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Going through the motions


KevinR
Learn English Via Listening | Begin...
Learn English Via Listening | Beginner Level | Lesson 11| Summer Vacation

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I'm sorry if this is long and nonsensical, but I need to get it all out...

 

Her and I are both 20. I'm living with her at her parents' during summer break (long story as to why, it's beyond the scope of this thread). We've been dating since high school, different schools I met her through someone at work. Anyway, after almost three years of a relationship I feel like it's time for it to be over.

 

Her and I don't share any common interests. Our types of music, favorite movies, TV shows, etcetera are all different. I'm big into current events and politics, but I can't connect with her there because she isn't. I'm also big into computer gaming, going on walks, and doing things that aren't staying-at-home-and-doing-nothing in general. None of these interests are shared. She used to act at least slightly interested in my favorite things, pretending to like some of the music I do and participate in my political conversations. But in the past few months she has flat-out stopped trying, even going so far as to blatantly tell me that she's been feigning interest all along. I've done my best to be interested in what she likes, it really hurt me when she told me she never cared. I often daydream about what being with a girl that I have something in common with would be like...

 

Another problem with this relationship is that she constantly hounds me about getting engaged. I don't want to be engaged, I feel as if I'm way too young. I'll tell her to stop, but she won't, and eventually an argument will come out of it. Then she'll stop for a month or so, then the hounding will start again. She'll mention friends of hers that are getting engaged, attempting to drop "subtle" hints...

 

Neither of us are happy. We both know it, she brings it up once in a while and to keep the peace I'll say "that's not true," which is of course a lie. I feel as if we are just going through the motions. I say "I love you" when she says the same basically only because I have to. I want to end the relationship, but I can't. The biggest reason being that I have to live with her, I have nowhere else to go until school starts again at the beginning of September. I feel horrible for doing it, but I have to delay the breakup so I have a roof over my head at least until I go back to college...

 

anyway... I don't have a specific question or anything, but I'd love general input or advice on this situation, I'm so stressed and depressed because of it all...

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stick with it and deal with it in september as long as it's not going to cause you any longterm problems. you may even change your mind. see if you guys can fix it - like seriously WORK at it till september, so if you need to break it off at least you can do so with a clean conscience. if it all fails near the start of september drop subtle hints that you wouldnt marry someone if they didnt share your interests. see how she likes it. haha (ok maybe dont do the stuff in grey, that's a bit harsh)

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You and I both know that these are not viable reasons to stay together with a person.

 

As for staying with her, are there any other options? Can you find a job? Make something work out somehow? Because if she loves you you're lying to her by saying you love her.

 

Don't do that. Come clean because the alternatives are far worse. At least by telling her you are both falling apart you and her can make the situation better.

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Her and I don't share any common interests. Our types of music, favorite movies, TV shows, etcetera are all different. I'm big into current events and politics, but I can't connect with her there because she isn't. I'm also big into computer gaming, going on walks, and doing things that aren't staying-at-home-and-doing-nothing in general. None of these interests are shared. She used to act at least slightly interested in my favorite things, pretending to like some of the music I do and participate in my political conversations. But in the past few months she has flat-out stopped trying, even going so far as to blatantly tell me that she's been feigning interest all along. I've done my best to be interested in what she likes, it really hurt me when she told me she never cared.

She wasn't being honest with you and that was not fair to you. If you started to feel that she was not being real with you call her out on it. This CAN be a deal breaker for a lot of people that their SO does not share the same interests. It is also a deal breaker for people who can't be honest upfront.

 

Another problem with this relationship is that she constantly hounds me about getting engaged. I don't want to be engaged, I feel as if I'm way too young. I'll tell her to stop, but she won't, and eventually an argument will come out of it. Then she'll stop for a month or so, then the hounding will start again. She'll mention friends of hers that are getting engaged, attempting to drop "subtle" hints...

I applaud you for your honesty that you're not ready. You are 20 and have your life ahead of you. Her excuses for getting married are ridiculous. She's treating the idea of marriage like a trend- her friends are getting engaged, so should she. Then it becomes a race to the altar before everyone. This is the WRONG reason to get married.

 

With her not being interested in the things you do and her bickering about getting married... I'm starting to get the idea that she's in love with the idea of getting married than marrying the right person. Marriage would be a BAD idea at this point for both of you. I hate to say it, but she may not even be in love with you. Something to think about.

 

My suggestion to get her to stop is to move out of there. You do have a place to go... why not with your parents? Or why not with a friend for a short time? School is just around the corner! The fact that you are living with her causes her to believe that you're wanting a serious commitment. The longer you stay, the longer this argument will keep up.

 

Bottom line: you're burned out from this relationship. You're starting to feel she may not be the kind of person you want to spend your life with. At 20, that's ok. Ultimately, you are the one who decides how to be happy. If you are not happy with this girl and have tried every other way to work things out with her, then you may want to look elsewhere.

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  • 3 weeks later...

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