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Would You Try To Make Contact Again


MiracleMan
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
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My ex and I broke up about six weeks ago (I did the dumping). I tried to make contact via email with her a couple of days later and she told me she was going to be NC for a while. I replied with a note saying that I would respect her wishes and that I would be thinking about her on her birthday which was coming up in a couple of weeks. Never said I would contact her on her birthday.

 

Her birthday came and went and I thought about her all day but did not make contact with her.

 

I've missed her like crazy the entire time we've been apart and I recently visited her Facebook page for the first time since we broke up. I was shocked to see that she had been updating her status in the days surrounding her birthday. She NEVER EVER posts a status update! In addition, the first status update was on a subject she knows to be very near and dear to my heart. She also updated her profile pic of with a more flattering image of herself. I may be reading too much into this, but knowing her like I do, I felt like she was almost daring me to come out and make contact with her. Of course I didn't make contact at the time because I haven't been on FB since we broke up.

 

Like I said, I miss her like crazy and I've wanted to get back together after only a few days apart. So I send her an email - kept it very casual and short - hey how have you been that type of thing. I have not gotten a response from her.

 

Here's my question for you all - if I don't hear from her in a few more days do I try again, but this time be more direct and to the point telling her I want to talk about getting back together, or do I let it go and give her more time?

 

Thanks in advance

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Since you were the one who left and now want to get back together then you need to make that clear. Just be sure that is what you really want since it could set her back if you all of the sudden change your mind again. Also be prepared to get a cold shoulder and maybe even pursue her for a bit to get her back. You;ll have to convince her with actions as well as words.

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My ex and I broke up about six weeks ago (I did the dumping). I tried to make contact via email with her a couple of days later and she told me she was going to be NC for a while.

But at this point I'd say if you care and respect her you would go completely no contact. No means no.

 

Often we want what we can't have and don't want what we do have, yes?

 

I miss her like crazy and I've wanted to get back together after only a few days apart. So I send her an email - kept it very casual and short ....I have not gotten a response from her ...

 

Here's my question for you all - if I don't hear from her in a few more days do I try again, but this time be more direct and to the point telling her I want to talk about getting back together, or do I let it go and give her more time?

 

 

Give what more time? ... Breaking the NC she just asked for? You seem to be experiencing symptoms of severe heartbreak, thus requiring that you fervently protect yourself now with NC. The cool thing is that this is what she wants, too. On the other hand, as brokenheart311 states -- you do (or did) have a very narrow opportunity to say you made a mistake breaking up. Well, "very narrow" is my addition to his idea. Typically, if you push too hard ... you'll get hurt more deeply and she'll be turned-off more completely.

 

Its tough. But you two are now broken-up. That is the deal. The only hope of a new relationship is on the other side of a complete end to this one. Trust me, then you'll both see more clearly and who knows?

 

My question for you is why did you break-up? Did she hurt or harm you some important way? If so, be careful of this situation. Move on down the road and get away from this situation.

 

Even if she did not originally hurt you ... this current dynamic will (and is) hurting you. It seems to me you have no choice but to protect yourself through NC.

 

Be careful. I truly think in this case that true NC is the safest alternative for you no matter what your goal is.

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I would suggest telling her how you feel and that you want to discuss what happened between you and the possibility of a reconciliation. You could even take a risk and show up at her door with flowers. She may freak out but it may win her heart.

 

You broke up with her and the onus is on you to make a move. You can't possibly expect her to know what you feel with your casual email or risk resonding. And you may get rejected but I think you should go for it. good luck!

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But at this point I'd say if you care and respect her you would go completely no contact. No means no.

 

Just to play devils advocate over here...What if she went NC in hopes that he would react this way exactly. It seems like a lot of people use NC right away as a means to get the dumper back hoping that time apart will create a sense of loss and the dumper will come running back.

 

I think you should evaluate the situation depending on your relationship, why you broke up, how long you were together, if you can fix the problems you had before, etc. That is up to you to decide only. But from the sounds of it I think you should try contacting her again and let her know exactly how you feel. Make sure that this is what you really want!! Do you just think you want her back because you are used to having her around, or do you really want to be with this girl? Be prepared for her to shut you down though since you dumped her. And she might not take you back right away and make you fight for it a little. So just be prepared for that. Good luck!

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Give what more time? ... Breaking the NC she just asked for? You seem to be experiencing symptoms of severe heartbreak, thus requiring that you fervently protect yourself now with NC.

 

To be clear, it's been six weeks so I'm not breaking the NC she just asked for. But you are right in that I'm experiencing severe heartbreak. The only reason I attempted to reach out now is because I've just gotten to a point where I'm able to handle it if she doesn't want to speak.

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Just to play devils advocate over here...What if she went NC in hopes that he would react this way exactly. It seems like a lot of people use NC right away as a means to get the dumper back hoping that time apart will create a sense of loss and the dumper will come running back

 

 

I agree with all you write here and in your whole post. I, too, considered this in this man's case. There is great liklihood that she is protecting a broken heart, too. More than likely both can't completely let go.

 

On either end of communication, no one should entertain alternative meanings to "no." This is very dangerous territory.

 

All parties must be assured that "no" means "no" going forward.

 

Otherwise, any future "no's" from her in any context could be interpreted as a "yes", or a "maybe". No human relationship can survive a communication environment like that. She would have to undo the "no" with a very clear "yes" for me to proceed on any basis. I would suggest this fellow hold the high ground of sanity and respect her "no" as it stands.

 

I also did not read that she said "forever". Nor did she say "occassionally", or from "time-to-time", or "maybe in a few months" or even "never". She said more like "no, not right now". And he seems to have kept the door open just enough for her to reinitiate contact. The ball does not seem to be in his court any longer, unless he wants to seem more desparate, possibly repelling her on a more deep level.

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To be clear, it's been six weeks so I'm not breaking the NC she just asked for. But you are right in that I'm experiencing severe heartbreak. The only reason I attempted to reach out now is because I've just gotten to a point where I'm able to handle it if she doesn't want to speak.

 

Six weeks is good!! That's a long time. Its hard. Some days are worse than others I know you know. In my case it has taken up to a year or two to get over the loss of a serious love relationship. One time, however, I cried for one night only. She was great in many ways, but particularly abusive in a couple of others.

 

I knew that it had to end, even "though she dumped me.

 

And oddly, looking back at a few break-ups its hard to tell by whom and when the last towel was thrown. It takes distance to see the big picture.

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Well, for what it's worth, this is what I think.

 

IF:

 

1. You're absolutely sure you want to get back together; you want the reality of actually being together again, not just the satisfaction of getting her back;

 

2. You're willing to work on whatever it was that caused you two to break up in the first place (I can't see mention here of what it was, so it's hard to say how much work that will require - quite a lot if it caused you to want out, I'd imagine);

 

3. If you're as sure as you can be that you'll be able to handle it if she cold shoulders you;

 

THEN I'd let her know in a heartbeat. I had one of those 'how you doing?' emails from my ex, who left me, a little while back. All I read into it was 'I'm lonely', 'I'm nostalgic', 'I feel guilty', 'I'm bored', 'I have laundry'... I could go on. It didn't say 'I WANT YOU BACK' at all. You have to be certain you want her back for the right reasons, but if you do - why not go for it? I don't think I'd say it in an email. I'd ask her if she'll meet up with you to talk - maybe even put it in a letter. Emails are too impersonal.

 

Once you've let her know how you feel she'll need to think about the issues above, and she'll have to decide whether it's worth trying again, and the risk of you leaving and hurting her all over again. You'll have to forgive each other for what's gone on, but she isn't going to forget. Could be a case of once bitten, twice shy, but if you're adamant you want to be together again, what have you got to lose?

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OMG, MiracleMan, this is amazing. This forum is jam-packed with dumpees who are dying to know whether their exes want to reconcile. Everyone's posting because they get emails like the one you sent her, wondering if this means their ex is interested, just playing, etc. She's probably thinking the exact same thing!

 

Look, I'd be completely shocked if she rejected you at this point. Like everybody posting around here, she doesn't want contact if you're just going to chit chat, be friends, or string her along. You have to take the risk and tell her how you feel if you want a response. I guess if she does reject you, that's it. It'll be painful, but at least you'll know. But if you don't contact her, you'll never know. She's never going to contact you, no matter how she feels, because you broke up with her. So, it's on you . . .

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I agree with those who say that since you were the dumper, it's up to you to introduce the topic of reconciliation. I would send one more e-mail in which you state clearly that you've been having second thoughts about the break-up and would love to hear from her if she's willing to talk to you about it, and wishing her well if she's not willing. Then she at least has a clear idea of where you stand and is making her decisions based on the reality of the situation.

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Look, I'd be completely shocked if she rejected you at this point.

It's not always like that. Sometimes the dumpee is too hurt by being dumped to want to get back together. And, she may be afraid she'll just get hurt again. She has the self respect to maintain 6 weeks of NC, so she just might have the self respect to say no to the guy who dumped her, to protect her heart. This is why the dumper needs to be sure before dumping someone.

 

But, I agree that you probably have a decent chance to win her back.

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