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metwo
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Hi,

 

I'm not looking for attention or anything, I just wanted to try something new for a change and see if it helps.

 

I'm 25 years old, I've been "suicidal" if thats what its called, for quite a long time... Although I never have actually attempted to kill myself. I think there is like some sort of malfunction with me that I just always want to kill myself. It's not even like for any reason either...It's like a whole bunch of things... It's just like everything, all together just negatively affect me. And I think its been getting alot worse recently. It's hard to explain how I feel, and I probably won't even end up writing exactly how I'm feeling either but, I'll try. Like, LIFE just feels.. i don't know how to say it.. It's like there's this weight on my shoulders all the time... Like it's just always there in the back of my mind... I wish I was dead right now. I just want to cease to exist. I don't want to be here anymore.. It's just too much for me. I can't take it anymore.. everything makes me sick, I get these like feelings in my heart, like my "soul" or something. I feel like I have no soul. It's so hard to explain. Like recently its been like really bothering me to go out into the world and just do anything, like see anyone... I look at people and it or they disgust me, but it's not even them. It's like the nature of them... Like humans, human beings... or whatever we are.. Our Lives... It just all makes me sick. I don't want to be apart of it anymore. I mean I never have. Thats the thing.. But, I am able to live within society as a prominent member. But I don't want too.. The Idea of Living, breathing, makes me sick... I don't want to do it anymore.. And this isn't even the part about my life... I mean.. My life sucks....its just getting * * * * tier and * * * * tier... but that isn't even the half of it... If I could stay home all the time and not deal with anyone, maybe i'd be alittle happier... But, its like, when i think of humans or people, i just think of slippery slithering slimey things.. and its like... what the hell.. why am I thinking like this.... The problem is.. I can't kill myself.. Because I have people that depend on me to take care of them. And, I know that I won't... Because I can't... But I want to.. And I wish I was just dead, without consequences... When I'm really upset about something, and If I think of myself dead... It makes me feel better, and calm down...And then I get upset that the only thing that would make being dead better would be if somehow i could just actually see myself dead for like a second.. but i can't, cause i'd already be dead... I don't really know why i'm writing on here.. I'm not going to kill myself.. because I can't.. I have too many responsilities right now... but I sooooo want too... I like yearn for it... Ehh.. It's hard to explain.. But, if you read this... thanks for reading... I think I might start writing down my feelings or something cause it takes some of the like negative sting out of my heart for alittle...

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Hi there,

 

Wow.

That is powerful hun.

 

How can someone who can write such compelling emotions, doubt that they have a soul?

 

That weight on your shoulders sounds heavy hun, there are small ways to make it go away, or at least to start to lift. The first is sleep! Take some time away from the world to recuperate - make sure you're getting enough sleep. A good rest can really really help, and it sounds like you need it.

 

As for those thoughts- what is going on around you hun? and is there anything that can be changed? nothing is worth your health, at all hun, whatever the price.

 

Thats a great idea hun, writing down feelings help to 'get it out', because its all there bubbling below the surface as you found.

 

Stay strong hun,

 

*Hugs*

 

girl friend

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I hate everything.. nothing makes me happy.. I think of everything in terms of experiences, something that will make me stronger for the next time... it's like i'm a shell of a being.. like i'm here but i'm not here... i do what i do because it needs to be done not because i want to.. I have no wants at all.. Nothing disgusting bothers me... Because everything makes me disgusted.. I really don't know how to explain myself but i've been trying to.. I feel like if i can put my feelings down then something can be done about it...I dont' want to be bothered by anything... but everything bothers me.. I live my life not because I want to... but because for some reason I've put myself into positions that I can't easily get out of. I don't like being told what to do at all.. It infuriates me. I don't tolerate people putting me down, yet it happens every god damn day. I'm the nicest person in the world... only because I have to be.. otherwise I feel as though I could kill every single person i come into contact with and not feel anything about it.. i'd most likely be able to forget about it..... I do everything I can for people, to be the nicest I can be... and I always know that i'll end up just disappointing myself even more.. and i always do.. because everytime i help someone, its only because i feel like i need to help people. Maybe to make up for the demons that are most likely the cause and reason why i am the way i am.. I care about no one. What the hell is wrong with me.. I know this isn't normal... I constantly feel like i'm on the verge... Need to keep myself busy... keep doing, managing, getting by.. for what? i don't want to thats for sure.. why the * * * * was i born... it's ridiculous.. maybe some people just shouldn't have come to be.. and i'm one of them.. I know what normal is supposed to be.. and i am definitely not... I feel like I am the one holding it all together... that if i let myself slip i can easily become like someone with multiple personality disorder or schizophrenic, or have some sort of psychotic break... I feel like i'm barely hanging on by a thread, i stop myself everytime... from like.. breaking.... i can't... for some freaking reason I have to be stuck here... and i feel like i want to rip myself apart....

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Ha! I just read your sigs... That last one... That is the one and only thing that i do when i get sooo insanely upset about something... slam my head into the nearest wall and the pain goes away quickly.

 

Really? its human nature i suppose.

Whats wrong hun? You never talk about yourself. Whats going on. Help us to understand.

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Better Life

 

Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.

Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

Sleep for 7 hours.

Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

Play more games.

Read more books than you did the previous year.

Make time to practise meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.

Dream more while you are awake.

Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

Drink plenty of water.

Try to make at least three people smile each day.

Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.

Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

Realise that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

Smile and laugh more.

Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.

Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don’t compare your partner with others.

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

Forgive everyone for everything.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

GOD heals everything.

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

The best is yet to come.

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Do the right thing!

Call your family often.

Your inner most is always happy. So be happy.

Each day give something good to others.

Don’t over do. Keep your limits.

When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

Don’t be more calculative in your life for all things.

 

Remember : We can't control others only ourselves. Perception has a lot to do with it.

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*Hugs*

 

You sound lovely. Why do you hate yourself so bad?

I don't know.. I think it's probably because I'm a good person on the outside, but I'm evil on the inside... maybe not so much evil... more like... just rotten....
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I do most of these things but they bring me no joy. It's not that i can't find the happiness in life... its that life existing makes me miserable and sick... i don't want to enjoy life... i feel like i just need to take care of responsibilities... ehh.. hard to explain...

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Are you doing anything for yourself? For your happiness/ because it sounds like you are taking care of others or you have a lot of people depending on you. What is it that you enjoy doing? What would you like to do? What thoughts bring you happiness?

 

 

Are you so nice , that people walk all over you? Do you stand your ground when you have to? Do people appreciate what you do for them? Otherwise life is stressfull.

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yeah i was going to say... i feel like i'm very intuitive to people now, since i hate them so much, i feel like i can see right through them, and i like know who they are very quickly...

 

People are basically good. they just have a knack of hiding it.

"If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will."

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a way I feel just like you...difference is that i feel angry...all the time......I am suronded by a milion people eyes and i still feel alone...is like I belong nowhere I have a roof over my head...but I feel like I am homeless....I have a mom who care about me....But i still feel like I am alone in this world....

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I think we all go through some of those emotions, probably not as much as you, but they're there. I see people all the time that disgust me. This world is full of disgusting people, but you can't let that bring you down.That's their problem! I know life can be a drag sometimes, but that's life. You have to take the good with the bad. Try to think positive and realize that life will get better. We all go through slumps. I'm going through mine right now, but I keep telling myself, "it'll pass". I lost my brother a few years ago. That was hell and still is so very hard, but it has made me appreciate so much, so much more. Life really is so fragile. One screw up and it's over. I just try to think positive when things get rough. That's really all you can do.

 

Have you ever gone to talk to a psychologist. No matter what anyone says, it really does help. To let it out is good. Maybe writing out your thoughts. It will help you let it out.

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