My Ex is Getting Married, Urgently Need Advice.

[Nonpareil]

Hey everyone,

 

This is my first post here, though I've been lurking and thinking about posting for the past 1.5 months. I'm not going to go into all the messy details about the break up. It was drawn out, I handled it very well. No begging or pleading, etc.

 

Anyway, towards the end of our relationship she met this guy who she sold her old car to. They became friends and such, and started hanging out. Long story short, she's marrying him on Thursday--she sold her car to him 3 months ago.

 

I'm at a total loss. I really don't know what to do. I don't think I would ever want to be with her again after everything, anyway--but I feel like I'd regret doing nothing at all. The odds that she wont regret going through with this are astronomical. One of the reasons for the breakup was I was her first serious relationship (we had been together for 4.5 years), and she wanted to experience being on her own. I know that's a common line from dumpers, but mutual friends confirmed she felt that way. (They're just as shocked about the marriage).

 

I'm sure this post is very scattered, and I apologize. I'm just overwhelmed. More details: she's 21, he's 26. He just left his fiance 8 days ago to be with her, and they're getting married this Thursday.

 

Thanks.

[Qut81]

I hate to sound negative but overlapping relationships usually NEVER work out. So dont feel bad..most likely it wont last.

[hockeyboy]

They are most likely making a mistake, but regardless it's not your concern.

 

I guess I'm confused on what it is you need advice on exactly?

[Cheeks18]

Let her make that mistake, I wouldn't worry about it, it really seems to me like they are immature.

 

If it lasts I will be in total shock.

 

So whats your question?

[SpeedingCars]

I agree with Qut81.

 

It doesn't sound so promising...

 

The guy left his fiancee 8 days before marrying this other girl? Who's to say he won't leave your ex for someone else or vice versa?

 

Let her make her own mistakes while you focus on healing!

 

The best thing you can do: NOTHING.

[savignon]

As a concerned person who cares about her, you could see if she wants to go for coffee to chat or something before her "big day". It would be a bad idea to judge them or point out all the ways this raises red flags. You could gently tell her that you really care for her and are concerned about her rushing into a marriage fresh out of such a long relationship and that at the same time you want her to be happy. I'm sure her friends and parents are raising some questions as well for her.

In the end, it's her decison and whatever happens as a result will be her problem. Since it seems like you really care for her, I'd offer her a coffee date or something so that I could at least say I tried.

[greensleeves]

Welcome to ENA!

You mentioned in your post that you think you'd regret doing nothing at all...what is it that you have in mind? It sounds like they're both acting a little irrationally, but there isn't much you can do about it. I imagine that this hurts alot, but if you've handled the breakup well up to this point, try really hard not to let this be a set back for you. She's going to live her life and if she's making a terrible mistake, so be it.

 

Focus on yourself and your own future. Keep moving forward.

[nutbrownhare]

I guess that everyone who's been dumped, or even when a relationship has ended mutually, is going to experience a lot of pain on feeling 'replaced'. Somehow it seems to double the sense of loss. The fact that she's going to get married so soon after must make these feelings more intense.

 

When you say 'I feel like I'd regret doing nothing at all' - what are you thinking of doing? Other than grieving and carrying on with your own healing, I can't think of anything you could do which wouldn't make you feel worse in the long run.

 

Her new relationship is very unlikely to last - but let that be their problem, not yours.

[Nonpareil]

To everyone asking about what advice I was looking for...a few of you got it.

 

I feel like I owe it to her as her best friend for the past 4.5 years to at least understand where she's coming from. I'm really worried about her, and a marriage isn't something that just dissolves easily.

 

She told me about it yesterday and I just couldn't handle it, so I didn't ask any questions, and I escaped as quickly as possible. I don't want to try to talk her out of it, because it'd obviously be futile. I guess I just want to know that she's at least thought it through. I mean...I know how crazy that seems. She obviously hasn't thought it through too much. They've been an actual couple for like...2 or 3 weeks.

 

Heh, so maybe people are confused because I'm confused as well. I'm just sad. It seems like such a hasty decision and I don't want her to hurt in the future. If I had to choose a question, it'd be: Should I try talking to her about it, or just wash my hands of it completely?

[savignon]

If I had to choose a question, it'd be: Should I try talking to her about it, or just wash my hands of it completely?

My vote is yes, talk to her about it. Not to try to talk her out of it. Just say, like you said here, "We've been friends for a long time and there's a lot of care and love here" (or whatever you want to say) and say that you're concerned for her. Tell her that as an outsider, x, y and z seem alarming since she's not a hasty decision maker typically and ask her if she's sure about she's doing.

I got engaged six months after meeting my fiancee and one or two good friends asked me very politely "are you sure?" and I was. I appreciated that those people cared enough to take that risk and give me the opportunity to talk about how I was feeling. If I hadn't been sure, I would've especially appreciated it!!

Let us know what you decide and best wishes!!

[greensleeves]

I wouldn't talk to her about it other than to wish her well. If she's marrying this guy so quickly, she's thought it through as much as she's able to and they're probably both really in the infatuation stage. She may be making a huge mistake, but it's her decision to make. I'm sure that others are having the same concerns as you, including her parents, and I think that any words of advice would be better coming from them.

 

Sometimes you just have to step back and allow people to mess up.

[Nonpareil]

Yeah...it'd be one thing if they were getting engaged. Even that is speedy after 3 months. But they're getting married this week. It seems pretty crazy. Your advice is sound--I'm mostly worried that no matter how I present it, she's going to view it as an attack on her. She's been extremely irrational since the break up. I guess it doesn't much matter at this point, anyway. I have no hope to reconcile, nor do I have much hope of ever being friends again after this. It's more of a last ditch effort.

[Nonpareil]

I wouldn't talk to her about it other than to wish her well. If she's marrying this guy so quickly, she's thought it through as much as she's able to and they're probably both really in the infatuation stage. She may be making a huge mistake, but it's her decision to make. I'm sure that others are having the same concerns as you, including her parents, and I think that any words of advice would be better coming from them.

 

Sometimes you just have to step back and allow people to mess up.

 

Just saw this as well and thought I'd point it out. I'm almost 100% certain she hasn't told her family, which worries me as well. She's making this decision without any feedback from her support system.

[savignon]

I'm mostly worried that no matter how I present it, she's going to view it as an attack on her.

I guess that's where you have to start telling yourself that you're doing it for yourself as much as for her. So that you can say you tried and acted on your care towards her. If it doesn't stick, well, that's ultimately her problem.

You can say that you acted as her friend and as someone who cares about her. If her parents don't even know, that's another red flag since she's not even telling people who would likely be sitting her down for a serious talk.

Maybe she told you b/c she wanted your reaction?

Regardless, do it for your own peace of mind.

[Macleod]

I know what you're going through, man..My ex of 8yrs claimed the same escape route and within 5 months of our break up, married the guy she cheated on me with.

 

The pain and heart break is epic.

 

There's nothing you can do about it, just initiate NC if you already haven't, and let it go. No facebook, myspace, texts, phone calls...Just move on and minimize your suffering.

[Nonpareil]

Well, I just finished talking to her about it. All it did was demonstrate that I didn't know what I was expecting the conversation to do. At the very least I've made the effort, and I now know there's no point in getting involved in it any longer. I don't think I'd be satisfied with any response she gave me, no matter how detailed or elaborate.

 

She seems happy enough about the whole thing--she admitted it was pretty irrational, but her explanation was that they had both been in 'long-engagement-esque' relationships and they hadn't worked out, so they wanted to try it differently. I'm still skeptical: I do think she's making a mistake. I don't see how it's going to work out when they're still both in the early honeymoon stage...but at least I know I tried to see eye to eye with her, and I've done as much as I really can.

 

She's still finishing up her master's degree. I was worried she'd drop out in light of everything. I don't know what else to say. I'm utterly crushed, and it makes me sad to think that years from now she might be in a broken marriage, not strong enough to leave...but I guess the only thing left to do is move on, right?

[WomanWriter]

I am just stunned. You are handling this unbelievably well for someone in your situation!

 

She wants to "try something different" by getting married? As if she couldn't do that to you.

 

I'm sorry, I know you love her, but something seems off here. She sounds really clueless and I know you want to help her, but I think it's beyond remedy if this is the way she's thinking.

 

It's great that you are being so understanding, but I wonder if that is one of the problems she has....maybe you are TOO understanding. You know, you do have a right to be angry in all of this. Do you think she figures you may not care that much since you are seeking to understand rather than reacting?

 

I'm not saying you SHOULD get mad, just throwing that out there as a possibility for why she may not really see the seriousness of her actions.

 

Well, try to hang in there. I don't know quite what to say except I can feel your heart-break. This is tough one!

 

You really deserve much better than this, but right now all you can think of this woman's mistake...that's OK, just feel your feelings but try to take care of yourself too.

[Nonpareil]

Thanks for the kind words. Everyone has been surprised by how well I've been handling the break up in general. I think a lot of it is because I agree with her leaving me. I didn't have any real direction, and am about to graduate from college. She's always been very motivated and hard-working, so it was difficult for her. I'm very intelligent and I've been squandering so much of my potential.

 

The good news is the break up was the catalyst that forced me to get my life together. The bad news is it makes it difficult for me to be angry with her, and I'll probably carry regrets that it was too little too late for a very long time...

 

I agree something is off. It's obvious, which is another reason why it's so painful. I'd be surprised if she doesn't end up regretting this decision somewhere down the line. I don't know. It's been difficult for me to get too emotional about the whole thing, which is weird, because I've always been an emotional person. I just feel like I've been slowly shutting down since this whole thing happened.

 

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I really appreciate all the kind words from everyone here. They do help. I'm sure you'll all be hearing plenty from me in the coming months.

[baffled]

Question, based on WomanWriter's post. Does anyone ever feel like the "best" thing to do when an ex breaks up with you and completely screws you over in one way or another is to show some anger (if you want to get back together)? Not over the top or anything, but at least express your feelings that what they did was complete BS. Sometimes I wonder if mine lost some respect for me after the breakup. Based on her behavior I thought she was just really mentally unstable (actually I still think she is/was and her family thought so too), so rather than being angry at her and calling her out on things I was worried about her and basically let her know she could come back if she wanted.

 

And it does seem like the breakups that end in fights lead to reconciliation more often then someone getting dumped, getting emotional, and begging to get back together. Thoughts?

[savignon]

I think that if you feel some anger and disappointment, it should be expressed. You could send her an email or letter that ultimately wishes her well and thanks her for the "catalyst" she provided for your to get your life together. At the same time, you can tell her that you are hurt and concerned. I do wonder like Womanwriter if you're being SO calm that she's not really hearing you??

[Nonpareil]

I think that if you feel some anger and disappointment, it should be expressed. You could send her an email or letter that ultimately wishes her well and thanks her for the "catalyst" she provided for your to get your life together. At the same time, you can tell her that you are hurt and concerned. I do wonder like Womanwriter if you're being SO calm that she's not really hearing you??

 

I've definitely expressed disappointment, along with bouts of anger--we actually had an explosive argument on the phone last Friday that ended with me telling her to screw off and hanging up. Her family apparently does know, and they all tried to talk her out of it as well. I don't see what my talking to her would do. She was already getting cagey with me even when I was being polite.

 

I don't know, it's all very difficult for me. I vacillate between anger, feeling nothing, and sadness. The thing that makes it difficult with my ex is that she's always been one to make a decision, and then tenaciously stick to it. I feel like anything I'd say at this point would be superfluous--and more importantly, I don't think she'd listen. I was with her for a long time, and I've learned she's not the type of person to take advice to heart when she's stuck on something. There have been countless times where I've warned her about a decision, only for her to ignore the advice and come back and apologize when the situation would explode in her face.

[savignon]

Well, at this point, it's her decison and the consequences are hers to bear.

Sorry you're hurting. I'm glad you did what you thought was right! You'll meet someone else better suited for you....just don't marry her the next week