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having and eating cake after long term


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Hi everyone


First, thanks in advance for your insight. I'll keep it brief.


My girlfriend (of 6 years) and I broke up in June. The old story of the spark dwindling and neither of us having the will or energy to try and try again. It wasn't ugly. There was no cheating or abuse. (Which actually makes the decision a hell of a lot harder). It was a mutual decision and seemed reasonable at the time. Until time went on.


We lived together for a month to sort out our stuff until I suspected she started seeing someone in her "exercise" group. I don't want to sound like to jealous, nosey ex bf, but it was evident. Especially when you live with someone on a small apartment and then the phone bill came.


Anyway, I moved out to my parents place. Being 28 and the boomerang kid is always an experience. During our "mutual" break up, I was numb and feeling"less" and was accepting of our decision....until the day I decided to move out. When reality struck, it hit me like a sock filled with quarters. I have spent a 5th of my life with this person and I still love her deeply, despite all our shortcomings and lack of relationship. Why couldn't we try harder?


I have 2 problems:


Problem 1

the fact she is seeing someone else is probably the most painful feeling I've had and I know a lot of people on this site can relate. You start to question your self-worth, looks, character etc. How can I get over this feeling of anger and betrayal even though I know she is well within her right to go out with other people? It was just so soon. I still feel a unjustified obligation to her and approaching other girls still feels off.



Problem 2

She wants to be friends. ugh. friends. Our lease is up this month and we are still sorting out details with bills etc. When we talk, it starts business then turns into chitty chat. She thinks because we've been together this long, we can chat every once in a while to catch up. When you are older and have been in a long term relationship, is this something you should work on? It seems she wants the comfort of me and the thrill with someone else.


Bottom line is I still love her. I miss her. I miss us. But I know this break was needed for both of us to get some perspective. Do i cut the cord until i dont care anymore?


ok that wasnt very brief but I could have gone on for pages

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Personally, maybe in time you can be the 'chitty-chat' kind of friends. In the near-term, I'd say you and she should really have no or very light contact.


I wouldn't want to hear personal details of my ex's life because I would be jealous and upset, etc...


Just my $.02.



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yes. if you can, cut the cord.


it's ok to be angry and feel betrayed but please remember that when you hold on to a bunch of hurt and pain, there will be no rooms for any other feelings that you should feel for yourself.


learn to acknowledge it, accept it, forgive her, be kind to yourself and let everything go. it will be hard but it's doable. do it now and do not prolong it. the more you prolong it, the more the pain endure. it's up to you to decide whether you want to get better now or keep the pain longer and heal slower.


hope you feel better soon. *hug*

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You can't be friends. You can only be friends after a relationship if you both saw things the same way, and ended things mutually.


You said a key point.. you feel an obligation to her at the thought of talking to other women. She has no such obligation to you. You are still emotionally vested in her, and she is not in you. Being friends will not mean the same thing to you both, and like any relationship, you really have to mean the same thing to each other and be on the same playing field. You could probably talk to her about a love interest of yours, and she'd chat like you are her high-school friend... but how will you feel when she talks about details of her and her new guy?


As for problem number 1... you still need to heal and adjust and find a way to get past it. It really sucks, but there are no easy answers.

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I agree with others... it obviously pains you to see her, and you want to stop that pain, so just keep the contact to little or none. At least you don't have to see her and be in the same house.


It's probably worse just because she is seeing somewhere else. If you were seeing someone else, it wouldn't be as bad... and probably wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't seeing anyone either.

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I think this is a normal human reflex- you are acting on the fear of the unknown, so you want to cling to what is familiar to you.


As others have suggested, let it go for a few months- after all, just a little while ago you wanted to beak up! If you still feel this strongly in a few months, reach out to her and see where things are.

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