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Negotiating Friendship Only...?


WomanWriter

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I met a man on a dating site that I went out with yesterday (our first date).

I really liked talking to him, but the physical chemistry wasn't there.

 

At the end of the date, he asked me how I felt (respectfully). I said the date was "cool" and I enjoyed talking (true...except he did most of the talking). He said he really wanted to see me again and asked if that was ok. I said I'd talk to him online about it.

 

So this morning I got an email from him saying he was thinking about me and that he had a lot of fun. I didn't know what to say, so I just wrote back that I liked talking to him and had a lot of stuff to do but maybe we could chat later tonight.

 

I don't want to lose a potential friend because he's a cool person. But I'm not attracted to him. I do think he's attracted to me. He was looking at me as if he was and he hugged me twice and looked like he was going to cry when I left.

 

How should I handle this situation? It doesn't help that 7 months ago my ex fiance (bf of 7 years) ended our relationship. I still love my ex, but that's not my reason for not being attracted to this guy...although I could conveniently use it as an excuse.

 

What would you want someone to tell you? What have you told the person?

I don't want him to think I'm leading him on if I just want to be friends. What if he asks why I don't want more than friendship?

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why do you consider him a potential friend if he spent the entire time talking about himself? this guy is not on a dating site to meet new friends, he's looking for a gf. or a bed buddy. whatever he is looking for, it's not to be 'just friends' i would tell him the truth so he can move on.

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negotiating?!?!

 

Why not give him a contract with the terms and conditions??

 

sorry, it just all sounds a bit funny

 

If someone is on a dating site they are looking for a date and to be honest it sounds a bit like you want to have your cake and eat it too. It doesn't really work like that. I don't go on dating sites to look for pals.

 

Just tell him you're not interested.. saying "but I still like you as a friend' doesn't really soften the blow( if there even is one)

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I have found most guys to be hurt or offended or sometimes even find it condescening to say, "I think you're great but would rather be friends"

 

 

I agree... and many women would feel the same if they were told that by a guy they met off a dating site as well.

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Just be honest with him. If he's mature and worth being friends with he'll understand.

 

We can't all be attracted to everyone we ever meet...the world would come to a grinding halt.

 

I'm really good friends with someone i had several dates with who didn't find me attractive...i wasn't offended and appreciated the honesty.

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I agree... and many women would feel the same if they were told that by a guy they met off a dating site as well.

 

 

why though? chemistry is either there or its not.

 

I have met a lot of attractive guys- i just didn't feel romantic chemistry with them.

 

so its not really about looks its more about that za! you get when you meet someone.

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Just be honest with him. If he's mature and worth being friends with he'll understand.

 

We can't all be attracted to everyone we ever meet...the world would come to a grinding halt.

 

I'm really good friends with someone i had several dates with who didn't find me attractive...i wasn't offended and appreciated the honesty.

 

I agree, that he should understand.. but I think the OP has to realise that he may not want to be friends...

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I wouldn't wanna be friends. I don't want the constant reminder of being around someone who isn't attracted to me affecting my self esteem negatively. I'm sure people don't want to be around someone who will tell them "you're fat" every day (even if it's the truth). It's kind of the same here, every time she says something like "you're such a great friend", he will be associating that phrase with rejection. Additionally, male attraction increases when their egos are fed, so her saying something like that would increase his attraction to her more, and the greater the disparity/difference in attraction (hers still being at 0 or close to 0), the greater the pain and psychological trauma from maintaining such a relationship/friendship for the male.

 

Be straight up with him, that if he wants to be friends with you, it would be at his own risk of being hurt, because you are not in the least bit interested in romance or sex with him. Throwing a phrase at the end like "I'm kinda boring anyway" might help soften the blow, so would introducing him to a friend, preferrably one who has trouble keeping boyfriends. If he starts moping about how you're not attracted to him, you'll have something to fall back on of him not being attracted to someone else (that friend). If he's attracted to the friend, well then there would be 2 people who can't trigger chemistry within the opposite sex well hitting it off lol.

 

Guys on dating websites are usually losers. They still deserve to be rejected respectfully and not being lead on. Friendship is usually out of the question in these types of situation.

 

Cheers.

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Guys on dating websites are usually losers.

I've met a lot of guys on dating websites and none of them were losers and neither am I!

Obviously this guy isn't a loser or she wouldn't be interested in a friendship.

Easy there.

 

First of all, you're not a guy, so that statement excludes you, plus I said "usually", not "always". Secondly, were they able to trigger chemistry within you? If they weren't, you will almost invariably get "yeah" as a response when you ask them if they think they're a loser for not being able to trigger chemistry in you.

 

I stated that I would not want to be friends in his situation, and gave her his probable feelings. I don't find my analysis here is useless, or is something I should "take it easy" on.

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I don't find my analysis here is useless, or is something I should "take it easy" on.

I didn't say your post was useless, I said "usually" your posts are useless...haaaaa......just teasing

Let's prove that men and women who meet online CAN be friends!!!

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it's not that they can't be friends - just that his objective being on a dating site is to find a date, not a new friend. of course, she won't know unless she talks to him. but in general, if i go on one date with a guy i met online, i'm not looking to be his friend. i'd just rather cut my losses and move on.

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What I did in that situation was tell the person that I did not think we were a match but would be happy to keep in touch as friends, and that I would leave it up to him to get in touch. I did end up being friends with a few men I met through on line dating but usually it was because the feelings were mutual.

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Dating Someone Not Attracted To - D...
Dating Someone Not Attracted To - Do It!

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