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eJay

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Hi. I'm a 28 year old guy, married for two years but together with my wife for seven. In April of 2008, I found out that she was having an affair with one of my friends. It was devistating to me at the time, but I've since pretty much dealt with it. We've been through counseling, we've worked it out, we've moved on. Or so I thought.

 

Just recently, I saw a text message on her phone to a guy she works with. It was sent just before she came home from being out with her friends.It was a little vague, but basically it said something along the lines of "Thank you for having so much respect for me. It must have been hard not to. I was pretty tempting. Pressin my luck" I thought about what that could mean and I figured the only thing it could mean was that she was coming on to him and he told her he had too much respect for her to do anything since she was married.

 

I confronted her about it, and she told me that she was texting him while she was out and she was just messing with him. That it was all words. She didn't mean any of it. She tells me that he was drunk and he said something to her about how he was attracted to her but he couldn't do anything because she was married. That doesn't explain her text message she sent.

 

From the first experience, I learned what red flags to look out for and to me, this was a pretty big red flag. Of course, like last time, the waterworks started and she told me how I was the only one for her, she couldn't bear to lose me, I was her world, etc. And she told me that she couldn't do that to me again after seeing how badly it hurt me the first time. So I'm pretty confused.

 

Basically, I guess the only thing for me to do is to leave her. As of right now, she thinks most of it has blown over. But it hasn't. I just haven't really talked to her again because it's hard to talk to someone who is gushing like crazy, especially with two little ones around. Any advice? Basically, I don't feel that I can trust her AT ALL anymore and I just don't want to live like this. I thought these feelings were in the past, that I'd conquered them, but this just opened an old wound all over again. Only this time, I'm better prepared and I have thicker skin. Doesn't hurt as bad as it did last time.

 

So what is your take? She sound like just someone who will continue to mess around behind my back? If so, why won't she just take me up on my offer to split up? She can see all the men she wants, do whatever she wants, no one to tie her down. Any advice for me? Thank you.

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I think you should leave her. Seems like she will most likely do it again. Maybe you guys should separate for a while so that you can figure out what you want. One day she might end up leaving you for someond else. It seems like you're a great guy & you deserve to be with someone who really loves & appreciates you.

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There is a big difference between just being in a relationship and being married. Both can hurt, but when a marriage ends there is simply more at loss.

 

you need to take some time off and go on your own for a bit. go camping, fishing, or simply stay at a hotel for the weekend. Think about things. Write down the good & the bad about her, compare the list, and ask her to do the same.

ie: positives/negatives of being married versus getting divorced.

 

you've been through counseling, might have worked that time, but obviously she has gone back to her ways.

Maybe she does not realize the severity of the problem, and what she is really doing to your marriage.

 

I am of the opinion that once someone cheats, they will most likely do it again and again, she maybe thinks that just because you forgave her once you'll do it again.

I absolutely understand that you don't trust her, and so you shouldn't she has abused your trust. Living together, without trust and thinking every single day what she is up to, who she is talking to, will drive you mad.

 

Make sure, you really WANT to make it work, and make sure she does, if you decide on getting counseling again, then set some rules, set boundaries that she CAN not cross. you're not a toy and should not be treated as such.

If it does not work then, I'm sorry but maybe a divorce might be in order. It will be hard, painful, messy, but you will have your dignity, your self respect and your mind will be at ease.

 

best of luck.

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You have a 95% likely chance of getting cheated on again. The way it sounds is that right now she can be playing mind games with you and the promise of not cheating ever again was that she got caught in her lies and just wanted to save her behind. She's not into changing. If you want to still work on the marriage then make sure she's on the same page else divorce would be the final option. You can't be living like this in distrust and frequently thinking with who is she talking to, when will she cheat again. That will only give you migraines.

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Thanks for the replies, everyone. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to leave her, she just doesn't know it.

 

See, the last time we went through something like this (Of course it was an all out affair not just talking like this time) there was all this gushing, crying, hysterics, etc. and I just want to avoid that this time. That, and I don't want my conscience being worked on by her because by the time my life is in order enough to make the move, she may very well talk me out of it.

 

Rather, I'm planning things quietly, slowly and wisely so that when it does come time to leave, that's all there is to it and everything is prepared.

 

I've learned that, no, I don't want to make this marriage work. Not anymore. Like I said, I'm almost 29 years old so there's not exactly a ton of time left to find what I'm looking for. And I don't want to waste the rest of my prime in a BS marriage like this one.

 

What I've done is requested that she take texting off her phone (requested, not demanded) and she did. Then, I asked her to go to counseling herself because I feel she has some issues that she needs to work on. And she's agreed to that as well and even made herself an appointment with the same place that we went together to a year ago.

 

I know that might seem wrong since I know I'm leaving anyway, but I do feel that it will help her in the long run to get her own emotions and feelings in order. She told me, and I've heard this from her before, that she didn't realize how serious what she was doing was. So if that's the case, obviously the married life isn't for her no matter how much she seems to think it is.

 

Like petite said, there's a big difference between a relationship and a marriage. If you're not willing to sacrifice some things, you shouldn't be married. And if you're married and still feel the urge to do the types of things she's doing, you shouldn't be married as well.

 

I'm planning on doing everything calmly and gently, so hopefully the transition of moving out will be easy.

 

Thanks again.

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ejay, you should like you know what you're doing and that you have a very sensible head on your shoulders. You know your boundaries, and your wife clearly disrespected you and your marriage. I wish you the best of luck in recovering! She sounds like the type who falls into "Once a cheater always a cheater" category, which in my opinion, 99% of cheaters fall into. Once they get into that pattern of lies, see that they can get away with it again and again, it's hard to change such bad morals, values, and habits. She's no catch.

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Why are you perpetrating a fraud? She thinks by doing what you ask then you will stay. You don't have to worry about her keeping her side of the street clean only you keeping your side clean. You are in the act of betraying her confidence. Do you realize you are taking revenge and justifying it by pointing out her poor behavior?

 

If you want to leave, leave. You don't need to play games.

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hat I've done is requested that she take texting off her phone (requested, not demanded) and she did. Then, I asked her to go to counseling herself because I feel she has some issues that she needs to work on. And she's agreed to that as well and even made herself an appointment with the same place that we went together to a year ag

 

[/b]You Know it might seem wrong..and yes it is very..

 

I think this post is crazy!! I cannot believe you are leaving your wife over this text!!! And that you are being so darn cruel to give her this false sense of confidence in your marriage by requesting text messaging be removed which she did and the counselling??? are you narcisstic??? or just plain vengeful This poor women .yes she made a mistake in the past and yes this text may have been a little compromising overall it was possibly only a drunken flirtatious conversation . Inappropriate yes very!!..But TO SET HER UP like this emotionally!,.. with the INTENTION of helping her..please, ....It reminds me of the SAW movies...When the victims are offered a chance at survival and go to painful steps to save themselves only to learn its all pre calculated and they have been set up to die anyway!!!! That is how I see this. While you are calmly planning your escape..This is not humane, this is PURE revenge in a heartless evil way....She will be devastated..totally..what an awful set up and to think your own wife is the main player set up by her own husband!!!. Show some forgiveness for goodness sake..I can hardly bare to think about this...Yes she hurt you deeply in the past, but this is not the way...do you really have a clear conscience over this???? Revenge is bittersweet...

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I have to say loulee does have a point. I think ejay is taking the right steps, but he should just sit her down and tell her

 

"I am leaving you, there will be no discussion I have 100% made up my mind. You are a cheat, you have instilled no confidence in me since your last escapade and it seems you are doing it again or at least thinking of it. (Any married person should be quite obtuse when they are hit on and make it 110% clear "I AM MARRIED, GO AWAY") I will be gone by X Date. I can no longer trust you, the thoughts of what your up to behind my back are driving me crazy and are making me ill and depressed."

 

Or something to that effect. As a decent human you will feel very bad when and if she takes the news badly..but what is key to remember, and I say it like this because its true and as crude as her disrespect for you. When she is having her hole or holes filled by other men, she is not thinking of you!

So no matter how much she begs, cries and promises not to do it again you have to be impervious to it.

 

If you have any doubt at all, if you think she will really change then back down and set some strict rules with a one strike and out.

No matter how strong you are this is going bite sooner or later. All I am saying is when you leave please ensure you are doing for the right reasons. I gave my last partner numerous chances, but she still carried on after tears, begging, changing numbers at great expense only for her to give him the number again, cheat on me lied to me, laughed at me, Hotel Sex with her lover the whole god dam thing, and you know I still feel sorry for her!.

 

Also don't make her go through stuff and give her a false sense of security, just tell the woman.

 

Hope it all works out

Jason

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ejay,

 

I've read your plight and I think I know what's happening here. I was in an incredibly similar situation.

 

You're a nice guy and your emotions are playing tricks with you. You know you have to leave this woman, she's a cheat, a liar and your relationship is a deception. You're such a nice person, you're having trouble being mean or assertive.

You need to step up. Don't do what you have proposed. You're only trying to relieve your anxiety by having some type of long drawn-out plan. Trust me when I say you need to tear the bandaid off.

 

I think you know what needs to be done. The longer you think about that plan you came up with, the more you'll realize it isn't feasible and will never work. My bet is that you're already in the process of detaching emotionally. Once that happens, you'll forget all about this plan, trust me.

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To snomanI wonder if your response would be the same if it was you this was happening to and not the OP.

 

yes my response would be the same. I have been cheated on 3 times in long relationships.

I myself have been very loyal to every partner and never cheated. So one would expect me to say if I were biased to dump her fast. I have not suggested at any time that he does not leave her if that is what he feels he needs to do. I am clearly focusing on the complete SET UP to have his wife believing that she is taking steps to salvage their marriage and the whole time its basically just a scheme under the guise of helping her. This is clearly wrong...Honesty is the best policy. I dont think anyone on here would disagree with the value of honesty as opposed to underhanded scheming for obvious revenge....two wrongs do not make a right..and if the hubbie is leaving her he will be proud of himself down the track that he did not set his wife up under false pretenses regarding their marriage.it is always nice to walk away with your dignity intact and even more so integrity as a decent human being. I dont think marriages are a game..his wife has certainly not taking this one seriously I do not support her cheating...regardless...this is not the way, and I stand by my post very strongly.he should not drop to her standards.. Walk away proud and dignified not smug and vengeful...

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