LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ok guys, i have been reading this forum for literally years as my sisters have user accounts etc... so im sorry for just demanding an answer but please help me This may look long cos im gonna copy n paste everything. The rundown is this. broke up after 3 years. i moved away. we were single for 1 year - and i had even had a whole relationship in that time. then... he comes to me and confesses his undying love. Seriously. like talking about what an idiot he had been for nearly losing me. Saying we are meant to be together ... no like when someone says all that after THEY dumped YOU a whole year ago, u kinda listen. So i heard all this, was sceptical for a LONG time. then i just gave in and we were an item again. long distance mind u, but he was buying me a ticket over there so we could move in together .... All 100% .... cos i know im leaving my country right, ive been rather moody on msn, our main source of convo, but whatever. Im trying to pull work strings together, sell car do this do that and im stressed. So ya. I have been a bit difficult over the past month. fK it. Leave me alone i got lots to sort out Im allowed to be moody right - im leaving my everything to be with him .. ?? YES there are trust issues. he broke my heart once. so i can get overly quizzy - but its all online - difficult circumstances. we have maintained a relatively good relationship online for 6 FKING months. thats pretty good. Anyway its not the point. when he Begged for me back, even though he dumped me - i was very careful. took me ages to 'let go' and then i did. Now Tuesday comes round and i sense somethings off. I had shat on him for not calling me (sunday) when he said he would call me - he was out drunk and forgot. anyway. i told him off for this. but then Tuesday arrives and its all swung. he tells me he is not sure anymore about us... that he has some issues we need to discuss. This guy was booking my flights and everything! * * * So he tells me he will write me an email on Wed. Wed comes ... oh, he cant talk about it cos he has a sports match, will talk after the match. After the match, he's tired, had a couple of beers after needs bed. Thursday comes, he goes out for a friends birthday says we will talk later. I am online when he gets home and he sees my new hair colour pics on facebook. (please understand we have tried to maintain a sexual relationship online too - naughty talk etc - thats how great we were! ) ... So he sees my pics and decides to have a wnk - which he openly tells me cos thats what we are like - healthy ... but he avoids the whole serious talk when i ask... he just says, ''dont worry about it babe, its just talk'' so i chill - a bit. Friday morning comes i have a message from him saying ''couldnt sleep will try sort our differences tonight, please dont hate me'' now i dont like the please dont hate me bit. sounds like something real crap is about to happen... I reply and said i dont hate him, i hate the way he handles situations.. bla bla bla. He gets home from work. But now is off to town to see a friend. so of course no talk. And this is where, all i will do is copy and paste ....... FK SAKE me - ''hey babe how long will u be in town really wannt get our talk over with now '' him - ''not sure. just at bestfriendsname'' me ''hey im just over the road visiting a friend let me knw when u home, how long you recon you will be '' him ''just having a few drinks. these 2 having a domestic as per usuall. lol x '' me ''ok babe ive had dinner now, so i can be home any time now want to sort stuff out with you so we can both have a nice weekend. will u b home soon? '' him ''soon. just enjoy your night. im having a couple of drinks. x ''' me '' cool no problem, just as long as we sort stuff out tonight babe. this talk has been prolonged long enough now, will be all smiles once its all figured out '' him ''we getting pizza'' Now ..... 3 hours later..... i text. ask what the hell is happening we need to talk, its now after midnight.... he says ''im home'' heres the convo ... LovesWar Says hey did u just get home now then And Him yip[ LovesWar Says cool what u do LovesWar Says how ur new trainers And Him sat in xxx n drank beer And Him and pizza LovesWar Says ive never drank pizza b4 must try it ... maybe its a jersey thing And Him a LovesWar Says so babe LovesWar Says lets cut to the chase LovesWar Says whats these issues And Him babes not now i need to go bed LovesWar Says no babe LovesWar Says lets just sort something out here LovesWar Says cos... you have made me wait long enough and promised LovesWar Says emails for 4 days now And Him i gotta get up for the boat And Him and im drunk LovesWar Says its not fair for me LovesWar Says so tell me the jist of it all LovesWar Says i would appreciate it LovesWar Says cos ur actually making me stress for nothing And Him i just dont like the way you are being with me LovesWar Says i know - i tried to explain LovesWar Says i been under stress myself. And Him but your explaination had nothing to do with anything LovesWar Says ok And Him i will explain, not now, i need my bed LovesWar Says just say it in a sentence LovesWar Says ur such a bloody clever guy LovesWar Says im sure u can LovesWar Says and yes... my explanation did. i am under pressure - and therefore im not the best of people right now. in general full stop. LovesWar Says if u gave a * * * * at all about me. you would atleast talk to me. it dont have to be forever. just a 15 min chat babe. gosh. And Him its quite simple And Him i dont think we are going to work And Him becasue you are being the person that i dont want you to be And Him i need to explain this in more detail And Him its to hard on here And Him so i will write an email LovesWar Says babe. i am not the nicesst of peeps right now LovesWar Says i know that LovesWar Says but u cant judge me over msn And Him ok i wont LovesWar Says because that would be silly LovesWar Says so, all i need right now is to just finish my * * * * . get my money and come over LovesWar Says if we are under strain i will forget the money, cos that isnt important to me. and il just come over straight away And Him cool And Him im gong to bed LovesWar Says are u stil going to buy my ticket LovesWar Says cos im gonna book it tomorrow> And Him no LovesWar Says why And Him cos i dont want to book it tomorrow im in france LovesWar Says no i will provisionally book it And Him no, we wil l do it together LovesWar Says ok when And Him whenever LovesWar Says not whenever needs to be soon And Him ok And Him soon whenever LovesWar Says are u trying to be nasty to me right now LovesWar Says cos i dont think ive done anything And Him no m gogint to bed LovesWar Says babe do u love me And Him yup LovesWar Says so why are u doing this to me And Him im going to bed LovesWar Says u are acting like all is fine while making me feel like i must expect a lecture And Him no im liturally going to bed LovesWar Says ys LovesWar Says but u have done that all week LovesWar Says everyday u have said u are going 2 talk to me and every day u have just gone to bed And Him i need to LovesWar Says so what on earth is up And Him sorry LovesWar Says well And Him i just told you LovesWar Says obviously our talk wasnt that important to you And Him i will write it all down in an email when i get time LovesWar Says cos u chose to go get drunk instead of sort stuff out why would u do that LovesWar Says what is ur email going to say And Him omg LovesWar Says are you breaking up with me in ur email? And Him you will see im not writing it now And Him night night xxxxxxxxxx LovesWar Says breaking up? And Him no niht night x And Him x LovesWar Says why u doing this to me And Him what!? im gogint i bed LovesWar Says ur acting so cold and hard! like u dont care! And Him i dont care, im going to bed LovesWar Says please stop it its hurting me And Him night x x x x x LovesWar Says babe LovesWar says: u making me cry And Him look ive been telling you im going to bed for half an hour! And Him and your SIMPLY ignoring it! LovesWar Says no 5 minutes And Him good night LovesWar Says u also said we would talk LovesWar Says 2night - do u want 2 break up with me And Him i do if i cant go to bed LovesWar Says 4get bed. generally And Him i dont know LovesWar Says so who have u met then what is the issue just spit it out! And Him ffs And Him night I dont want to writh any more cos that seems like a lot sorry - am i in the wrong here ??? Link to comment
unhealthy2bme Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 He doesn't sound ready, and he's avoiding the whole situation. It sounds like he's regretting what he's done... He might also feel pressured, which is making him appear cold. Wait things out. It sounds hard to do, but he needs to clear his head. You can't smith cold steel. Everything will work out for the best, hang in there! Link to comment
Lisc949 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 I've been in a relationship like this before..for almost 2 years! He was so hot and cold and could never make up his mind. He also never wanted to talk out our issues, it was heart breaking! I think you should give him some space. Let him come to you. Link to comment
Under_fire Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ill sum it up in a quick sentence... No your really not...he was ducking you and being a * * * * * about you finally confronting him about it. I wish you the best. Link to comment
Scaredy-Cat Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Eek! It sounds like he is ducking the issues (not that he has told you really what they are). Set a time in your head for him to spill the beans, and if he hasn't, I'd start backing away. Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 OMg - Im freaking out here. cos guys. i was soooooo careful. him and i had had an up/down relationship for atleas a year b4 it finally ended. A WHOLE year later, trust me... i was sooooo careful. when he came crawling.... He was telling me how he needs to find a place to move into soonish, and would like me to be there so we can find a place together. he told me he wants to have kids with me ... all this stuff ... and i kept it cool. but his efforts continued, till he was sending me gifts in the post ... so i gave in. i believed he meant it all. And the one text message he sent today said this - exact - '' well im not 100% sure i want to b with you. And your saying your leaving everything bhind 2 come over! All this pressure on me! We were suppose to be taking things slow. you were suppose to be here in july, but u have prolonged it to sept and changed the way you are! Im just having big doubts about the whole thing! '' It was him begging me to book my flight and me telling him just 2 weeks ago that i would TRY. .. . and for him to stop pressuring ME! it was him who asked me to move in with him. it was him who asked me to go to a concert in Sep ... then he throws it at me and says ... were suppose to b taking things slow .... im so fkd up right now i dont know what to think. hes acting like a cold bstrd. i swear to gd he is mental. either that or i am. 8 days ago. 8 DAYS AGO if i hadnt replied to a message of his, he would phone to see if anything was wrong. now this. and me moaning about him not calling when he said he would is what seem to have triggered it all. i think im going in sane Link to comment
Scaredy-Cat Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 It sounds like something has triggered this. He could have simply realised what you are giving up to be with him, on the other hand he could be playing a really cruel game. If you can pin him down long enough to talk, you could ask him what he wants from your relationship and gently remind him that he was the one who initiated getting back together and your move. From the messages, he sounded a bit drunk and off-hand. Link to comment
Lisc949 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better!! Is he bipolar? He is so hot and cold like my ex. One day he was telling me he wanted to be with me and then the next he wanted nothing to do with me. My life is so much less stressful without him! Link to comment
unhealthy2bme Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 I don't believe he is trying to be cruel. It sounds like he feels that if he ignores the situation it will go away, and things will go back the way they were. Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 OMG - Thanks guys i really appreciate all of this Ive been going crazy acting all happy at a family function tonight -EVERYONE talking about how im going back to him ... Lisc949 - I think that all the time! Bipolar! Then i just think im scruwed and am making up excuses for him. But it has occurred to me. It seems like anytime there is any pressure - or any doubts he threatens a break-up if i dont concur .... Look i wont lie. Whilst we have been together over the last 6 months. I have not been a doormat. no way, not after being dumped b4. Ive been harsh. I've been stern, but i havent been unreasonable. Maybe irritating - but - not unreasonable. The main things ive gone off on ... he tells me he's going for a drive with a friends. i then come to know it was just a single girl he went with. this girl was his best friends girlfriend - who had just been diagnosed with *something* personality disorder ... she needed a friend. bla bla bla So i did the whole ' * * * - why cant she cry on her bfriends shoulder etc, why you and IS IT NOT weird TO BE GOING FOR A DRIVE ALONE WITH UR BEST FRIENDS GIRLFRIEND .... .'' noooo - apparently i was weird. we fought about that.... whatever. then ... he went for a weekend away with mates. great. i had asked who he was going with and there were like 15 names.... lots of peeps. he'd gotten a bit wasted on a friday and was dying all sat... so i called him. only to hear a womans voice. lol. so of course i freak out on him. turns out it was a friend (who i know of so i know it is indeed a friend) but still - the fact he didnt tell me he was staying in an apartment wit boy 1 boy 2 and GIRL irritated me. According to him i was being pathetic cos he didnt find it an issue. my issue was... he claimed he didnt know who was going to b staying in his appartment seeing as so many peeps were going. i say BULLsht. So we argued bout that.... of course... i end up apologising. Third... things like him just going on benders. He says, hey wer're going to france for xxx birthday. im like 'great u gonna get smashed again and not bother 2 contact me' he then goes off on one. SEEE YOU DONT HAVE ANY FAIT IN ME. WHY U PUT ME DOWN... etc. THEN THE NIGHT ARRIVES... and he FORGETS to contact me, when he says he will - even after ive made it blatently clear that i hope he doesnt! ! ! ! then tells me im a moaner! Doo i need a shrink? Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 I don't believe he is trying to be cruel. It sounds like he feels that if he ignores the situation it will go away, and things will go back the way they were. Is this normal though??? Am i suppose to accept this behaviour? Sorry i just dont get it. how on earth can an original DUMPER ever do this to their ex - an entire YEAR later. He has promised me the world - booked this - planned that, and now... all of a sardine, he is acting like an ABSOLUTE stranger. Except when he is having a wnk. then he tells me how great i am ... Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Oh - by the way cos im sure this is important .. im 29 in october.... he is 26 in Dec. x Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 I've been in a relationship like this before..for almost 2 years! He was so hot and cold and could never make up his mind. He also never wanted to talk out our issues, it was heart breaking! I think you should give him some space. Let him come to you. it is heartbreaking...isn't it. my perspective's on the other side of the fence. i was mr. hot and cold-no-nothing's-wrong-don't-wanna-talk-about-it guy. thoroughly hot...then thoroughly cold. comes down to breaking patterns. if there are signs of the old patterns...he hasn't looked within...and the patterns will continue to manifest. he won't set out to hurt you...but it won't matter. he left you in the first place...so it's not likely that he was stuck in a place of suffering. suffering tends to be the one true motivator to inspire a transformation. cheers. Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Really? a bit drunk but .... why ive been sitting around in fear while he's been partying - or drinking with friends. he even goes as far as to send a text 'enjoy ur night' with the above convo ... When im sad or have something real serious to talk about ... i want to sort it out! does this just confirm that he DOES NOT CARE and cannot be bothered with me...?? Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 90 hour sleep - if thats you in that pic (do not judge me im from far away .. well i think i could get over this all... but lets get back to reality shall we.... Sugar - that was sooo.... difficult to read. Nooo. he was though. Dumpers dont go back to the people they dumped a whole year and a bit later... CONFESS their real love etc and start sending loads of gifts ... they dont ... somethings up! Link to comment
Scaredy-Cat Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Sweetie - don't stress out so much. I know you can't help it, but you do need to close your eyes and take a deep breath. Why not show him what he is missing out on? Let him go and do his thing this weekend, don't chase after him and concentrate on looking after you. I would not be surprised if he wondered what was going on and made an effort. Then he will be greeted by the cool, calm and altogether you... that will centre his attention! Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ok sorry. Im slurring my sentances. Apologies all round. 90 hour sleep - ur profile pic is a spitting image of my man so ... be ware lol. General Look - i love him i really really do. but he is driving me towards hate. how can he sit there and tell me ''oh we need to talk if we cant sort these issues we aint gonna work'' and then go partying for 4 nights in a row ???? mmmm And prior to such a sentance ... he was sending me gifts in the post... weekly ... * * * ! Link to comment
bronte Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Sweetie - don't stress out so much. I know you can't help it, but you do need to close your eyes and take a deep breath. Why not show him what he is missing out on? Let him go and do his thing this weekend, don't chase after him and concentrate on looking after you. I would not be surprised if he wondered what was going on and made an effort. Then he will be greeted by the cool, calm and altogether you... that will centre his attention! I agree with this, but would also add, don't have major relationship conversations over text! That is almost always a recipe for disaster because you miss tone and inflection. You probably shouldn't have tried to pressure him into confirming he would buy the ticket immediately after he told you he was having doubts about the relationship, though I understand why you did it. I would ask him when he's willing to have an actual PHONE conversation about your relationship, no texts, no e-mails. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 and this is a prime example of a convo that should have happened over the phone. He was drunk, you should not want to have any kinda relationship discussion when someone is drunk. I read him trying to avoid talking while drunk, but you pushing the matter. My ex did that too me. Big factor why I left. Cant always have your way, and you will nevr get your way when someone is drunk Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ok thanks everyone. I know I probably annoyed him and pressured him but i snapped. he has been building this up for ages now. I know we wont speak today as he has a birthday to attend and I know we wont speak on sunday bcos he will be nursing a hangover. That pushes things to monday. He says he has doubts and that we need to sort out some issues. if we cant sort them out we wont work out. But, he has to email me. Now what I want to know is, would someone drag a breakup up this long .... (cos thats just disgusting) or does he want to sort things out? If he wanted to end things would he have done it by now? If this email is explaining why we need to end things i will seriously angry. Ive already said if its to do with ending things, i dont need an email. ? Thnx Link to comment
bronte Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Wow. Honestly I would be tempted to take the decision out of his hands and break up with him, because it is ridiculous that he won't talk to you after telling you that he's unhappy. Do you really want to move your entire life somewhere else for a guy who thinks going out and drinking (on multiple nights) is more important than talking to you when he knows you're upset? When he knows he's the CAUSE of you being upset? He's trusting that you will be willing to sit around and wait for him to feel like talking to you--it's very disrespectful and I don't think you should tolerate it. Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Yes I know, I'm tempted too but I just cant do it. I may just vanish for a week or something. It is disrespectful I know. But he's saying things like 'just enjoy your night' - yeah right - but thats when i think, ok, maybe Im over-reacting? Maybe he has some issues he wants to discuss, that need to be fixed as they are causing doubts, but thats all - i must chill out. When I try make this logical - the conclusion is im over-stressing about something. I did send him a text message after that msn convo last night that said ''i dont deserve to be treated like this. you obviously dont care about how i feel at all. I would never do this 2 u. ur either getting pleasure out of hurting me or dont give a S**t at all. thanks babe.'' No reply he was drunk and had hit the sack. But i havent heard from him today either. Now i really want to write up an email - But im at a point where i dont know if i should send him a text and act like all is normal, like he's been doing throughout these few days ... something like ''hey hope ur enjoying ur birthday trip, have a drink on me '' Or what? Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Please try to sort them out over the phone, not text or email. Context of meaning often gets lost in print. I learned that the hard way Link to comment
bronte Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 The thing is, if the issues are "minor" and you don't need to be freaking out, that's all the MORE reason he should go ahead and talk to you about them. You've made it clear to him that you are expecting really bad news, so he should be eager to put your mind at ease if that's not what he's planning. He doesn't want to be bothered by you being emotional when he's out trying to have fun, so he's pretending that it's possible for you both to have fun, relaxed evenings tonight. If you send him a "normal" response telling him to have fun, you're allowing him to tell himself that his behavior is not actually hurting you that much. It's your decision, but again, I would be insisting that he name a specific time to talk to me on the phone, or I would be ending the relationship myself. Link to comment
LovesWar Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 I dont think thats an option ... He cannot speak of his feelings very well at all. The last time we had some issues to deal with - which basically made me 100 percent sure and convinced of us - as he spoke of how he was an idiot to nearly have lost me, blah blah blah, im the best thing thats happened to him, we are near perfect etc. . . we discussed out issues through email. MSN didnt work cos its too easy to be interupted ... so i emailed him. he would then put his say under the paragraphs id written type thing ... and this would carry on till there was an email with like lots of colors of writing ... and we sorted things! Got everything out and we both felt happy. I am assuming we are to do the same thing ... Unless of course he throws me a 'i dont want a relationship - i want to be single' line. Link to comment
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