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Feeling a little unstable


sandy cheeks

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So my husband and I are going through a divorce and my reaction to him lately has been making me wonder about things.

 

You see, I feel, very, very unsure of myself when I deal with him. I mean... I am a successful woman, I have a son, I have a job where I interact with lots of people of all ages, and I have a social life......... I can function very well when it comes to all that and dealing with other people. I feel solid in all the other aspects of my life. I don't have this emotional response any other time with anyone else.

 

But when he contacts me, and I have to deal with him, I feel this intense dread. It doesn't matter if he is being nice or manipulative, or mean... his voice just elicits this over whelming fear in me. But he doesn't raise his voice, he doesn't cuss, he doesn't say directly mean things. He just makes me question my sanity. Did things really happen as I recall, or has he always been this kind and considerate? I really, really feel insane when I get off the phone with him. And it's starting to worry me...

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Could it be that you just feel hurt & disappointed about the divorce, and maybe it's just that; you don't know what exactly to think about things because you haven't quite come to the realization that you've arrived at this point; your still processing it. I guess it alright sometimes to not always know what to say or how to feel at the moment, maybe that'll come in time.

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I have no doubt that you are successful and able to deal with situations well but when it comes to matters of the heart then things are very different. Whether you want the divorce or not it is obviously going to affect you, I would imagine it is a very stressful difficult time for anyone.

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Did he want it too? Does he agree with it? It could his manipulation that is making you question whether you are justified in wanting it.

 

No he did not. But he forced me to it. Married to him, I felt I was loosing myself. I can't explain it. He showed no interest in me or my desires for 12 years. Then when he realized all his manipulation and attempts at controlling me where no longer going to work, he agreed to therapy. But the whole while we were in therapy he was shagging someone else. He sat in court and said he doubted my mental health, and that I was a bad mother. Now he wants me to put all that aside and "be friends"??? It's like......... surely he knows how much I hate him for hurting me? Surely he knows that you don't treat someone like that... say those lies... and then say you want to be friends!! Why? Why would I ever in a million years trust him to do right by me?? He has broken my heart and treated me like * * * * . He has always forced his will on me. Dangling just enough freedom in front of me to make me question my own feelings.

 

Oh... what a nice guy... he brought me flowers. Maybe I should give up my best friend because he feels insecure. Maybe I shouldn’t have a problem with him controlling all the money? Maybe I shouldn’t have a problem with going to the same vacation place year, after year, after year. Maybe I should let him pick my friends? Maybe I should let him monopolize my time?

 

These random second guesses. These....... doubts plague me. Yet there is this fear that if I drop my guard for even a second, he'll hurt me again.

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I am sorry to read all of that. I think that you are well within your rights to want a divorce. Him sleeping with someone else while you were both trying to work things out is disgusting, but what bothers me more about your post is him deforming your character in court for his own ends. That is sick in my book.

 

I hope you never give him the chance to hurt you again.

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As pure speculation and without any attempt on my part to diagnose what you are feeling, you may be feeling a great deal of cognitive dissonance. That is to say, having conflicting thoughts, and the conflicting emotions that ensue. We can deal with this in many different ways. We all go through this daily but to differing degrees. In the stressful situation that you are encountering, those conflicts may have grown and become much more difficult to resolve.

 

Reading that you are fearful of being hurt by him again, and reacting to it as shown in the posted section above in bold, that you may have erected some defenses against what he may throw at you in interactions with him. Defenses that you do not normally employ in the other facets of your life. Your questioning of that can also bring on conflict within.

 

The feeling of dread may just be fear of what might, could, would, may happen (which is anxiety) in those interactions. Your images of his past actions can be projected by you into images of what could happen. These can cause the same unpleasant emotional reactions as events that are really occurring can.

 

The good news is that you are aware of these conflicts and now seem to want to resolve them. If you have or had problems with some of his activities, accept it. Why judge yourself for the emotions that you have experienced or are experiencing? They are or were real at the time and then they dissipate. Let them go without making them apart of who you are for they are not. They are simply thoughts and feelings. By accepting them as that and watching them fade, the tendency to keep creating them over and over will diminish.

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If you have or had problems with some of his activities, accept it. Why judge yourself for the emotions that you have experienced or are experiencing? They are or were real at the time and then they dissipate. Let them go without making them apart of who you are for they are not. They are simply thoughts and feelings. By accepting them as that and watching them fade, the tendency to keep creating them over and over will diminish.

 

I like this idea. Think I'll give this a try next time I have to deal with him.

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You say he was always controlling and manipulative, ISTM that he is still manipulating you. He would give just enough to make you doubt your feelings in the marriage and that's what he's doing now....being nice enough to make you doubt your feelings of resentment and anger towards him. I know people like him.... they're con artists, grifters, call them whatever you want. They know how to make people believe what they want them to believe and once they get what they want, they're gone and they couldn't care less who or what they destroy in their wake.

 

Also, he probably doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who caused the divorce, that's why he agreed to therapy, that's why he's being so nice now, that's why he questioned your mental health and parenting skills in court....nevermind the fact that HE was cheating on YOU the whole time....somehow, none of it is his fault, it's all yours. Manipulators always find a way to turn the tables away from themselves and place the blame on the other person....and, usually, in the process end up making the other person believe that it really WAS their fault....

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I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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