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I don't know where to start. Firstly, there is no huge problem in my relationship, the problem I think is within myself and I am hoping for some outside perspective and maybe some answers.

 

Firstly my girlfriend is 24, french and I am 20, australian and I've been with her for a year and a half now which has been fantastic. I lost my virginity to her, and she had about 3 sexual partners before me, but she never had a relationship or any "feelings" for a guy - to me that meant they were just takers. At the start this didn't bother me as we were just having fun with the whole dating, sex and text messages but as I get into more detail with this post, I will explain how these details are effecting me now.

 

She's pretty mature about sex and the relationship. She claims that sex with someone you love is much better than just sex with someone for the sake of sex. I wouldn't know but I sort of understand, because the sex, to me, seems pointless without any feelings involved. However, she would always say something along the lines of 'You're going to cheat eventually, I don't want you to, but since you've only had sex with me, you will probably want to eventually experiment.' Not to mention she has been told my her mum all her life that 'all men cheat.' She has accepted this as fact. I think this is a sincere offer, if not to keep me interested, at least to keep me at an emotional distance from hurting her. She has moved away to her home country to persue a career, while I stay here to study. She said bluntly that she is not going to have sex with anyone else but I can if I want to, as long as I wear a condom. ( really! it must be a trick!!! )

 

Secondly, throughout our relationship I've had a lot of "encounters" where I couldn't get it up. Sometimes she would get mad, upset or simply brush it off like it was no problem. She would say things like 'you better fix this problem' or 'you don't find me attractive any more', which really bothered me because I do find her attractive but now I feel like it's a huge problem and I have to explain that I can't just switch it on - when we do have sex, or I should say now 'did' have sex, it wasn't fun for me (okay I lie, 2/3 of the time it is fun for me), although she seems to enjoy it all the time, but for me it's just a rush to penetrate before I lose my hard on. This, I think, is because she gets angry that I can never get a hard on when SHE wants sex, only when I want it. We've had many fights about this. Again, what the hell can I do about that? It's not something I can switch on. When we do have sex she says she loves it although the fact that she made that prior comment has destroyed my confidence, in that I don't think she wants the sex, she is just doing it because sex when I want it is the only sex she can get from me. She says she loves it but I really don't feel the connection.

 

Now my confidence when it comes to sex has been completely broken, and I feel like hers has been as well I have been having thoughts of dating other women just for the sake of regaining that connection and confidence. I personally don't feel this is the best way to fix things but I don't know. We are long distance now and I have extended to her an offer to have sex with other guys as long as she is honest about it. This was because I feel that since she has given me the offer, I haven't wanted to cheat on her at all and so I gave her the same choice to see if she feels the same way. And the fear of her cheating and not sneaking around was giving me headaches, I just decided to leave the ball in her court to save me the worry. She said she is totally into me and not attracted to other guys at all.

 

Basically I am really confused about these mixed messages she is sending me. Is she really that into me or is she keeping her distance in case I do actually take up her offer and / or "slip up"? How can I regain my sexual confidence and improve the sex between us? I don't think that I communicate well in bed as I'm focusing on myself too much these days. Is there any problem here? I wonder if she is just saying these things to get a rise out of me - if it is just a need for drama. I must be the only one concerned because she seems like a saint who loves me unconditionally despite my faults in bed but I wonder now, if she thinks back to the times with her old sexual partners and remember them as the good times, while I am the person she has sex now only because I am her lover, despite not pleasing her in bed (even though she says I do.) I wish I knew what she was thinking / feeling. It is frustrating. I wish I could just listen to what she's saying to me, but with her I can't take anything at face value. She holds in her feelings until they explode in a big fight or tantrum. Thanks to anyone who read the whole thing. I hope someone can offer some perspective, I am open to critism, questions and advice. I just need some outside perspective.

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For the record, she is definitely not the cheating type -- always strongly against it (she says in France, the moment you take someone's number you do not cheat) though she has made the exception in my case because she knows people in Australia are more sexually open so we both went for about a month of "casual" dating before she wanted to talk about being exclusive. Also the fact that she's the only person I've slept with. That said, when I mention the fact that she may be emotionally distancing herself from me, it is because she seems to have moved on with life in France without too much trouble, though it has only been a week, visiting all her friends, lots of drinks and showing no obvious signs of being in pain except for a few messages saying she loves me and misses me. I don't know. She is good at hiding her emotions since her father died of cancer when she was young, and her mum told her not to cry or talk about him.

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Hmmm... at first glance it seems as though she is very insecure. The comments about your performance in bed , and how she feels it is because you are not attracted to her, indicates to me she is insecure about how you feel toward her. My guess is that she makes comments about how you can/should go out and be intimate with others is to push you into reaffirming your love and devotion to her. And so she keeps you at an arms distance. You can't be left if you do the leaving, right? So I think she is pushing for a reaction of some sorts.

 

I don't know what kinds of discussions you two have had since she made her initial offer. And if you really care for her, and your relationship, I sincerely hope you do not intend to act on her offer - because I don't think she really means it.

 

My next question(s): how far apart are you two now, and for how long will you be apart?

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Wear condoms basically means 'get yourself another girlfriend'

 

This type of girl is what we call 'a closed castle' , she's not opening up her love to you because she's been hurt in the past, she most likely cares for you but just lives up high in the tower while you are standing downstairs,

 

If i where you id ask her to grow her goldy locks hair so you can climb up into the tower and conquer her heart.

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I thought about this for a few days. You're right she is a closed castle, to be honest, it explains a lot of her behaviour. For example, one (or two, or three) fights we had, she would say things like 'if you're sick of me, then leave,' just daring me to until I finally calmed her down and talked it out. And she never made it a secret, I just wasn't listening to her. Another time she said to me 'if you didn't talk things out with me, then I wouldn't even bother.' Again I accepted this as the person she is but I don't think it was working for me like that anymore. Sometimes it just drains me out, being in this relationship with her because deep down, I know she is ready to emotionally disconnect, leave and replace me whenever she feels like I don't play her game anymore (which is sometimes why I feel resentment for her and a little unappreciated) but then she is obviously in love with me and was fantastic with me 90% of the time. She's a perfectly sane woman in every other aspect. I am glad that I'm aware of this now, I won't bring it up now as the moment has passed and we are plodding along happily in a LD relationship, but I really think we both need to find that deeper connection where we can be 100% honest with each other and not worry that either of us will leave. At the moment, even after a year and a half, I still think 'if she doesn't appreciate me then there's plenty more girls that will' and I am very aware that she cannot handle criticism well so I try to avoid any huge conflict as that is when she starts throwing out the ultimatum again. That makes it hard to trust her with what I have to say. We can't have any real connection if that's how I'm feeling. Maybe this will be the deal breaker. For now though I'll file it away in the back of my head and just be aware of it.

 

That said, how can I really be sure she is ready to emotionally disconnect and leave me? Is she just bluffing? It could be all talk. I don't know... I think the LD is my chance to be more honest with her now because at the moment, while I do care and love her, I know we will never survive the way we were going and it's my chance to figure out what I did wrong, why it went wrong and work on myself and my life a bit before we end up living together again. I think I have become a bit soft on her and this is her way of making me man up a bit. Anyway I can only see improvement from here, and if things don't work out, the hardest part of leaving has already been done so really there is nothing left to lose from being straight up with her. Perhaps the case is that we are both saving ourselves from being hurt - the fact that I wasn't being straight up with her all that time made her back off from becoming too attached to me.

 

Anyway, thanks and appreciation to both of you for the advice.

 

To Rikka, we're about 20000km apart and the situation is permanent for now as I'm studying and she's chasing a career in London. I'm visiting this Christmas for 2 months and may go over there to live for 6 months next September. Why do you ask?

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5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting ...
5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting Your Relationship

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