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No Such Thing As "Just Friends" Between a Guy & a Girl?


vertigoxo

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Is this true? The movie "When Harry Met Sally" made some famous quotations about it, and have heard some people telling me that guys never really consider girls as "just friends", just girls they haven't dated or screwed yet.

 

In my personal experiences... I never really had a guy be friends with me without any hidden motives on his part. It's always something more. What do you guys think?

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A lot of my guy friends are ex boyfriends from my much younger days, (silly school when your like twelve boyfriends lol) A lot are guys that wanted to date me but we ended up being friends, most of them have hit on me a few times! But there are a few male friends of mine who are like BROTHERS and they see me like a sister.

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I have a guy friend whom I believe does not feel that way about me. We talk about lots of stuff and that topic has never come up. We are both single and he has never tried anything. I know that I have never thought that way about him, actually, we wouldn't be compatible in a relationship and I don't get those vibes from him either.

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Great movie. Yes, it's true for the most part. Women seem to defend much more vehemently than men that men and women can be just friends. But in my experience, female "friends" have not stuck around once they realized I had no romantic interest in them.

 

BTW, as far as questioning women's motives in opposing-gender friendships, I don't think the woman is always interested in the guy. But I do think she always expects the guy to be interested in her. I think it's a self-esteem booster or something to that effect.

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I have a guy friend whom I believe does not feel that way about me. We talk about lots of stuff and that topic has never come up. We are both single and he has never tried anything. I know that I have never thought that way about him, actually, we wouldn't be compatible in a relationship and I don't get those vibes from him either.

 

Sounds like the two of you are putting aside feelings in fear of rejection. But eh, what do I know.

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I've always believed this to be the case. While I have had many female friends in my life, the attraction to being their friends was something deeper. I wouldn't call it 'hidden motives', sounds like I'm only a girl's friend because I someday hope she'll let me into her pants, which isn't the case.

 

Usually I am friends with her because I like her as a person, she's fun to hang around etc etc But that doesn't stop my feelings from getting involved on their own and wanting more. Doesn't mean I act on it though.

 

This falls under something called Ladder Theory, ladies have two defined ladders a 'friend' ladder and a 'f*ck' ladder and when they make a guy a 'friend' that is where he tends to stay. Guys only have one ladder, with 'friend' at one end and 'f*ck' at the other, so it's easier for a girl to start off as a friend, but as time goes by slip more into the drool zone.

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Men and women CAN be friends... they really can. I have lots of guy friends who I haven't slept with and doubt I ever will.

 

However.... if you ever get really close, I think sometimes there really is risk and tension. I think that is true ... just in my personal experience.

 

I was very close to a male friend not too long ago... tension... and sex. Now, sadly... we are no longer friends and it breaks my heart.

 

I have another male friend who I'm decently close to and we are strictly friends and I feel confident we'll stay that way, but we've also known each other our entire lives... so I guess it depends on circumstances.

 

If you really want friendship to work, you have to know motives and respect boundaries, on both ends.

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I have a guy friend whom I believe does not feel that way about me. We talk about lots of stuff and that topic has never come up. We are both single and he has never tried anything. I know that I have never thought that way about him, actually, we wouldn't be compatible in a relationship and I don't get those vibes from him either.

 

That doesn't mean that he doesn't feel something, he might just be keeping it quiet because he enjoys your company and friendship.

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It's weird that I can kind of agree with that saying that we can't just be friends...

 

The only guy friends I have are either related to someone I'm friends with, are old friends from back in the day, someone trying to get with me or gay. So technically, I don't really "meet" new guys unless they're looking for something. (Which I never am so I have no new guy friends...)

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I don't see why they can't be just friends. Although my remaining female friends are at least 10 years older than me and married.

 

On the other hand was the other female friend I had, which ended up being the epic disaster that was my last relationship.

 

I guess it depends... each situation will vary greatly and it depends very much on the two people in question. I don't think there are any rules

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I believe 100% there are guys that are genuinely social and just like to have friends.

I also believe 100% that every single male and female of any species subconsciously scores every member of the opposite(or same!) sex in terms of attractiveness and sexuality.

 

if you score too low to be on their scale, then they're just social and friendly. this can be because you are a childhood friend, family/friends of work acquaintances(careers are touchy), or you aren't attractive to them

 

if you score high enough to be on their scale, then regardless of friendly and social, they are trying to illicit a relationship. it's nature.

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Can't speak for anyone else, but I have a heterosexual guy friend who has been a friend for...oh, crap, going on 2 decades now. Never were sexually attracted to each other, but got along great and enjoyed each others' company.

 

Ugh, I'm so jealous! I really want to connect with a guy (most girls can get catty from time to time, it's exhausting for me) and just let it stay like that- platonic but close...

 

Well, maybe I should go for what my mom says; "You always marry your best friend." Maybe my future husband can be my male best friend!

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I have one male friend of 15 years and we have always been 100% platonic. But he is at least 10 years older than me so that may play a role.

 

When I was younger, I had tons of male friends. I grew up with all brothers and only boys in my neighborhood, so I was used to being around guys. But as I have gotten older, I am more drawn to females for friendship. I like men, but I would probably not pursue a close friendship with one just because I find most women more interesting to talk to and they share more of my interests.

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Friendship can happen. There has been zero sexual attraction with my best female friend. We are the same age and both single. I will note that she is NOT the type I'd go after, in a physical sense. We get along perfectly and understand each other in every other way. Had she been my type physically, I would have thought differently of her, most likely.

 

Having a female's perspective on dating and other women has been helpful, I must say.

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The story of two opposite sex friends is the story of how two people can two huge world views on the relationship. One friend thinks it all peachy and the other is hiding their true emotions. This is why a great deal of these friendships don't last.

 

In the Triangular Theiry of Love (Sternberg, 1986) it shows how intimacy is crucial for friendships, but not any long term commitment or physical passion. You can see how a singular trait or the combinaion of two of he traits can determing the type of relationship dynamics with the ultimate combination of the three for ultimate love.

 

In my own hybrid version most people get all three traits met by a combination of people. This is where on person can offer the physical passion while the other can complete the verbal intimacy and commtment side of the equation. This is why women are more prone to accept male frienship. It compensates for the lack of intimacy with their romantic mate.

 

They can talk to their make friend about topics they cannot tell their romantic inerest. Some women, who play the field, will get their intimacy and commitment needs met by their best male friend while they share their physcal passion from one man to the next. This too applies to men when they meet their emotional needs from female friends.

 

This is why any sex's best friend should encompass the three traits that we all need for true love. The wisdom that comes with age creates the desire to attain verbal intimacy, physical passion and long term commitment from one person rather then two or three.

 

This is yet another reason why our best friend in life has to be our lover that will stick wound through good and bad times. Also, why opposite sex friendship is not good for any seriously true relationship to work and why I don't have, create or nuture any opposite sex friendships.

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I honestly believe it can happen. I've been friends with W for almost three years now... we were part of a group of friends that started to hang out together freshman year. The group kind of dissolved, and though I'm still on good terms with all of them, I think he and I have maintained the closest relationship out of all of us. He dated my roommate for awhile, but they broke up right as my ex and I were breaking up. Even then, though, there was no sexual tension at all. We were still just close friends. I don't find him unattractive... I just am not attracted to him! His personality is just the type I can be good friends with but could never date, and that's the way he feels about me! Perhaps it helps that when we first met, we hated each other...?

 

I have another friend who is just a friend, and has been for as long as I've known him. For as long as we've been close, we've each been in a serious relationship. That does change the dynamic, as we have never been available to one another, but I seriously doubt we would have ever had any romantic feelings for each other even if we had known each other single.

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One of my best guy friends and I met on a dating site. We were there to look for dates, wrote each other, met up. Neither of us did it for the other physically whatsoever. Within 5 minutes we'd figured that out and put it out there that it wouldn't happen. We've been great friends since. So yeah, it's possible. I talk to him about guys I'm interested in, he talks to me about his now girlfriend. He's very obnoxious and funny, which I like, but he's also a good friend. We have a blast hanging out together.

 

Other guy friends I've had, I've developed little crushes but mostly the "omg he's so cute" kind, and those don't last long for me. Don't know if any other guy friends of mine have felt the same about me. But yea it's possible for them to be friends if you're mature and realistic about it.

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Sounds like the two of you are putting aside feelings in fear of rejection. But eh, what do I know.

 

So you don't really want to hear other view points, you just want to twist them to be in line with yours (unless you were joking there).

 

Can a lesbian have female friends?

Can a gay man have male friends?

Can a bisexual have any friends?

Can a heterosexual have opposite-gendered friends?

 

Yes to all 4, sexual orientation isn't a deciding factor in hat sect of people you can be friends with and have no hidden motives. If you feel that's the case then enjoy that philosophy.

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Men and women CAN be friends... they really can. I have lots of guy friends who I haven't slept with and doubt I ever will.

 

If you really want friendship to work, you have to know motives and respect boundaries, on both ends.

 

I agree with Nixee.. Men and women Can be friends, as long as they both know eachother's motives and boundaries and respect it.

 

I think the reason why people are suspicious about friendship between a guy and a girl because in most cases... one person May fall for the other. But it's not surprising since ;o if we are interacting closely with someone then that possibility of making them your mate will eventually creep into each others minds. Humans are always thinking of the possibilities ;o and since say you're getting along with them then that's already a good base(friendship) and start for a real relationship. You think "Hey I'm getting along great with him/her, why can't we become closer and have a relationship?". So I think that's why friendship between a girl and a guy can be suspicious ;o cause if they get along so great, it wouldn't be surprising for one or both to fall for eachother as well. In a straight community we just assume, if it's a guy/girl being close, there is probably something between them because of the possibility. Since homosexuality isn't really the normal view, friendship between guy/guy and girl/girl aren't viewed as suspicious at all and most likely those lines won't be crossed because people don't think of the possibility of even becoming mates in the first place with the same gender.

 

XD You can change the terms around I guess.... if both your sexual preference are the same, then the possibility of friendship -> relationship will always be there and creep into eachother's mind some time.

 

However if boundaries are drawn and motives are uncovered, then both people will not think of further possibilities between them, and can remain good friends. If those issues aren't clear yet, then one or both may think there could be something more to the friendship.. and that's what happens to guy/girl friendship because of the straight community we live in.

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My best friends are all women, and yes, I consider whether I am "attracted" to them, but does this affect our friendship in any way? No, because I possess something a lot of men actually possess: Maturity.

 

Well said.

 

Most of my close friends are women, and I will admit I am/was attracted to some of them.

 

Some of these friendships started out from dating, and others are something that I've never pursued for various reasons (i.e. she already has a boyfriend, she got married, etc.).

 

I value their friendship more than anything, and I would not do anything to jeopardize it. I would go look for someone else other than my friends if I wanted to hook up with someone.

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