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How do you get over cheating and stay in the marriage?


princesskitten

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Hello out there. I am 24 and my husband and I have been married almost 2 yrs. In February of this yr my husband was attending college and working part time. I was working full time at a job I hated 4 states away (we moved so I could do this job). I got really depressed and resentful because I he was going to school and working part time at a job he loved and I was working a job I hated so he could do this. One night we got into a huge fight and he left, he turned his phone off b/c I kept calling. About a wk later he told me he was no longer in love with me, the next day we seen a marriage counselor and I thought things were ok, he expressed that he felt I didnt love him, so thats why he thought we were not in love any more. After a few days he confessed that he had called an 18 yr old girl he had a class with and kissed her the night of our fight, he told me he kissed her at school a few times as well and took her out to lunch. I was so shocked! My husband and I were good friends for 4 yrs before dating and both our relationships previously failed because our partners cheated. Being faithful was something of great importance to both of us. He told me he wanted to work it out and would do anything to make it up. I decided that we had to move back home so he dropped his classes, quit his job and we came back immediately. Now I cant stop thinking about it and I am constantly suspicios. I snoop and I hate it, I have never done this before and it makes me feel sick. I want to trust him because I love him and he isnt doing anything now to make me feel otherwise. We are both working part time and both full time students at the same college. In the fall we will only have one class together and I am stressed out because I feel like he is going to cheat again with a girl from a new class. I hate this so much and I want feel good about is again. He is trying really hard to prove his love and loyalty, but I cant stop thinking about the cheating. Please help!

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what steps is he going to take to show you he won't cheat again? maybe you guys can come up with some sort of plan. like no turning the phone off on each other like that. do you think he is really sorry and regrets cheating? would you have found out if he didn't tell you?

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I would have found out if he didnt tell me from the phone bill and our credit card statement from when he took her to lunch. He quit a job he loved, quit his classes half way through a semiester( nonrefundable) and moved back to a place he doesnt like, to prove he wants to start over. He also keeps in touch with me all day long if we are away from each other. We also never go to bed angry at each other, and no one leaves when there is a disagreement until it is solved

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Not completely, and thats the problem I'm having. I dont know how. I feel like by staying I am showing him he does not have to respect me. I have a history of anorexia/bulimia and he has been a huge factor in my recovery, but after this happened I have been having issues with it again. I feel that a part of him had to have known that would happen. I saw the girl who he cheated with an she was very thin, and I had put on some weight, though he says thats not why he cheated, I find myself falling back into old habits

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It was just a kiss.

 

People have different parameters for what they view cheating as. I'm sure to some people a one night stand wouldn't be cheating if they were drunk.

 

To the OP, if you can't move on then it's best to dump him to avoid prolonging these bad feelings.

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I'm sorry for Russ978's ridiculous reply. It doesnt matter if its "only" a kiss or some groping or full-on sex of any variety...it is cheating and it IS a big deal and isn't something you just decide to "get over". "Getting over" it usually requires a lot of time energy on both your parts. You will not just magically trust him over night regardless of what kind of energy he is putting in to make it up to you. Don't put pressure on yourself to heal over night. You may want to consider further marriage counselling to help build the trust between you again.

 

I also wanted to add that just dumping someone you love is not always going to be an option or something you want to do until you have tried to heal your relationship together.

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my husband cheated on me. We are Still together and we are patching things up.

 

here's my story- About a year ago I find my husband of 4 years kissing a close friend of mine. I confronted him and he admitted that he had slept with her. He swore it was just a moment of weakness and that he was messed up because we were having a lot of problems. Of course I was devastated, I never in my entire life had I felt such pain and betrayal. I went Into a mad fury and swore that I'd hurt him back, I felt like I was going crazy, everyday I found myself in tears, I couldn't function properly. I could tell that my husband was sorry for what he had done, and he was trying to make it up to me but we were still having problems. It was a slow and painful process of healing i think the many arguments and accusations that followed both caused us pain, but slowly we are getting through it.

 

Right now we are in the process of trying to fall in love all over again. I know a lot of people would say such a betrayal should never be forgiven but i wanted to see if after all our relationship was worth saving...

 

And well. I’m finding that it is.

 

Why do people tend to give up on relationships after infidelity?

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Why do people tend to give up on relationships after infidelity?

 

Because of the disrespect, broken trust, betrayal, and difficulty to forgive that selfish immoral behavior.

 

Don't listen to "it's just a kiss" because for all you don't know, they could have done more.

 

If this marriage is hurting you rather than making you happy, it's not worth the fight. Although I don't entirely believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater", it appears that your marriage situation (long distance, different jobs, etc) may contribute to these problems.

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I don't agree with the people who are making this out to be a federal offense.. Yes, it's hurtful that he kissed another girl, but is this honestly on the same level as him sleeping with the other girl??

 

OP, he is trying to make amends. And I think it's unfair for you to blame your recurrence of food disorder on him or his behavior. To be truly recovered, you have to learn how to deal with stress as it comes up, including stress from boyfriends or husbands. If you cannot deal with the stress of your marriage in a healthy way, perhaps you should take a time out from the relationship and go back into some form of treatment.

 

Other than that, it sounds like he's trying very hard to make amends and you need to learn forgiveness. It's a lifeskill that will allow your marriage to fare better, if you really want it to last.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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