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Daily Release to the Ex


WomanWriter

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I think I need to release daily to my ex. Every time I see or read about someone "finding" themselves, I feel like punching the wall. It's not constructive, so here I am (as I am everyday):

 

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Dear L,

 

I want to punch the wall right now because of you! I read all these posts about people wanting to "find themselves," and I know it's a crock of * * * * .

I was thinking about how you're right...that relationships do take up a lot of time that could be used for other stuff, but if you actually LOVE the person, it doesn't matter because that person is your priority anyway.

 

I dread talking to this new guy who likes me in just a moment because I feel like he's wasting my time and I'm wasting his. I don't see anything with him long-term. Is that how you felt about me too? Was I wasting your time? Obviously you didn't love me or I wouldn't be such a waste of time to you.

 

Why didn't you get your act together, L? What's your freakin problem?

Don't you dare ever blame me for your crap. It's so unfair. I never did anything to you but love you.

 

You are such a jerk.

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Wow. I wish I had your self-confidence. So strong, so self assured. How do you know it's all his fault? How do you know you really brought to the table, what you think you've brought to the table? He would like me to think (and I think he truly believes) it is some fundamental flaw in me that lead to our divorce. I see it as me tolerating a destructive relationship for far too long. Who's right? And why does it mess with my head so?

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I have been reading some of your posts for some time now.

 

I have to disagree with one thing, finding yourself is not a load of crap. It happens and started happening to me during my BU until he came back.

 

I know it helps to get what you are feeling out, but I can't help but thing that you are punishing and hurting yourself. Forgive me if I am completely wrong.

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Yeah, I just feel angry a lot lately, even though I'm looking for jobs, doing class work, and even trying to date.

 

I still feel upset. I know I could have done things better, but there's nothing I could have done probably to prevent him from leaving.

 

It just hurts so badly to be on the rejected side. It's like, from dating other people, I can see what it's like to be dumper because I don't like anyone I've been talking to (like that).

 

I know it takes time to find someone you really like. I'm just really hurt that he said he loved me because it seems untrue in my experience of love to want to leave and find yourself if you do love someone. It seems like an excuse because I'd probably use that excuse if I didn't like someone. It would be real excuse, but still an excuse.

 

If you love someone, what else do you have to find? What does find yourself even mean? Do you really have to be "single" to be "yourself" I dont think so.

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WW, you are going through the anger stage, but the important thing is to not get STUCK in it. One day...maybe when you are happy with someone else, or even by yourself, you will look back and realize things al worked out the way they were supposed to. You may even laugh at your anger or for letting another person consume so much of you, but it's all a process. A necessary evil. Just try to remember you won't always feel this way, but ultimately that is up to YOU.

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I think you are taking what he has done to heart.

 

It has nothing to do with you or what you did or didn't do- he just needs to be alone- for his own reasons... and there is nothing wrong with that- it just means he needs his own space.

 

I know it hurts and you are angry ... i know all about that.. but what you have to do is realize that its his stuff .. and not yours... and it isn't a rejection of you or your love- its his stuff.. his issues... etc.

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I've written a lot of unsent letters to my ex over the month and a half or so since we broke up...It does help! And when I write them I try not to worry about whether I *should* be feeling however I'm feeling...It helps to just acknowledge how I am actually feeling and to "tell" him about it. (But not actually tell him, lol.) I figure that if spending a few minutes writing it down helps me deal with the emotions so I can spend the rest of the day doing more productive things, that's time well spent...

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I support getting the anger out. It's in there anyway and if you don't get it out somehow it will harm you. Anger is an important emotion because it can be very motivating. At exactly the moment we need it, anger comes along to spurn us on to better things.

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Perhaps I can shed some light. A relationship to me, before it is anything else, is a responsibility. And like any responsibility, a person must possess the right tools and skills to handle it. Just like a twelve year old isn't prepared with the tools and skills to care for a child on their own, some grown men are not equipped to handle a relationship. Does that make them bad people? Maybe. If they lie to you and to themselves and say they're ready when they aren't, that's a terrible thing. They've let their selfish emotions take control over what their conscience knows is right.

 

But if a man knows he's not ready and he stays clear of relationships and dating, then this not a character flaw. This is a good thing. Finding yourself means finding your purpose - it means discovering what your life is for and what good is suppose to come out of it. A man must know who he is and what his purpose is on this earth before he'll ever be worth two cents in a relationship. Just because he's got a job and a few bucks in the bank doesn't mean he can give a woman what she needs. A romantic relationship by itself can never be a man's sole purpose for living.

 

It sounds to me like you got sieged by a guy who had no business getting into a relationship. It was his fault for getting into it... he should not have done it. His error was starting in the first place, not leaving. Maybe understanding that will help.

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