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She broke up with me (long story), put the communication ball in my court...


JEastern
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Hey everyone,

 

I've been searching for some answers to my situation and stumbled accross this site so I thought I'd explain it all here for some advice. It's a long story, so bear with me.

 

Back in the winter, I met this girl who is slightly older then I am (I'm 25, she's 31) in a social group with common friends. We started hanging out one-on-one and after a few weeks, I started developing feelings for her. I didn't want to complicate things with the group of friends, so I tried to brush it off and see if the feelings would pass. We spent a whole day together after I got back from a vacation and that's when the mutual attraction feelings came into the picture; we kissed and things became different. A week later, she called me up and told me "we need to talk" and proceeded to say how she can't give everything it takes to a relationship right now. Her last relationship had just ended a few months prior, it was intense and it really made her re-evaluate a lot of her own self. I asked her if it was about seeing other people and she told me "it's not about that at all". She told me that she really wants to still hang out.

 

The next few weeks went a long, we hung out a few times, and each time was like another date; we went out for dinner, held hands, kissed, etc. It got to the point, however, that she started to act a little distant, so I called her to meet up with me so we could talk. I asked her what the deal was, and she told me that she has to stick to what she said...she doesn't want a relationship right now and wants to just get dating out of her system for the summer. I told her that in the best interest of our friendship, we should just be friends and nothing more. She really appreciated the talk, told me it says a lot about me and how important it is.

 

A few weeks went by, she got back from a family vacation, and we arranged to meet and spend the afternoon walking around the city. We had a great platonic time, talked a lot, joked, laughed, there was some flirting, but I did my best to put it out of my mind. Later on in the afternoon, she asked me if I'd like to take swing dancing lessons with her. I agreed, but was skeptical about her intentions. The next week, we went to try the class, had a great time, and afterwards, had ice cream in the park. During that time, she brought up the subject of us and told me that she did a lot of thinking while she was away and didn't want to date around. She said she was very intrigued by me but wasn't ready for a relationship. We continued to talk about things and by the end of the evening, we were kissing, she was laying accross my lap, and all the signs were there that she wanted to be with me.

 

From that point on, we hung out A LOT. Did a lot of adventurous activities around the city, spent some evenings cooking. I met a lot of her friends, got familiar with them. Just a few weeks ago, we went to the shore for the day, started off with bike riding, hung out at the beach for the afternoon, and had a nice dinner before heading back. If anyone saw us on the street, they'd say "those two are in love with eachother". We got back to her place at midnight after a 1.5 hour drive and she didn't invite me to stay, she said she needs a good night sleep and sent me on a 25 minute drive back to my place. Two days later, I met up with her for lunch at her work for a very awkward lunch...that evening, she called me up "we need to talk".

 

She told me the same thing as she had before, but I was blindsided by it. I felt used. I told her I didn't want to do this over the phone, so we arranged to meet the day after. She sent me an email late that night saying "I really like you, which makes this hard for me right now". I talked to a friend about it and she ended up telling me some information I didn't know. This guy who had been pursuing her took her out on a date the day before we had our first "we need to talk"...this same guy surprised her at the airport when she came back from her vacation and drove her home. She had told me in an email that she was just going to take a cab home, and the following week, I asked her how the cab ride was and she told me "it was just a cab ride, nothing special". I felt so lied to, my head was spinning.

 

We ended up having the in-person talk, and I told her I knew about this other guy and that I felt lied to. She didn't know what to say, she said she was sorry and that he showed up unannounced and it creeped her out. We ended the long conversation by her saying, "I want to hang out with you but I know this is going to take time, so when you're ready, let me know and we can get some ice cream or something".

 

Now here I am, I don't know what to do. I'm following the no-contact rule but I find myself wanting to make contact. I know that if she likes me the way she said, she'd make contact, but she put the ball in my court. I know she lied to me and that really hurts, but we have mutual friends and a chemistry, so I'd like to be able to be friends with her at some point.

 

What do you all think?

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Thank you for the responses. It's not that I'd even want to date her, I'd like to be friends though...and leave it there since we have these common friends. I'm still not even sure how I feel about that...friends don't lie to friends. I don't know how cool I'd be getting ice cream with her at this moment, but I'd like her to know that I think we can be friends in time. She told me that she enjoys the time we spend together and wants to hang out. Should I believe her? Part of me does...

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maybe you should not talk to her for a few months. i think that will give you the time to let the emotions die down and let the dust settle. you don't have to decide today if you ever want to get ice cream with her again. just give it some time and see how you feel, if it's worth keeping her around or not.

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annie, there are plenty of emotions that need time to cool down, that's for certain. I guess my feelings are towards the person I thought she was. I'm curious if her putting the communication ball in my court is basically her way of saying that she's ok with either being friends or not talking again...is it possible she's that disconnected from this? I haven't heard from her since the in-person talk almost two weeks ago.

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my hunch is that she's been too busy with the new guy. i'm sure she'll pop back into your life when things with him go sour.

 

 

Agree. Certain people don't like to cut ties...'just in case'. Do you want to be with someone like that? It's really insulting, eventually. I know from personal experience! I'm sorry you feel used, that's a painful thing. It will pass for sure. HUG.

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From what I know, she's hasn't pursued anything with this other guy. My friend is friends with him and told me so. When I told her I knew about it, she told me that he's not her type. If there is another guy, it's someone I'm not aware of. What's bothering me is that she might be waiting on me to make contact. What if she really wants to be friends with me? As much as this all stings, deep down I'd like to be on good terms with her...we were friends before all this, I think we can be friends after all this. Is this a good point of view, or just wishful thinking?

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From what I know, she's hasn't pursued anything with this other guy. My friend is friends with him and told me so. When I told her I knew about it, she told me that he's not her type. If there is another guy, it's someone I'm not aware of. What's bothering me is that she might be waiting on me to make contact. What if she really wants to be friends with me? As much as this all stings, deep down I'd like to be on good terms with her...we were friends before all this, I think we can be friends after all this. Is this a good point of view, or just wishful thinking?

 

If you re-read Annie's post, and then read mine, and take some time to think about them...wishful thinking is just that. Unfortunately it does not sound as though she has any respect. We teach people how to treat us. I just don't get the impression that 'friendship' is what you are truly seeking from her.

 

I know, I know - BELIEVE ME, I know - about 'what if?' thinking. Please do not fret. Apparently she isn't. And please begin to focus on what you deserve and need because you are worth more than this type of behavior and treatment.

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I just don't get the impression that 'friendship' is what you are truly seeking from her.

 

Thanks MCR, it's a process but it'll get easier over time. The 'what if' thinking always seems to get in the way sometimes! At this point, I can't trust her at all in a relationship setting, I've learned my lesson from that. I think we can work towards friends though. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

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