, and that you want a second go, but you cant push someone towards you, and a real honest reconciliation, if it's going to happen, needs to be between two people who have dealt with the reasons the relationship didnt work the first time...i'm not sure if either of you are there yet.

 

If I let him know that I love him, flaws and all, don't you think he'll give it a second go? He was so crazy about me and just... I don't want to let go. Not yet, atleast...

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you can let him know your feelings, but that wont change his.

it took me 5 years to get my ex back.

I understand your feelings of frustration, but no amount of telling him what you want will change what he feels is right for him. it make take awhile for him to build up the strength to overlook the bad things from your past together, and try again.

do you think it's possible you may view your past with him throught 'rose colored glasses"?

I did that...and it made it even harder to realize that maybe we shouldnt be together. He reminded me that it wasnt all so perfect, and that reconciliation would take ALOT of work.

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you can let him know your feelings, but that wont change his.

it took me 5 years to get my ex back.

I understand your feelings of frustration, but no amount of telling him what you want will change what he feels is right for him. it make take awhile for him to build up the strength to overlook the bad things from your past together, and try again.

do you think it's possible you may view your past with him throught 'rose colored glasses"?

I did that...and it made it even harder to realize that maybe we shouldnt be together. He reminded me that it wasnt all so perfect, and that reconciliation would take ALOT of work.

 

I love him so much and he knows that. tomorrow I'm going to text him and won't push anything, but I'll be there to let him know I care. I just hope he knows it...

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He doesn't think he is good for me, and wants me to be happy.

 

 

Oh man how so many times my ex told me those words!!! And I looked at her perplexed and thought "well, then just love me forever!! It's not rocket science, is it??"

 

But she meant what she said, and every time we got a little up, she would tear us back down again with her own insecuraities. And then when she was feeling really good, she would run around and do stupid things like drink too much and flrit with everybody with a pulse or slink away to spend time with other groups.

 

REM -

This one goes out to the one I love

This one goes out to the one I left behind

A simple prop

to pass the time.

 

That was me - the simple prop.

 

The short of it is, he's giving you the greatest gift he can give you and that is the exit ramp out of his life. Please, take it, or you will be like me in a year from now. He will still hurt you again. And again. And again.

 

At least that is what happened with my Ex.

 

I call this roller coaster "Emotional Abuse."

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Yes you must leave him be.. He has said it plainly and truthfully and that is that he does not want to be with you. He is saying it in a nice way. You will read into it the way you want to and see hope there, but trust me, he told you the truth about how he feels right now. It may change years from today, but as of now, He does not want to be with you.

I know this from experience and as much as it hurts, and i know it's hurting you like a Mofo, but you will have to just live for you and move forward. Please do not contact him as it will only hurt you, because you will not end up with him and he won't change his mind. It doesn't matter how much you tell him you love him, it still won't change things. All it will seems you are doing is trying to make him feel guilty and guilt will not bring anyone back. If he comes back on his own months or years down the line and you are still available, then fine, but I'm telling you that He said it in the nicest and bestest way he can to you as not to hurt your feeling any longer and that is that He does not want to be with you and won't change his mind anytime soon. It's a FACT. So little lady, leave him alone and be single for a while and then see if you are ready to start dating other people eventually. You are very young and have a long way to go. I know it's hard, but this is what you have to do.. Take care Little lady and be good and positive in yourself.

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What the hell am I doing to myself?!? I'm done. That's it. I already signed up for eharmony and I'm going to college the upcoming monday, so that's a billion new people for me to meet and a lot of experiences to learn and enjoy.

 

Screw this! I'm telling my ex off right now to never contact me again. This girl is done. I'm sorry everyone for blowing up, but you're all pretty much right. I should move on.

 

I am DONE!

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If I let him know that I love him, flaws and all, don't you think he'll give it a second go?

 

we aren't together, even though I don't think we will end up together

 

 

J, he's making things perfectly clear to you. It's normal to lose it once in a while during the healing process. You had a good grip on things and I'm proud of how you managed to get along by yourself. It's just a slip up. Were I in your shoes, I'd nix the contact with him from now on.

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What the hell am I doing to myself?!? I'm done. That's it. I already signed up for eharmony and I'm going to college the upcoming monday, so that's a billion new people for me to meet and a lot of experiences to learn and enjoy.

 

Screw this! I'm telling my ex off right now to never contact me again. This girl is done. I'm sorry everyone for blowing up, but you're all pretty much right. I should move on.

I'm glad you're apparently coming to this realization, because there was nothing in your original post that suggested reconciliation (or even "reconilation").

 

No need to tell him anything. Just walk away and never look back.

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