How easy is it to truly move on from one-sided relationships?

[ellandroader]

Don't get me wrong, I am open to meeting someone new, ready to settle down and start a family. I at least think I deserve that, to love and be loved in return.

 

However a lot of the time, I just don't feel inside that I am capable of it. I have struggled, and fought back from, confidence/anxiety issues, going from being housebound as a result to what I am today. And for that I am proud but the past still hurts sometimes. I can't get away from the fact that I don't think I have ever been truly loved (not including immediate family of course).

 

It makes me wonder sometimes what I have to do, or what I did wrong and indeed whether or not I will find it. I thought I had a good thing going last time around until her feelings dissipated, her attention towards me waned and I was towing the line.

 

Worse still, I got little to no closure as I left her, even though we were close friends who had shared a lot of personal things. And it was a similar story with the girl before, who led me down the garden path with ulterior motives. In the end, both had problems, both liked me obviously but never saw me as a long term bet.

 

I don't know how I end up with these types. This last experience sucked the life out of me. I am recovering but even though I know I should get what I feel I deserve, it seems like I don't feel that I will. Yet I am a perennial do-gooder, make people laugh and am always trying to live life the right way. I tend to give selflessly which may be half the problem I suppose.

 

So when you see nearly everyone you know having success in this area, it kind of makes you think. I don't quite know what is wrong with me to be honest.

 

Can anyone relate?

[waveseer]

You chose the wrong women to fall for and I chose the wrong men to fall for and if I wasn't two whole decades older than you....

 

 

[ellandroader]

You chose the wrong women to fall for and I chose the wrong men to fall for and if I wasn't two whole decades older than you....

 

 

 

Haha, thank you for the compliment I guess you summed it up pretty well also.

[waveseer]

Haha, thank you for the compliment I guess you summed it up pretty well also.

 

You're welcome.

 

The real question I ask myself is, why do I choose men who cannot appreciate me fully?

[Capricorn3]

Yet I am a perennial do-gooder, make people laugh and am always trying to live life the right way. I tend to give selflessly which may be half the problem I suppose.

 

I don't quite know what is wrong with me to be honest.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're a very decent young man and you should be proud of that, as we don't find many around these days. You're a kind-hearted soul, but sometimes you have to think about putting yourself first, before others. I agree with you that giving selflessly, all the time, can be a problem (I do that too, so I can relate, lol), and that's why I think the time has come for you to turn the focus on yourself for a change. Go out there and get what YOU want!

 

I have no doubt you'll reach your goal and find the happiness that you are looking for and deserve.

[ellandroader]

You're welcome.

 

The real question I ask myself is, why do I choose men who cannot appreciate me fully?

 

For the same reasons I pick the wrong women I guess! I have a lot to give but....

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You're a very decent young man and you should be proud of that, as we don't find many around these days. You're a kind-hearted soul, but sometimes you have to think about putting yourself first, before others. I agree with you that giving selflessly, all the time, can be a problem (I do that too, so I can relate, lol), and that's why I think the time has come for you to turn the focus on yourself for a change. Go out there and get what YOU want!

 

I have no doubt you'll reach your goal and find the happiness that you are looking for and deserve.

 

Thank you Capricorn....yes I do need to work on putting myself first a little more. It's just hard to do as it isn't in my nature, I can be a friend to anybody and be willing to help out wherever I have to. I am pretty used to people disappearing when I have been a good friend, or date or whatever and being the responsible type, I tend to look at myself instead of others and see what I could be doing differently.

 

I feel like I was used last time around, and I am a bit annoyed with myself for it happening, even though I did put a stop to it.

 

I do appreciate your faith and kind words. This is a conundrum for me when I feel like this!

[Capricorn3]

It's just hard to do as it isn't in my nature, I can be a friend to anybody and be willing to help out wherever I have to. I am pretty used to people disappearing when I have been a good friend, !

I understand that you find it hard to say "No" to people, because, like you say, it's in your nature to be kind and helpful, etc. The key is to not become a doormat, whereby people take you for granted and walk all over you. Try and find a healthy balance. Sometimes you have to say "No", even when you feel you want to help out. Sometimes you have to make excuses and walk away. Find a balance. You don't have to turn everyone away. It doesn't have to mean that you have to become a nasty individual. Say yes sometimes. Say no, sometimes.

 

The more you do this, the easier it becomes and the stronger YOU become.

 

I wish you well.

[ellandroader]

I understand that you find it hard to say "No" to people, because, like you say, it's in your nature to be kind and helpful, etc. The key is to not become a doormat, whereby people take you for granted and walk all over you. Try and find a healthy balance. Sometimes you have to say "No", even when you feel you want to help out. Sometimes you have to make excuses and walk away. Find a balance. You don't have to turn everyone away. It doesn't have to mean that you have to become a nasty individual. Say yes sometimes. Say no, sometimes.

 

The more you do this, the easier it becomes and the stronger YOU become.

 

I wish you well.

 

This is true. I do like to think I have the balance right though because I do stand up for myself. I am not someone who looks to get in a fight but will get in one if someone starts one. I banged heads with a lot of people who have taken me for granted, my only thing is that I am perhaps more sensitive than the average male and when I dispense with my feelings, the loss is felt when things go pear shaped. Perhaps I am just too tolerant and patient.

 

But yes, "sometimes" is the key word!

[Capricorn3]

I do stand up for myself.

Excellent!! Just the words I want to hear!!

[arcadefire]

I've never been loved either, been told the "I love yous", but they didn't mean it, then been told the "I'm not in love with yous" and they meant it... the list goes on.

 

The "easiness" factor is all up to you! The inner strength and resolve within you. Stand up for what you believe in, your goals, yourself, and you will find someone who will truly love you for you.

[BriarRose]

I totally relate. I don't think anyone has ever been in love with me (although most of my bf's have told me they love me).

 

I think part of the problem is we stay far too long (do you do this?) even when the signs tell us RUN!!! This just causes the hurt and anxiety to fester, not to mention the lost self esteem.

 

When that little voice starts to tell you that this person doesn't feel the same or is "shopping" for someone else, it is important to cut the cord at that time.

 

You are a young, good looking, kind man.....you will find what you are looking for...don't let the "wrong" people you have met in your life convince you otherwise.

[itsallgrand]

I relate to that feeling of 'hm, maybe i'm not capable of this'. When it comes to a healthy, long term two-sided relationship. Actually, even in the beginning stages.

 

I don't know what you do, I know and have watched myself tripping my own self up from this. The past still sometimes hurting and creeping up at those moments when...things are actually going really well and looking good! Well, then I go and doubt myself..

 

I guess you could say, success in that scares me as much as failure. At least there is some awareness of it now tho. That's a huge stride.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You had a bunch of the heavy struggles early in life - as did I - and went on to face 'em and do your best to rise beyond and above all that, carve out life on your terms. That's what you are doing right now still - that's admirable.

 

It's digging in to that strange thing some people call faith. That the future is going to be bright..you'll find that lovely woman who can appreciate you and take pride in that...you'll be strong enough and open enough and have the vision to make the tough choices and love..

 

and i guess ,we all need a soft spot to fall sometimes.