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Do They Ever Do This to You???


Devlgrrl

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I wouldn't date someone like that, and if I found out that's who I was dating I would break up with them.

 

You really can have a relationship without getting cruel, name-calling, f-you's, etc. I don't do that sort of thing to my boyfriend, and likewise I expect that he doesn't say things to me with the sole intent to hurt me. That's just a lot of extra pain to inflict for really no reason. Even when we fight, it is more of a "disagreement" than being mean to each other, yelling or things like that.

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I think in weaker moments, when we think we are right, we cannot see the other person's point of view. Name calling isn't part of our "routine" but the "MY fault? this is YOUR fault!" has definitely happened.

In the end, after the cooling off, we are almost 100% able to see the other person's point of view on our own and can come back and take responsibility for our own actions.

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Does your spouse/significant other ever treat you like crap or say really mean things to you, and when you retort or stand up for yourself, accuse YOU of being the "mean" one??

If you give us some examples, we might be able to offer you something you might say or do to try and change the pattern.

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It's called projection. Usually the way I deal with it is by walking away. "I will not talk to you while you are treating me this way."

 

Do you mean that they really feel this way about themselves and project it onto you? Like they know their flaws otherwise but can't/won't accept them?

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Does your spouse/significant other ever treat you like crap or say really mean things to you, and when you retort or stand up for yourself, accuse YOU of being the "mean" one??

 

This drives me crazy! How do you deal with this??

 

No, never.

 

You deal with it by knowing that other loving couples dont go through that so there must be something is wrong with the relationship (and him) if this happens and you dump them.

 

God, who needs that? Life is hard enough without the people you love abusing you and your love for them.

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Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

As for examples...it's hard to explain but a conversation may go something like this:

 

"Why do you always have to be such a b**ch?" (or equally mean random and undeserved comment)

 

"If I'm a b**ch, then you're an *ss." (jokingly)

 

"Gosh...I was just kidding. (looks terribly hurt) You're just mean."

 

Suddenly he makes me feel like the bad guy and I think maybe he was just kidding and I should just lighten up. BUT...I'm not an uptight, self-righteous person who makes a big deal out of every little remark - I'm prety tough skinned. However, after 5 years, I've started *really* paying attention to the way he talks to me. I guess I just blew off his comments for a long time. I too told myself that he was "just kidding." But I've realized that the comments are slowly eating away at me.

 

I just don't know how to make him realize what he's doing. I've tried talking to him, but it doesn't seem to sink in. I've tried saying something mean back (like above just to sort of "wake him up" to what he's saying to me), but he just acts like I'm the meanest person in the world for saying anything like that to him (although he JUST said the same thing to me!). I can't help but feel bad because I'm not naturally like that. I'm not mean and I have a hard time even pretending to be, and above all I don't want to stoop to that level.

 

Any suggestions??

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My friend and I used to be really sarcastic with each other and it would get very hurtful. With my guy, we established that we wouldn't use any curses or anything really nasty during fights. Maybe you can say something light like, "Hey, I'll be nicer to you if you're nicer to me"

If he calls you a witch during a fight, though, then once the fight is over, when you're both back to being calm, you can say, "I've been thinking about the language we use with each other and it's really hurtful when you call me ________ and I'm sure it's hurtful when I call you ________. Can we just stop that and remember that we really care about each other even when we're fighting?"

Would something like that work?

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This type of name calling does not just happen during a fight. It's just random, and it's not always name-calling. Sometimes it's just put downs in general or generally crappy treatment. I swear the man is bipolar with all the flip-flops between nice to mean!

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You could still tell him in a calm and loving moment that you've been thinking about it and since you really love him, you're not going to call him names anymore even jokingly because you realize how much it can hurt. Then ask him to do the same.

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Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

As for examples...it's hard to explain but a conversation may go something like this:

 

"Why do you always have to be such a b**ch?" (or equally mean random and undeserved comment)

 

As long as you're sure you are not being a * * * * * to him then you need to cut it off here withough adding to the problem. Just say 'Please don't call me a b**ch, its rude and disrespectful.' If he says but you are one etc, say "I understand that you might feel that I have said or done something to hurt yor feelings but still, please find a different way of expressing how you feel without using a derogative term as I find it offensive."

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Amipushy: No, it's not that I'm doing anything to be a b**ch. This would just be a random comment from him. Apparently it's something that he finds funny. (See below)

 

Well I spoke with him about it last night. I told him very calmly that it hurts my feelings when he does that. I told him that I know he doesn't mean it (I'm not sure about that, but I didn't want to accuse him of purposely being mean), but that I would appreciate it if he wouldn't do it anymore.

 

So far so good right? Oh no...Let me just say that he used to say even worse things to me, and when I couldn't get through to him, I just learned to ignore it. But I THOUGHT that at this point (after 5 years of marriage) we had evolved in our relationship enough that we could just discuss the things that hurt or upset one another, and work on ways to resolve these issues.

 

Anyway...He said that it's something that he finds funny. That it's something he used to do with the guys. Well I can understand that, but then he went on to tell me that I am too emotional and that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve so much. He said I was starting to act "like I used to." At this point I wondered to myself, "Like before I stopped standing up for myself and became a total doormat?" So he just kept going on about how I was just taking it wrong, and that I was just nitpicking him, etc. etc....

 

I truly listened to what he said though. I tried to see his side of things; I thought maybe I WAS just nitpicking or nagging him. But when it was all said and done, he just said, "Fine. I'll fix it." I don't truly think he got it, and I NEVER heard an apology out of him. Then he sulked for the rest of the evening.

 

I just don't know how to explain to this man that just because he doesn't think something is mean or hurtful doesn't mean that someone else doesn't.

 

Sorry this is so long, but I'm at my wit's end! ](*,) Thanks for the comments everyone!

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I wouldn't be able to go on with a guy who thought calling me a b**** was funny and couldn't see my point of view or appologize for being hurtful.

Anyways, you'll see if it changes and now that you ARE the kind of girl who stands up for herself, you might end up standing yourself right out the door!! When one person grows up in a relationship and the other one doesn't, this kind of thing can happen. It's not a reason to stay with him if you get more and more turned off by his "sense of humor"

Good for you for saying something!! Way to go!!

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He said fine he'll fix it so take him at his word, if he does it again pick him up on it and keep on picking him up on it. Who cares if he sulks? He's just licking his 'I think I'm funny but I'm not' wound. It's not funny to call anyone a **** let alone the person you love especially when it hurts. I certainly wouldn't put up with that.

 

If he cares, he will spend some time thinking about his behaviour and want to change so he doesnt hurt you anymore or risk losing you. However, if he is persistent and makes no effort to fix it then you should consider reviewing the relationship because it will be unlikely that he can or wants to fix it.

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I think in weaker moments, when we think we are right, we cannot see the other person's point of view. Name calling isn't part of our "routine" but the "MY fault? this is YOUR fault!" has definitely happened.

In the end, after the cooling off, we are almost 100% able to see the other person's point of view on our own and can come back and take responsibility for our own actions.

 

good choice of words there.... i recently did that to my girlfriend.. and when she stood up for herself.. i then realize what an idiot i am.. i never wanted to be like that towards her and thats how it happened.. i knew what i did i apoligize sincerely to her.... and vowed never to let it happen again.... but some reason some people just end up going back to the same old way.. me im trying to not ever go back.. i dont want to lose someone i dearly love and i know she loves me just the same i just been so clouded to see it...

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I was told to "man up" (my friends and family think that's the stupidest thing they have ever heard), that other guys had asked her out, that she was too busy and it was my fault, just to mention a few things I was told. I was ignored a fair bit too.

 

She had also said she was scared I would leave, that I "could do better". It stands to reason that she felt bad about herself and wanted me to feel like that too so I wouldn't go anywhere.

 

Girl before that insulted my heritage, family, supposed level of intelligence and culture (o_O) and other things. "Nice guys finish last" was her motto.

 

Both had a pop at me and both were women I felt very strongly for. In fact, the first one I mentioned was "the one" to me when we first met. It hurt me a lot.

 

But then I am comfortable with who I am and don't need to prove my manhood, ambition or credentials or qualities as a human being to anybody, especially a woman. So when they left me in a position to take what I could with them or leave, I surprised them both and left.

 

I think they both knew how stupid they were afterwards but neither have apologised, nor have they admitted it. The point is that you should never be made to feel inadequate by anybody, especially your significant other. I am a passive guy for the most part but there is a lion in there and the truth is, you don't bait a lion chained to some rocks by baiting them and teasing like I have experienced. I don't like to know about other guys like that and I think of all the things said in both instances, that probably hurt more.

 

It took an heart to heart with my family before I made my decision to leave my last relationship but though I regret the way it turned out and wished she didn't behave like that, the truth is that I am much better off now. I deserve a good lady and someone who will treat me as I treat them.

 

And that is what I will say to anyone else on this thread who is being held hostage by the emotionally abusive tyranny that their partners put them through. Have the courage to leave, know you can do better and you will thank yourself in time.

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