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Not sure what to do


Anonybrit

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Recently, due to a lapse in judgement I embarrassed my girlfriend on an online community she frequents. I meant well and was actually trying to compliment her, but she hated it and it backfired. It's normal for her to be angry, I slipped up, but the second the enraged texts started coming through something happened..

 

We had had about 3 or 4 months of relative peace and love in our relationship, after one and a half years of frequent fights that became more and more huge every time. Around April-June this year they became absolutely extreme, screaming and insulting each other, saying things you can never forget.

 

The second she started raging at me over this I felt all the memories of those events flood back to me. We never ever talked properly about 90% of the things she did that upset me, it would never be put in it's place and gotten over. We had been stable recently because we had talked over our "relationship in general" and she had agree din principle to generally be less argumentative and more considerate, but it turns out all those individual events are still loose ends for me because none of them have been specifically addressed, they are always brushed over at the time in order for us to simply stop arguing.

 

One example is when I took her abroad for a surprise holiday for her birthday and in the evening in a bar she randomly told me I was being quiet - I hadn't managed to sleep at all the night before because I was anxious that all my plans for the trip would run ok, so I was absolutely exhausted so if I was quiet it was because I momentarily let me fatigue get the better of me at 10pm.

 

Anyway, because this was her birthday and I was supposed to be giving her an amazing time this kind of upset me, made me feel really self-conscious, and I thought it was really unfair. I told her that she had upset me and rather than just reassuring me she got angry with me for being upset, we had a row, she blanked me for an hour and I had to basically drag her home so I could get out of the bar and literally cry my eyes out at how depressed the relationship made me by reverting to misery even when I try my hardest.

 

That night we didn't resolve the issue and it was never mentioned again since. I would be afraid to bring it up because all it would do is cause an argument.

 

Imagine that event and multiply it by about 100, that is what my time with her for the past 2 years has been littered with and now, whatever happens, even when we are on perfect terms, the slightest hiccup sends me spiraling out of love with her, makes me miserable and just want to restart my life.

 

I have dumped her and explained why although it must seem convoluted to her as she hasn't really done anything wrong recently, but all the same she hasn't said anything to make me feel differently.

 

I just don't know what to do, I really want to leave her permanently because it feels like the trade off between the good and the bad isn't worth it even though i love her and the good is so brilliant - but as always she gives no specific input, she doesn't seem to really be able to grasp what my problem is, and it feels like I am leaving someone that doesn't really understand why and so there might be a chance if she did understand that things could change.

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Recently, due to a lapse in judgement I embarrassed my girlfriend on an online community she frequents. I meant well and was actually trying to compliment her, but she hated it and it backfired. It's normal for her to be angry, I slipped up, but the second the enraged texts started coming through something happened..

.

 

from reading that ive gotten the impression she is somewhat ungrateful.

 

If the relationship is making you unhappy, depressed, its not worth continuing. You dont need a girlfriend who is causing you to be this upset. Have you really sat her down and told her? or does she kind of blow you off?

 

The part i bolded above, 'normal for her to be angry'.... is she angry all the time? It shouldn't be normal for anyone to be angry. This seems to be happening for quite some time and it hasn't gotten better, do you honestly think it will?

 

You may love her alot, but look what its doing to you and it doesn't seem like she cares. Is she aware that she is like this?

 

To blow you off for an hour after you took her abroad for a birthday present is totally unbelieveable.

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This situation sucks - it really really does. As somebody who can relate in many many ways (with the arguing, the anger from the gf, the lack of resolution for your problems), my suggestion is to unfortunately get out while you can. My guess is your problems never get resolved, but you are both very careful to make sure that if she has an issue, it's always discussed and properly taken care of, right?

 

There are much better people out there - people who are willing to understand both sides of an argument, and girls who don't blow up like a bomb if you even mention something is bothering you. That's no way to go through a relationship. Break-ups aren't fun, and you have to be good about it, but trust me man, you'll be so much happier in the long run.

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Im actually rather shocked girls actually treat the person they love like this... im aware they do exist , but i could NEVER in a million years speak to my boyfriend like this or treat him this way.....

 

iknow people can annoy you, piss you off, get on your nerves, but man....... no wonder some guys are affraid of girls....

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The problem is she doesn't think she is a bad person and she is not malicious, the narrative of life she weaves around her makes all the issues I have with her seem subtle and unimportant.

 

I am also quite sensitive to certain kinds of behavior: I don't mind at all people have tantrums now and again, that's ok with me, but everyday life better reflect your true feelings. I honestly go out of my way to avoid any kind of friction at all in day to day life. I will back down, be playful, let things go in every day conversation because as far as I'm concerned if you're going to have a strop or getting angry there has to be a really good reason for it.

 

But she has strops all the time, all the time. I know this is quite normal, particularly with certain kinds of women, but it really jars with me. That leads to little things that build up and up and become huge things which has triggered at least two GARGANTUAN fights between us - but the problem is I look like the crazy one getting so worked up about what on paper looks trivial.

 

And yes then there are things like that night on holiday, things i just can't understand. As a rule she reacts badly to me being upset about anything, she cannot handle it at all, she will either rage at me for it or get depressed about it whereby the focus is now on my cheering her up or she'll revert to anger.

 

^ I know that all sounds like a textbook list of reasons to leave someone but it's all woven so subtly into our every day life and when things aren't going downhill, they're really good.

 

This situation sucks - it really really does. As somebody who can relate in many many ways (with the arguing, the anger from the gf, the lack of resolution for your problems), my suggestion is to unfortunately get out while you can. My guess is your problems never get resolved, but you are both very careful to make sure that if she has an issue, it's always discussed and properly taken care of, right?

 

Whenever she wants to, yes. I am happy to go into as much depth as she wants about what happened etc. - but sometimes she doesn't even want that when I have upset her, she likes to brush things under the carpet. I don't think she's very good at articulating her emotions and she's not very self-aware even though she's an intellectually intelligent girl, it seems when I ask her to think in detail about her emotions and motivations she gets frustrated with her own mind and shuts down.

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And yes then there are things like that night on holiday, things i just can't understand. As a rule she reacts badly to me being upset about anything, she cannot handle it at all, she will either rage at me for it or get depressed about it whereby the focus is now on my cheering her up or she'll revert to anger.

 

I find this odd.

 

If your upset, her focus should be finding out why your upset, or if you dont want to talk, just being there for you....NOT in anyway, getting angry at you or raging at you. Thats totally uncalled for. Its very selfish.

 

I couldn't imagine being with someone, that when im upset about something they yell at me even more....

 

While the relationship may have its good bits, whats it doing to you personally? Are you happy 99% of the time? Do you feel like your walking on egg shells, just waiting for her to react that way again?

 

Are you still with her or have you broken it off?

 

if you really want to salvage it, have you thought of counselling together as a couple?

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I would say over the course of a year I am happy 50% of the time. It's very 50/50 with periods of absolute hell on earth and periods of bliss.

 

What I said about her being unable to deal with me being upset is definitely true and one of the most obvious faults in our relationship. I am prone to losing my temper in big arguments but in every day life I am honestly as laid back as I can possibly be.

 

But when it is literally impossible for you to express any kind of sadness or dejection at something she has done without her reacting in the most selfish ways just wears you down so much.

 

Literally, if she says something that upsets me by mistake and she can see any kind of dejection in my face, she will turn away from me, cross her arms, pout, huff angrily. I always then reach out to cuddle her, to which she will respond by wriggling out of my hands and pushing me away.

 

I think it's because, like her mother, she doesn't really feel sadness in the same way normal people do, it is expressed purely as frustration, anger and resentment - she becomes angry at me for making her feel guilty for upsetting me.

 

It's absolutely bizarre... I have never gotten her to properly admit she does it, she just denies it. There would hardly be any point in talking to her about it anyway because even if she did admit it, she is powerless over her own actions, she has so little self-awareness she is basically a force of nature.

 

 

I told her on the phone "just forget it this relationship is so far gone, it's over" and hung up but because of how sudden it was I think it's generally considered that it's temporary until proven otherwise.

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thats incredibly werid. it almost seems like she acts like a spoilt child and has to have her way...for you to always reach out to her after she is teh one that made you upset is ridiculous.

 

I put up with a lot of things in my relationship, that i know a lot of people wouldn't...but this is not one that'd put up with. If im upset, my bf is there for me, he never gets angry or pouts that i am. he's the one thats giving me the hug. thats how it should be.

 

She should recognise the expression on your face and show some emotion besides anger.... also a relationship shouldn't be 50/50. if your only happy half the time, whats the point?

 

if she doesn't listen to what you say when you try to talk to her, would writing it down for her be better, if she proves obviously, that its worth saving...

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No writing it down doesn't work for her, she sort of gets confused and frustrated and shut down whenever I try to explain my emotions to her.

 

I'm gonna try and leave the relationship over for a week or two, see if she can give me any reason to want to get back together with her, and if she can't, just move on.

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It sounds like too much hard work to even begin to fix this relationship. It'd be better to start again with someone with whom you dont have to work so hard to get along with, someone who makes you happy most of the time. 50 percent isn't good enough. It doesnt matter if you don't feel you can adequately explain to her your reasons for ending it, though you can try to explain. What matters is that you yourself know you have adequate (more than adequate) reasons for ending it. It's not to much to ask to have a mostly peaceful and harmonious relationship in life, is it?? You don't have to settle for this stress. Life is too short for this. I hope you move on, with no regrets or self doubts. I hope you meet someone who appreciates your nice qualities.

Offplanet

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Two days ago I sent her some texts appologising for saying I didn't love her and hoping she was ok, didn't receive a reply as she was abroad but I just noticed that she's been back in the country for a few hours now and evidently our relationship is of lower importance than twitter - that's not a surprise to be honest, even if we hadn't had an argument she has become more and more attached to her stupid phone, constantly checking facebook and twitter.

 

Anyway, we have had a lot of arguments in the past but maybe for the first time ever I really feel refreshed to not "officially" be in a relationship with her.

 

Though things were fine just a week ago, on reflection we have been in a "last chance" period for a long time now and the tidal wave of misery from our past has finally caught up with me with this latest fall out and I really don't have any desire to fix it this time. I know I still love her but nobody falls out of love with someone immediately and the most fresh feelings towards her I have at the moment are 1) disappointment - at our entire relationship, a feeling that has had me feeling very low due to this being my first real relationship, 2) hatred at times, specific to certain events and at all other times 3) indifference.

 

I don't know where all this falls on the "break up" sequence but I cannot find any fondness, hope or desire to see her right now - the more I distance myself from her the more I feel like I'm doing the right thing.

 

We have each done plenty of wrong things in our relationship but I think the thing I can never get over is that hers come from nowhere, hers are the first sparks of the fire - almost every single time. That Dublin example I gave you is the one most fresh in my memory and that gives a good example of the way that no matter how seemingly harmless and pleasant she can seem day to day, whenever it matters, be it in grand moments like holidays or in small moments of significance to you, she will turn around and fail you in the most spectacularly brattish and conceited way imaginable.

 

I know without a doubt that not only her doing this but her inability to put it to rest afterwards and my inability to let these things lie permanently has lead to arguments on a scale that always, always result in the eventually death of a relationship.

 

in this end this is a girl who the better you treat, the worse you will feel, she can never really be sensitive enough to be anything more than a best friend with benefits, and a self-absorbed one at that.

 

I wish I was wrong but I have been searching myself for days and can think of no reason to think otherwise, and of course she has given me absolutely NO reason to doubt it, which knowing her is completely expected.

 

I only wish there was a quick fix "get out of love" pill I could take, even though you know a relationship is completely cancerous and dead there's always that agonising period of getting over it, and to be quite * * * * ing honest, she isn't worth it.

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Just spoke to her, dumped her completely and officially, it's done. The next few days are going to be horrible but I already feel refreshed from being rid of her. All I really want right now is for the feelings of hatred to go, I resent this girl so much and just the thought of her makes me feel physically ill. I cannot wait for her name to just be the distant memory of some random ex, I hope that day comes soooooon!!

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