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Ok, well, my boyfriend and I (only 8 months but it was lovely) have broken up. We actually broke up about three weeks ago originally, him saying he just didn't feel like we were right together. I did not contact him at all and four days later he started texting and calling, all day everyday whether I replied or not. So we met up for lunch and he said he wanted us to start dating eachother again. Which we did. During this "dating period" he was lovely, exactly as we were together before. I never suggested doing anything because I was a little scared and wanted to see how things went, and he suggested seeing eachother roughly three/four times every week.

 

But suddenly last thursday he turned around and said "I'm not definitely sure we will get back together by the way, I think we have some deciding to do". I said that I had made it clear how I felt and therefore he was the one who had some deciding to do. After that, he didn't contact me for the rest of the day, so i called and asked what the matter was and he said "I just don't think I'm in love" and so its over. he is adamant that we remain friends and doesn't want to 'lose me' but he said this the last time and we ended up back dating. So I left it up to him to contact me, which he did on friday and saturday day.

 

We both had plans to go out on saturday (seperately) and while I was out I got several messages from him (along the lines of "I'm sorry" "You are amazing and I am horrible" "I want to see you" and "night night my lovely xx"). Having ignored these, I get a phone call which I answered and I could hear a guy in the background saying "are you calling ______ (my name)? you've got it bad haven't you".

 

During the course of this same night I bumped into his best friend, who proceeded to tell me how my ex loves me and still won't stop talking about me all the time (I didn't actually ask anything about my ex, he just volunteered the info).

 

Sunday he was texting me saying he wanted to get a chinese but would have too much to eat, so I suggested he ask his friend round and he ignored this suggestion and asked me to join him. When I said I'd already eaten, he asked me to come over and watch a film. Stupidly I said ok, went and watched a film and nothing happened. When the film was over I got my stuff together and he said "would you like to stay here?" i said no and left. And then I got a long message on my way home explaining he didnt mean anything by the staying, he meant just to sleep etc and that he'd had a lovely evening. Heard monday morning (little hey how are you message) and a call in the evening, but now nothing for today (wednesday).

 

Once again I am very confused. Is this his way of being friends? or is there more to it? I'm heartbroken, but I really don't want to not speak to him. What should I do?

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welcome to enotalone. i would not be friends with him, that is just me, because it would be too hard to move on. it's one thing if it's mutual, but it sounds like you have feelings for him, and that he still has some feelings for you. i would recommend you go no contact for at least 2 months. give yourself and him some breathing room. tell him not to contact you for at least 2 months, you are not ready to be friends yet.

 

ok, he says you are amazing and wonderful and all that, but he's also said he doesn't feel like this relationship is 'right.' well, i say, let him miss you. if you are still his friend, he won't miss you. give him time to reflect on if his life is better without you being his gf or not. and i think you should give some thought to if this guy is right for you either. i think he's being selfish by breaking up with you, but expecting to be friends right away.

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It sounds like to me that he doesn't know what he wants but at the same time he does. Almost like he's playing games. You say you're heartbroken, so this is doing nothing for your emotions but playing with them. The texts, the calls, the invites. You are in a tender place right now.

 

You need to get right down to it and ASK him what he wants. If you want to be with him, then you want to be with him. If you don't, then you need to start No Contact.

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Hi guys, thank you both for replying.

 

I do want to be with him, so very much. But I don't know if I should tell him that or if I should just leave him be and see what happens? Which is the best approach? I know I will eventually heal and be fine again, but if there is any chance for him and I, I want to make sure I have maximised that potential, at least then I will know I have given my everything.

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i would tell him the truth, how you feel. since you've already told him you want to be with him, i would just tell him that again, but that these text messagees and him wanting to hang out with you are messing with your head. so you are going to go into no contact, so you both can have some space and time to breath. you aren't ready to be friends now, however. since it was your boyfriend's decision to break up with you, he needs to deal with the conseqeunces. (ie, time without you!!!)

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Ok. I think I will wait to see if he gets in touch again as I haven't heard anything today at all. If he does, I will tell him no contact. if he doesn't, well then thats NC all by itself really. Thanks again for your advice, I am so glad I found this site!

 

*Update*

 

So he didn't contact at all yesterday, but today has sent me a chatty email... Do't really know what to do at this point...should I say something?

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i don't think there is anything YOU can do. he has to make the decision, himself, and feel that he must be with you. since he is sort of lukewarm/ambivalent towards you right now, i would leave him alone. distance may make his heart grow fonder. i've had it happen, many many times, when i finally let go of a guy, they come back.

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Ok, so I have made no effort with him whatsoever, last night I get an email sent through to my blackberry, two pictures of something he was doing that night (it was sent to me and only guy from his work, who is involved in the stag do, which is what the photos were about). I couldnt see one properly so sent a reply saying "whats the second one of?" and got a reply saying "its ....... how funny! are you having a good evening?" I didnt reply to that. Does this strike you as trying to be friends?

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No, I don't want him texting me random things (which is why i didn't reply after the first message asking what the photo was). And I thought that would be that. Well, Saturday night I got a text from him while he was out saying he still is very attracted to me and then used the word we always used to use instead of love you. I replied to this saying I wasn't interested in having a convo like that and if he wanted to talk properly he'd have to make the effort when he wasn't out etc. Another of his friends came to talk to me and said he'd heard that my ex had used "not in love" as the reason for the split, and then turned around and said "well, everyone knows he's lying about that because he is definitely in love with you".

 

So very confused now. He called in the morning and said "is now a good time to talk seeing as I'm not out and am sober etc" and proceeded to invite me to his family's house for dinner (weird?!) and so we could have a chat. I didnt go for dinner, but we met up for a chat. Except we didnt end up sorting anything out at all, and when I asked why we had met he said "I want to see you and miss you and I'm sorry" but when I asked what he thought we should do, he replied "I don't know" and got very upset (sad, not angry).

 

Any ideas at all? Because I haven't got a clue anymore.

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Ugh, that is frustrating! You did all the right things in terms of refusing to talk while he was drunk, and then he let you down in person...You may just have to tell him, "You seem really confused about you want and being in contact with you while you're feeling that way is just too hard for me."

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Yes, I think that's probably what I need to do... It's a shame because I really thought he'd made some progress, but apparently not (or at least not in the way I had hoped).

 

Should I take it that he is confused then? Or that he is deliberately trying to keep me "on the hook" as it were?

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Im kind of going through something similar and trying to decide the same thing. Its very hard to do, but I feel like if you continue to speak to them they've not lost anything..and won't really know what its like to not have us around....I should follow my own advice but its really hard to do...

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He Calls Me Instead Of Texting
He Calls Me Instead Of Texting

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