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Will we ever get this together ..... ?

Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Hello everyone


I'll try and keep this short.


I met a girl in 1997. We hit it off straight away. We flirted for 5 years during which time we both had either a GF or BF ... we slept together once during those five years.


We finally got together properly in 2004 even though we lived in different cites and had an amazingly passionate time. We went away for weekends, travelled up and down the country to see one another, did the little things, flew to New York for a week and had a very romantic trip.


I ended it after 6 months due to distance, insecurity after my previous relationship and generally being immature (at 32). We did not contact one another. I was devastated but was told by a friend not to disrespect her by calling her and asking for her back. So I moved on and after a few rebounds thought I'd found the right girl. We moved into together and had twin boys.


My ex apparently rebounded with a new guy after 3 months of us splitting up and has been with him ever since. I know this because in 2007 she got back in touch with me through Facebook. She'd had a daughter with him (who is now two) and engaged to the father.


My GF and I were having a very rough patch with the stress of new babies and a new home etc. She got post natal depression and was very harsh to me. Eventually my GF said she wanted to end it and moved out taking the children with her.


Not long after in November last year I met up with my ex from many years ago. We hit it off straight away ... it was great. Whilst she was bright and breezy, there were pointers that she was not happy in her relatonship ... "He doesn't like me seeing my friends", "When we argue .." etc.


We continued to email and the odd text etc. And at Christmas she texted and then called in tears saying that her little girl was a "Daddy's Girl" and she was finding it difficult etc.


In the New Year she got in contact and asked if I'd like to meet ... the day before Valentines. I drove her out to the countryside and we went to a nice reasturant and talked for a couple of hours. Again she gave subtle pointers that life wasn't the best for her and when I asked her if she was happy she said "yes ... but what really is happy?"


By now I was feeling very strongly for her and felt like I was lying to her by being "a friend". After a couple of weeks or so of more emails and a mixtape of music I thought she might like (!) I emailed and told her how I felt ... that she had always been in my heart and that I had to tell her this. At first she was shocked, then emailed to say she'd waited 11 years to hear me say these things ... and then a angry ... telling me she was engaged and that we shouldnt speak again.


The very next day she got in contact saying she'd been stupid, had been up all night thinking about me and could we still be friends. Which is exactly what we have tried to do ... but of course it's impossible.


We both feel so strongly and we have met up on a couple of occasions to talk about our feelings. We email all the time and send silly gifts to one another. We both admit that we wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the other person. TBH it's everything you'd expect from two people who are in love with one another.


On several occasions I have tried to stop contact as I felt that maybe she was just enjoying the attention. But every time she comes back after a week or so telling me that she has told her fiance that she is unhappy/not sure she loves him /that perhaps they should split up/hat maybe he should move out ... and I know for a fact that she is being truthful to me when she says this.


Over time my ex with whom I have two twin boys has been wanting to get back together. I am not in love with her like I used to be for many reasons and the added problem of the long term ex confuses the situation even more. None the less we have agreed to give it a go for the sake of the boys (they are 19 months old).


Last weekend the one I love called and asked to come round to mine. She's had a drink and it was obvious what she was after. But a friend convinced her not to come round.


We spoke during the week and I explained I was going to give it a go with the twins Mum.


Then today the one I love came to my flat and we talked our normal talk about one another ... and we kissed for the first time in years. It was great. But she said there was no way that either of us could get together because of our children. She said that if it wasn't for her daughter then no doubt about it, "150%", we would be together if that's what I wanted. But she said that "it's not just about her".


So that's it really. We agreed to delete each other of Facebook (as it was getting obsessive on both sides), not contact each other (which she seemed very sad about) and try and make our relationships work for our resective children.


My question is this .... is it really over ...? Can we really feel this way and just forget about it? Can we really stay together with people that we don;t really want to be with just for the sake of our children?


I fear this isn't going to go away ..... and that we'll both be in limbo for years to come.



Really ... any advice or help would be a bonus to me right now!



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I remarried my ex husband to make a whole family again. But it didn't work out because deep down we had the same dynamic as we always did. So, what has changed to make it possible for you and the mother of your children to stay together this time?


And no, I don't think it will work when your heart belongs to another.

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I sympathise, this is a really difficult situation for you.


I can only echo the previous poster. If the issues that caused the breakup last time are still there then rekindling things with your ex wife is a non-starter.


I think if my heart was with someone else, that is where I'd choose to be regardless of the damage it could potentially cause. You could probably be unhappy for the rest of your life if you went back to your ex wife and end up rejecting her anyway.


A couple I know (friends of a friend) have three children and are only staying together until the children have left home, after which point they have agreed to go their separate ways. They have fallen out of love with one another. Personally I don't think I could do that but sometimes you have to make sacrifices in life.

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Thanks for the replies.


The problem I'm finding is that I owe it to my boys to try and make it work with their Mum ... but really I want my long term ex.


If my long term ex (who seems herself to be in a relationship in which she is unhappy, bored, feeling disrespected in) was brave enough and also didnt feel she had to sacrifice her happiness for her daughter (which I do understand ... even if I don't totally believe its totally the right thing to do)


My long term ex sent me a short email last night telling me how empty she felt and that she thought she'd feel ok about everything but she doesn't.


I do worry that she is just enjoying the attention as it seems she gets nothing but grief at home. I hope not as my feelings are true as can be given our situations.


It's all very confusing and difficult to get through.

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