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Does love really have a strategy?


waveseer

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I just don't get it. Why on earth would you not tell someone you love them and miss them? If they need to save face is it really love? Help me I am completely lost on this one. If you don't tell someone how you feel because you'd like them to tell you first, isn't that manipulation? I'm pretty sure you can count on me to never do that. You will always know where you stand with me. No guessing games, no false pride, no bs. I can't figure out why it would even be desirable to have an ex back that you got back via manipulation. What does that prove, that you are good at it? You can keep it. If I ever get back with my ex (I'd say the chance is just slightly greater than minute) it will be because he WANTS to and not because he was LED DOWN THE GARDEN PATH back into my arms.

 

I guess you could call this a rant! I feel like I just made some progress.

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I have wondered this one as well.

Maybe its fear of being the weaker one?

Saying you love them shows a moment of weakness?

 

I say the one who knows how they really feel deep inside and can communicate that without shame or remorse is the stronger one, no?

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I say the one who knows how they really feel deep inside and can communicate that without shame or remorse is the stronger one, no?

 

Yes and no.

You are the stronger one by showing you can love but you are also leaving yourself open to being hurt?

 

I personally have never said I love someone first.

But I can always tell it in their eyes and let it be known from mine.

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Yes and no.

You are the stronger one by showing you can love but you are also leaving yourself open to being hurt?

 

I personally have never said I love someone first.

But I can always tell it in their eyes and let it be known from mine.

 

That would explain all of the hurt, thank you.

 

I am not really a glutton for punishment, I simply believe that love unshared isn't really love. You can't hide your love away and expect it to grow.

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Possibly, but I can also see how a person would not want to rush into saying those things especially if they felt the other person wasnt yet ready to hear it.

 

Who doesn't want to be loved and missed? Even if they aren't feeling it themselves wouldn't that make you feel good that someone loves you and misses you?

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I am just saying if two people who are a bit early on in a relationship, a little hesitation might not be such a bad thing rather than to just blurt it out. It could make the other person feel bad because "they arent there yet". So maybe the person with the rushing feelings holds off for while until they feel like the other person is more on the same page.

 

 

now if you are like 6 mos in to a relationship and things are solid, I am totally on your side, go for it!!

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I am just saying if two people who are a bit early on in a relationship, a little hesitation might not be such a bad thing rather than to just blurt it out. It could make the other person feel bad because "they arent there yet". So maybe the person with the rushing feelings holds off for while until they feel like the other person is more on the same page.

 

 

now if you are like 6 mos in to a relationship and things are solid, I am totally on your side, go for it!!

 

I wonder though, even if the other person says it and you know you aren't there yet, wouldn't you have a pretty good idea if you were ever going to get there? I mean wouldn't you know by then for sure if you weren't going to get there? That would be a lovely natural time to end a relationship, when it becomes imbalanced. If on the other hand you are headed towards love then couldn't you respond with "I want to love you too."?

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Not always. I dated one fellow who wanted to marry me after four weeks. We had known each other for a long time and while I liked him, I honestly didnt know if that was the direction I wanted to go. I didnt know if he was someone that I wanted to love because I didnt know him that well.

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Not always. I dated one fellow who wanted to marry me after four weeks. We had known each other for a long time and while I liked him, I honestly didnt know if that was the direction I wanted to go. I didnt know if he was someone that I wanted to love because I didnt know him that well.

 

Pretty sure I wouldn't fall in love with a man at four weeks barring any ultra strange circumstances like cellmates or spaceshipmates or something where we spent the entire four weeks together. I'm also pretty sure that I wouldn't be likely to fall in love with him in the future because I would feel as if he fell in love with me without really knowing me and I would question the quality of his love.

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I guess you and I differ then, because I would want to know how he felt so I could make the best decision for myself. That's why people share feelings, not to strategically set up a lifetime relationship but to keep the other one up to date so everyone can take the best care of themselves as possible, no?

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I would never want anyone to purposefully hide what they feel. You are right for the long term, its not healthy. But I am just saying I would have totally understood it had he wanted to wait until, oh I dont know, month 2? lol.

 

I am also a big proponet of not waiting too long as well. I have had more than one man who after years of knowing them was like, "Man you know when we were first friends, I would have so dated you, I really liked you. I mean I know we are too good of friends now, but did you ever wonder what if?" WTH?

 

I guess I just feel like there needs to be a balace. My current told me pretty early on. Had he said it two weeks earlier I would not have been in the same place, but by the time he did, I was there and ready to say it back - well after getting over the shock that he said it first.

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Your current relationship is such a sweet story, I wish you all the best.

 

And I totally agree with you. The first time was a boy in gradeschool who went a whole grade not telling me he liked me. I don't know if it would have worked out for very long, but we were friends and I liked him well enough to give him a chance (whatever that means in gradeschool, lol).

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Waveseer, firstly I do not believe that true "in love" happens often.

 

I had two types of relationship in my post-teenager life: 1) twice I fell in love, and 2) I wouldn't be able to tell how many times I "worked myself into feelings to another". For #2 it is enough to feel that you want a relationship, then you consider where there is a chance of meeting a variety of candidates, go and meet and choose. Then after getting together time, strategically analyze a partner and cultivate emotions and feelings to them. Sounds horrific, but that what I was doing basically all my life after my First Love#1 dumped me.

 

My observations: For the type#2 relationships "i love you"s were far and few in between. I would also rather wait until a guy says it, some did say, some didn't. All in all I would see those relationship were prone to some manipulation I'd say. On my part I would say I was manipulating my own self more than a partner....Do I believe in love based on manipulation? No.

 

In #1 "In Love" relationship they were absolutely different. They were passionate, mutual, they were on a different energy level. In those I would say "i love you" in a time of intense feeling and also I'd say there is always a right moment for that declaration.. If my partner would say on this "I also want to love you" I would KNOW it is never going to happen. Why? See relationship type #2, obviously my partner i living through this experience with me, when I am in #1.

 

Also "they say" there are different types of love: love-compassion, love-admiration, love-pity even, love-care, love-lust, etc,etc,etc. May be it is so, but I think what people call love in those cases is actually just a positive relationship and nothing else.

 

Love is a miracle, it is like a song. It opens a world of possibilities, emotions, knowledge, different perspective, happiness. It is like all of sudden you have a beautiful talent... Does it take a special person to feel all this? Again, "they say" no, "they say" one needs to discover love in their hearts. May be it is true. But "In Love With Another" does take a special person, at least for me.

 

And, no manipulations. I wouldn't necessarily say that manipulative people are weaker... I would say they have different powers, and different needs. I am not sure they can love.

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Thank you so much for your perspective, I think I can see your point although as a self-described person as bolded I'm not sure I can truly relate to those whose worlds are not full of possibilities anymore, I don't even remember what that is like, maybe I never knew.

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Waveseer, I am not sure I understood you correctly. Are you saying that you can not experience love as described in the words that are in bold script?

 

I think, everybody's experience is unique. What I was trying to describe here, that in some relationship my feeling is navigated through my mind. I think something like he is awesome, he has that and that, he is so attentive, he is coming from a good family, our backgrounds are probably matching, etc." And i do get excited over it. And sometimes I do not analyze, I have a Feeling of Another. A Feeling of Presence. From the very beginning i feel i can relate.

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Waveseer, I am not sure I understood you correctly. Are you saying that you can not experience love as described in the words that are in bold script?

 

I think, everybody's experience is unique. What I was trying to describe here, that in some relationship my feeling is navigated through my mind. I think something like he is awesome, he has that and that, he is so attentive, he is coming from a good family, our backgrounds are probably matching, etc." And i do get excited over it. And sometimes I do not analyze, I have a Feeling of Another. A Feeling of Presence. From the very beginning i feel i can relate.

 

Sorry, I meant that I do love wholly and I do live in a world full of possibilities. I do have a feeling from the beginning but I don't let it cloud my judgement, I wait for the this and that to get really excited.

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I guess you and I differ then, because I would want to know how he felt so I could make the best decision for myself. That's why people share feelings, not to strategically set up a lifetime relationship but to keep the other one up to date so everyone can take the best care of themselves as possible, no?

 

Do you really go through life depending on what others tell you so that you can "take the best care" of yourself? Don't your own feelings tell you all you need to know?

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Do you really go through life depending on what others tell you so that you can "take the best care" of yourself? Don't your own feelings tell you all you need to know?

 

Sometimes I doubt my own perceptions and it's always good to hear the other person's point of view. I did post awhile back how refreshing it is to be more concerned with how I feel about the other person than with how they feel about me. But if you are in a relationship, sharing feelings is helpful.

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