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please help :(


missalin

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I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, we have had a lot of issues in the past with controlling and jealousy on his part, and continue to work on it. A few months ago I ran into a family friend (who is very close to my age) that I've always had a thing for. We've never done anything sexual (just hug), but our friendship seems to leaning more towards romance. When we hang out it seems more like dates and I'm developing really strong feelings for him, and he has told me he has strong feelings for me as well. I "cut back" on seeing him because I was feeling kind of guilty but I felt myself missing him a lot and caving in to go for coffee.

 

I'm worried about making a big change by breaking up with my boyfriend because things are getting better, but at the same time I think I could be a lot happier with someone else. Any advice on how to handle this, or similar situations would be GREAT!!!

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The fact that you are even considering leaving your current boyf of 3 years is indication to me that there is something missing there - don't ever feel obliged to stay with someone you don't want just because it is 'convenient' or 'safe'. Take the risk.

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i think its total b/s...Yea guy number one might have f'd up but thats not why you are leaving...You are leaving to upgrade. If you didn't have the chance to upgrade you would stay right where you are and deal with guy number one. how about you pick neither and try being single for a little while???

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lakeview has a point, but also consider that you are still young. Don't nail yourself down to just one guy because it will be hard to break up with him or because you've been with him for a long time.

 

But, also consider that this new guy is just that - New. New is always shinier and more appealing at first. Don't get confused just by this because this 'realtionship' is currently more attractive than your current boyfriend. You haven't cheated on your current bf yet, so you're all good there, but if you need to see this other guy, do break it off with the current bf, and don't leave him hangingn and wondering. At least let him know that you want to see other people.

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I may be a little jaded, but it sounds to me that while your side of the story is a bf who's jealous and controlling, his side may be a gf that doesn't know how to establish boundaries in a committed relationship and is actively looking to develop close relationships outside of the couple. I agree with everyone else that if you're not happy, you should breakup with your current guy, but it's a bit of a hollow cry for me to call your bf jealous when he has good reason to worry about you not being completely appropriate with other guys.

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I may be a little jaded, but it sounds to me that while your side of the story is a bf who's jealous and controlling, his side may be a gf that doesn't know how to establish boundaries in a committed relationship and is actively looking to develop close relationships outside of the couple. I agree with everyone else that if you're not happy, you should breakup with your current guy, but it's a bit of a hollow cry for me to call your bf jealous when he has good reason to worry about you not being completely appropriate with other guys.

 

THHHHHHHHAAAAANNNNNNKKKK YOU

 

this guy said exactly what i wanted to say but i didnt want to get flamed..i had a broad like this. She would flirt with anyone and if i got mad i was controlling.

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I agree with the last two posts, but there is a difference between being caring and concerned for your girlfriend and keeping her on a leash. I mentioned it in the original post to make it clear we have a lot of underlying issues that we are working on, which have kind of "pushed me away" and made me resent him. Granted, things are a lot better with those issues I still have that bit of resentment towards him for dealing with it for so long.

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I agree with the last two posts, but there is a difference between being caring and concerned for your girlfriend and keeping her on a leash. I mentioned it in the original post to make it clear we have a lot of underlying issues that we are working on, which have kind of "pushed me away" and made me resent him. Granted, things are a lot better with those issues I still have that bit of resentment towards him for dealing with it for so long.

Believe me, I understand how a build up of issues can lead you to think that the relationship is beyond repair. If that is the case and you would rather move on, then you should break up with your current guy regardless of your relationship with anyone else. It's not fair to keep him around until you line up someone else. If you do want to work through the issues with your current bf, then you need to stop seeing this other guy in any capacity (even as friends) and tell him that you are in a committed relationship and do not want to hear his declarations of his "strong feelings", because what you are doing now is cheating on your boyfriend, plain and simple. You and this other guy may never have even touched each other, but as long as you're with your current guy, your relationship with the other guy is inappropriate and most people would consider having flirty quasi-dates and talking about strong feelings with someone else cheating. It would certainly be hurtful and unfair to your current boyfriend if he were aware of what you're doing.

 

Sorry if this sounds judgmental, but I can't stand it when people don't impose proper boundaries when they're in a committed relationship. No one is forcing you to stay with your current bf, but if you do, you owe it to him not to be on the lookout for a better deal. And I understand you've always "had a thing" for this other guy and I know you can't turn off attraction, but when I commit to be faithful to someone, I try my damndest to avoid even being around people that I've always "had a thing" for in the past because that's how trouble starts.

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Fair enough, no apologies are necessary for expressing an opinion that I asked for

 

I realize that even though there is no physical cheating going on, the emotional "cheating" is the same, if not worse. And now that I think about it, a year ago if I ran into him even though I've always liked him I never would have thought of breaking up with my boyfriend. I think it was my cheap way of wanting to get out which isn't fair to both parties involved.

 

ANYWAY, basically thank you... I thought about it a lot last night and realized I need to end it with both and take some alone time.

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5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – ...
5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – Spotting A True Friend

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