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Need to vent: long post.


Wolf_22

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Anything within this post will be structured to maintain anonymity for obvious reasons. It will also be made to convey in as much of an objective approach as possible. Lastly, this will be a long post, so if you feel like passing on this, I completely understand. I just have to vent about this once and for all in order to continue to heal.

 

As it turns out, I should count my blessings for what I’ve been able to acquire throughout my short time here on earth. I have a wonderful grandmother who’s always had unconditional love for me regardless of what I’ve done in life and I’ve always been gifted with many skills and talents to which I have had some awesome experiences with. I’ve been able to attend college (which some people never get the chance to do, let alone, with no loans under their belt) and I have a healthy body that gets to come home in a nice place and drive around in a nice car. Personally, I wish everyone could have the things I have. The world would be a much nicer place if they did. Sometimes I even feel guilty for having this much in my life.

 

Despite all this, my life has had a fare amount of spoil, too…

 

Everything I consider to be my “current journey” seems to have started back during my undergraduate education. I first started out at the school as a graphic design major whereupon I later decided to change over to information technology due to my passion with working online and my preference of leaving a hobby a hobby, and not that of turning it into work (the art stuff, I mean). During this latter degree trek, I was offered a job position with an internship that did everything I ever wanted to do with doing things on the internet. The job was the best job I ever had (albeit internship) and from that point, on, I decided that this line of work was exactly what I wanted to do with my life for 30-sum odd years.

 

During that internship, I was asked to work on a specific project which was pretty big. The project involved making something that was old and archaic, better, and during this project, I was asked to answer to a pair of supervisors who were not my normal supervisors—they belonged to a different department altogether. I later learned through the gossip mill that these two newly assigned supervisors were engaging in adulterous actions after and before work hours behind their wife and husband’s backs. I tried to avoid taking part in the rumors and I tried to avoid thinking about it, but working with the two each day everyday of the week, it was obvious that they had something going on—and it impacted the way they respected me and their jobs, especially when we met during meetings. For example, they would often demand that things to be accomplished that were outside my scope of responsibilities, but also, not really feasible in terms of time or skill set requirements.

 

As time went on in this internship, I kept working as hard as I could on the project. It began causing problems between my then girlfriend while also taking its toll on the 12-15 credit hour full-time class load I had then. I hardly ever got more than 6 hours of sleep during the week and on the weekends, I always found myself so overburdened with this job that I lost touch with my friends and family (and those of my girlfriend’s friends and family). It was seriously overloaded, but not surprisingly, because the reason the CIO of the university wanted me to work on it was because he apparently lacked the personnel at the time both capable and willing to do the job.

 

During this same time of the stressful internship experience and difficult-to-balance coursework (and relationships), I attended the campus job fair as it was my last year at college and I needed a real job soon! Some of the people I worked with at the internship now worked with a massive Fortune 500 company that was involved with providing financial assistance to college students. The company was number 1 in the nation (America) for student financial assistance. Their IT headquarters was located within the same state, so because of this and my connections with some of their employees whom I considered friends at the time, I was advised (by some of these “friends”) to stop by their booth at the job fair—they were going to try and get me a job!

 

And so I went, and so I was later provided a job offer from the company after a day’s worth of numerous interviews and follow-ups from some friends and 1 instructor who arranged everything. I was really happy.

 

After word was sent to my Yahoo e-mail that I was going to get this job with the financial giant, I was ecstatic. I kept thinking to myself that this would solve all the problems I ever had during my internship and college, especially since it started me off at $45,000 a year coming from a status-quo student rate of $10.00 an hour (and that was a lucky rate). The money problems would be taken care of; I could work my 8 hours a day and come home to relax; I could start focusing on getting that body I always wanted and start having fun in life with hobbies, family, and friends; and more importantly, I could enjoy my leisure time of trying to work on my own personal websites at home on my off hours when I wanted! Guess what? I dead wrong about everything, but before I get to that, I want to explain how the internship ended during my last month of college...

 

During my last month of college and internship, I was coming close to being done with that “special project.” Within this amount of time, I was still having daily meetings with the higher-ups about progress and such. Sometimes they expected me to come in to provide presentations on progress at five in the morning where the only notice I would be given beforehand would be about 12 hours worth. Take that in tandem with staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning on a school night working on papers and trying to spend at least 1 hour with your girlfriend, you wind up having severe anxiety problems. Back then, I never even had time to work on my body which is why back then, I weighed around 245 lbs at a height of six feet and two inches. Needless to say, things sucked, but I kept sucking it up as much as possible because I wanted to do my job to the best of my abilities and stand out amongst my peers as being someone worth looking up to while building a life worth sharing with my future spouse. Anyway, during my last meeting with the two supervisors previously mentioned, I was ambushed!

 

The project I was working on consisted of many things pertaining to the employer’s departmental look of their website: they wanted a nice, fresh, and modern look. All through the project, things were going fine, or at least as far as the project itself is concerned, things were going relatively fine, but at the last hour, they decided to use a certain program to manage their website. Here’s where the black cloud of my life entered: the program that they wanted to use to manage their website did not follow the “rules of the web.” When I first came to learn of this, I began conveying my apprehension of using the program, but nobody ever listened to me or read my e-mails apparently because they continued to follow through with it. During my last meeting working on this project, they cynically told me that they needed to have it work with that program and that failure was not an option. I continued to explain to them that it wouldn’t work like they wanted it to. Well, they didn’t accept that answer, of course, and I later quit that day with only 1 month left in my degree.

 

I found out later after walking out of the building that day that they were taking all the credit for my work during the campus-wide meetings that were being held for each university department. I also found out (after some time) that they were bad-mouthing my good name because they believed that my “templates” didn’t work. You see, the thing is that they DID work, just not with the program that they wanted to use because the program they decided to stick with didn’t follow web standards and due to this, it was perceived that I tripped them up as a last ditch effort to hose them at the end. Never once did they listen to me when I tried to explain to them all throughout the project that this was of utmost importance. I’ll never understand how they could come to expect so much from a twenty-two year old who was volunteering for that gig…

 

So having quit the internship, I spent the last remaining month getting ready for graduation and my big move into the city to start my first career job. I had a lot of things to do, like apartment shopping, packing, paperwork, etc. You know how it is when you have a big event like this—it’s like a once in a lifetime ordeal for some of us—the rarity of buying a new car or purchasing your own home; it doesn’t happen often but when it does, you’re filled with many emotions and thoughts… It was one of the most exciting moments in my life, but also, one of the most stressful and sad times. I didn’t like how I felt I was taken advantage of during the internship and I really hated how it ended despite my volunteer-like efforts, after all, I was asked to do the project—never required to and it was never what I was originally hired for within the internship. Above all else, my girlfriend still had 1 whole year left of school, so she would be on campus while I would be 45 minutes away from her all through the week. This later became one of the biggest problems I faced. Everything else, however, was just the act of leaving everything behind to move into a city where I knew nobody and knew where nothing was—all of which would have to be experienced by myself. It was a very, very sad thing for me to face then.

 

As time went by, I found that the new job I acquired was like working in hell. I worked in a department where all the managers were misogynistic women who all exhibited signs of personality disorders or mild-to-moderate schizophrenia. I remember one even eliciting signs of dyskinesia which is a type of thing that occurs in people that causes them to have spontaneous facial twitches and spasms. She did it all the time and it was something I often wondered if she was ever confronted about.

 

Anyway, the place was a huge building that would convey a sense of employment paradise looking at it from the outside. Behind the huge office building that looked like some sort of modern day Avalon, there was a nice-sized lake where geese would frequently swim and employees would jog around. The deep and thick green grass was managed well and the parking lot was usually pretty spacious and right by a major interstate road where everyone could be breath taken by our said kingdom of contemporary office work. In order to gain entrance into the fortress, one would be required to swipe a car against a scanner next to the door handle. Overall, the outside of the luxurious building was quite impressive. Inside, however, your party was cut short. The entire office space was infested with over 1-to-200 cubicles and most of the time, you worked within earshot of your team and leaders—and this caused major problems. Many times, I could hear my direct supervisor whispering to people about other people behind their backs pertaining to things that were just out-of-bounds for even private conversations. I remember my team leader even whispering about how I was going to be terminated to someone she had at her desk the day I was let go, so needless to say, everyone could hear everything. Nobody helped you if you had problems getting anything done and you had no friends there: everyone was a backstabbing, two-faced, fork-tongued cretin. The computers we worked on had a bright neon-green coding set against a midnight-black background where the use of things like refresh buttons did not exist—you had to have it right the first time…

 

Why this place hired me, I’ll never know understand. Maybe it was the way I presented myself or my personality or, maybe it was because they had a hard time recruiting people so instead, they needed to subtly draft students into that horrible place as from what I understand, mainframe programmers are hard to come by anymore. Regardless, I came from a web background and this place wanted me to program on machines that were older than any house I’ve ever lived in. Anyone having any knowledge of computers or programming will soon agree that such a change is a complete 180. I came in knowing absolutely nothing about what was expected of my performance, and in spite of having 3 credit hours on my transcripts pertaining to the technology this place hinged on, the classroom experience I had from that 1 single class was absolutely insignificant in comparison to what I went through in this company. I managed to hang on for an entire year after being constantly reassured by everyone that things would get better, but things never got any better. Things only got worse.

 

My termination said that it was derived from performance. Of course, to the lamer, this translates to “hey, you’re lazy and have no work ethic worth mentioning”, but for anyone in my shoes, this was the royal screw-over of one’s entire life. I remember having numerous meetings where I was chewed out for not having assignments completed or for not doing something the right way, but it had nothing to do with whether or not I worked on them—I use to come in on Sundays for crying out loud—no, instead, it was all because none of the stuff hit home or made sense to me. I had no idea what I was doing and after conveying this for more than 8 or 9 months, I gave up. I hated the stuff I worked on anyway which caused a lack of ambition, so I begin looking for alternatives within the company by applying to web-specific jobs within the same building. Their new-employee-orientation pitch was that this sort of diversity was always offered, too, so I thought that the baby might not need to be thrown out yet. This effort apparently went noticed as I was later asked to have a meeting with someone from a department where working on “web things” was the primary function. He encouraged me to keep my chin up and keep coming into work and not to quit and sooner or later, something will happen where I’ll be transferred into his or another department of my liking. Well, this never happened, of course, and I was later given the boot with no escorts to walk me out of the place to help me with my things. I should’ve known this would happen because not only did they fire the recruiter who recruited me, but later after him, they also terminated the in-house instructors responsible for giving my group of newbies on-the-job training. I later found out after a month or two that many of the people I worked with either lost their jobs or found new ones.

 

So I went out of the place thinking about suicide that day. Yes, I had it all planned out: I would go and jump into a bathtub and slit my wrists so that nobody would have a mess to clean up after I’m gone—at least, none too big too clean. Were it not for a close friend of mine, I probably would have killed myself that day because I was not in anyway fit for being by myself. While working at that place, my entire life changed from being somewhat optimistically directed to being a living hell in less than a year. I ended up losing almost everything I loved and cherished—even my girlfriend who began posting images of herself and her new lover giving each other kisses during her graduation commencement. I had almost no friends, few family members whom I talked to, and now, dwindling money with no insurance or assurance of any sort.

 

After looking for a job for 8 months thereafter while sucking on unemployment benefits watching my self-confidence dwindling each day, I eventually decided to come back and re-attend the school I graduated from while also getting help from one of the campus counselors. Oh, I had interviews during those 8 months of pure unemployment, sure, but all of the interviews either led nowhere or provided horrible offers that were worse than anything I have ever seen. Even for pathetic student-job rates. So after coming back home and starting again at the same college I left, I begin looking for work around the campus. Of course, it seemed to me that I was in the focus of that black cloud hurricane as I had a very difficult time acquiring anything due to my previous abrupt departure that nobody even ever asked me about. After searching and searching, I finally found a student job with a guy I knew, but with 75% of the semester having ended, I was suddenly let-go from that job due to a policy nobody could ever seem to locate anywhere on any website or any book within any office on campus. It was like it magically appeared from thin air.

 

The policy stated that all students must meet a minimum requirement of a certain limit of academic hours or else all on-campus working privileges will be revoked (you won’t be allowed to work on campus). At the time, I was taking only 1 class (3 credit hours) due to expenses and problems coming from not having a job. Were it not for the unemployment benefits I had at the time, I might not have been able to keep standing on my own 2 feet, but still, things were problematic. After consulting with the “Student Employment Director” of the campus, he admittedly informed me that the reason my then boss couldn’t find the defined policy was because he (the Student Employment Director) forgot to post it on the student employment departmental website. He told me that he could contact payroll and probably get the issue fixed, but that would leave me to tackle my specific department’s policies—and that’s where I lost the battle. The supervisor of my then supervisor was the one who wouldn’t allow me to come back. I later looked at her Facebook friend’s list to determine possible rationale or motive and it turned out that she is friends with one of the supervisor’s I was answering to during the project of my internship. Conspiracy?

 

Fast forward to today and it seems that this same cloud is still very prevalent, but lessening. I do have 2 jobs now, but both are (of course) student jobs that pay almost nothing per hour. Today, I just learned that after previously being reassured of regaining my first lost job on campus, that now, the minimum credit requirement needed to work at that job is 12 credit hours (or full-time). Unfortunately for me, I’m only taking 2 classes (6 credit hours). Before all this started, the minimum was 6 credit hours… I remember telling that supervisor then how I intended on taking only 6 credit hours when the fall semester came around. Because of this, I feel like now, I can’t even trust that guy.

 

It’s because of things like this that I have a difficult time understanding how any god could exist. I’ve lost my then-girlfriend as well as any pride or confidence I once had due to being basically unemployed (despite having 2 student jobs). I’ve also lost any desire to see any light at the end of this visceral tunnel I traverse because it never seems to dissipate. I feel like at times I can’t trust anyone except my own grandmother and few friends I currently call “friend” seem to never be there for me in spite of them ALWAYS coming to me about their drama or issues. All I really want in life anymore is to just be left alone but be able to provide for myself at the same time. I don’t think that’s asking for much, do you? I’ve applied to so many places looking for a job that I can’t even keep count anymore and the efforts all seem to go nowhere. I’ve even had the help of more than 1 recruiter and it still never goes anywhere. I’ve been told left-and-right that my resume is impressive; that I have great references (almost all of which are Ph.D.s—even one chairperson). Even in spite of wanting to do something in web design, my degree should pinpoint any usefulness I might have for any company, and if that doesn’t, then my internship and professional experience of combined 1-2 years worth should say something, but nope. Nothing…

 

So until something comes by, it looks like I’m practically back where I started and it eats me up inside. Every once in awhile, I see my ex driving around town with her new boyfriend with her in the passenger’s seat. It makes my stomach upset and then turns into sheer rage when I think about it. It also makes me nauseous in knowing that she was an art major who is now employed by the university as an actual staff person doing secretarial and database work as where I am still in the student-employment market having a B.S. in Information Technology. I know it’s not “who has what” that counts here, but I can’t help but to have bitterness toward her—because I believe deep down that her uncle had his hand in getting her that job (because he’s one of the big-wigs over there).

 

I’m a twenty-something who feels like a fifty-something and it’s a wonder I’m still here. I’m getting along in spite of all this crap with my grandmother’s help and my 2 jobs combined, but still, it’s really hard and emotionally wrenching. You’re probably wondering why I’ve posted all this. Hell, you might even believe that most (if not all) of this is my fault somehow, and maybe it is through some sort of unconscious avenue of cause-and-action, but deep down, I guess the reason I’m posting this is because I needed to just to get past this emotional overload I keep to myself much the way “Dexter” does on his television show. I feel almost entirely alone in all this with the only go-to being someone who is almost 80 years old because I’ve recently lost a friend due to telling him that his wife is no longer allowed to come around because of her blatant disrespect (another long story). My other best-friend, who lives 45 minutes away, rarely calls, and if he does, half the time it’s only to vent about his kids or his high-paying job. All of this always leads me to believe that somewhere along the lines of life, I’ve done something to make the forces of nature and God itself become hateful of my accidental creation. I’m a great guy who has the heart of a giant and who can never even harm a fly half the time. I get great grades in class; have always worked hard for every single thing I have and have had and I feel as if life itself is plotting against me in a JFK-like plot. I have a hard time maintaining any hope that things in both the economy and my life will ever change and I feel as if I’ve set my dismal fate in stone by wanting to pursue web design as a career. Hey, my logic is this: if I can get a job at a Fortune 500 company straight out of college having absolute ‘0’ experience in what they needed from me, then shouldn’t I be able to find something in what I have a little experience in??? Going through all this war of sorts has made me very bitter (at best) at not only employers and managers, but also, the college I graduated from, and, women in general—especially my poisonous ex of whom I never really received a black-and-white reason for her leaving me.

 

Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just wish I could fall asleep and not ever wake up, but obviously, feeling sorry for myself is a luxury this economy forbids (especially my field—if I even have a true field). Having received the spontaneous “heads-up” today about this newest credit hour limit and my defeated attempt at getting that job back, I guess, is what sparked me to write this out. I do feel a bit better now for doing it, but still, the battle continues…

 

Thanks for letting me unload here.

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Not even sure what to say.

 

Life is hard and it comes at you fast, it isn't about whether or not you'll get hit, you'll always get hit, but you gotta be willing to take the hit and hit back harder.

 

None of us know where we are headed, but that is also part of the rush.

 

Keep pushing, you never know what is around the corner.

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In my own personal journeys i always tell myself it could always be worse...After reading your story you can say the same. The most important thing is to not be bitter cause then you will not take in the lessons on what your going thru.

 

Hate in your heart will consume you dont hate or be bitter about anything in life just get thru it and reguardless if there is a light at the end of the tunnel keep pushing keeping doing what you need to do. its so easy to just give up so i commend you for atleast staying in there and pushing.

 

Plenty of million and billionares have been thru comparable if not worse senarios than yours stay focus people have gone thru worse than this and suceeded. Keep the emotional side of it and focus on where your trying to go.

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In my own personal journeys i always tell myself it could always be worse...After reading your story you can say the same. The most important thing is to not be bitter cause then you will not take in the lessons on what your going thru.

 

Hate in your heart will consume you dont hate or be bitter about anything in life just get thru it and reguardless if there is a light at the end of the tunnel keep pushing keeping doing what you need to do. its so easy to just give up so i commend you for atleast staying in there and pushing.

 

Plenty of million and billionares have been thru comparable if not worse senarios than yours stay focus people have gone thru worse than this and suceeded. Keep the emotional side of it and focus on where your trying to go.

 

That's one the great things about this website. Every once in awhile, we can use someone to tell us that it could be worse. I know I've been there before for others around here like that, so thanks for doing that for me. I think I needed to see that, ya know?

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Hate in your heart will consume you dont hate or be bitter about anything in life just get thru it and reguardless if there is a light at the end of the tunnel keep pushing keeping doing what you need to do. its so easy to just give up so i commend you for atleast staying in there and pushing.

 

I strongly agree; do not let it comsume you. If it becomes all encompassing you will end up in even more of a rut. Keep going. You made it through college, a hellish internship, a crappy job, and you still have the strength to start all over again. That is amazing. Don't belittle the fact that if you can start the hardest part of something over and keep at it; that is seriously amazing.

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I strongly agree; do not let it comsume you. If it becomes all encompassing you will end up in even more of a rut. Keep going. You made it through college, a hellish internship, a crappy job, and you still have the strength to start all over again. That is amazing. Don't belittle the fact that if you can start the hardest part of something over and keep at it; that is seriously amazing.

 

Thanks. That means a lot.

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  • 3 months later...

Wow. Ok, I know you posted this back in August, but after you responded to my post, I needed to know how similar our situations really were. And they are incredibly similar. Except I believe that the world has screwed you over through little fault of your own, whereas it's my own damn fault that the world hates me.

 

I intend to write a better response when I'm more awake, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and was moved by it. Your struggle has been difficult, and I'm truly sorry that such terrible things happen to such good people. I hope things are better now. I bet we'd have a lot in common to talk about.

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Yeah, me too (sorry for the late reply--landlord's been keeping me busy trying to stay warm since the furnace went out yesterday *rolls eyes in exasperation*).

 

But yeah, it's been a roller coaster, for sure. Things have got a bit better, though. I'm slated to take my GRE soon and hopefully, will be accepted come next spring where I plan to have an assistantship lined-up. I also have 4 jobs--all of which the pay stinks as they're basically student jobs, but it's something.

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