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regret.


unhealthy2bme

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I've been with the same girl for almost 2 years, and they have been the very best years of my life. It started off when she and her best friend got an apartment together (they just left home), and she invited me to see the place. We had what could be considered as a fling in highschool, even though I never understood what she saw in me. She's just so pure... Anyways, after that day, I never wanted to leave her. So I was practically with her every chance i could get, and nothing made us happier. I practically moved in. I learned what it was like to fall in love, and to be loved in return, and life was perfect... We had our ups and downs, but we would always tell eachother, "we'll get through anything as long as we want to", and it held true.

 

The past few months we've grown distant. She and I moved into my parents home, and eventually got our own apartment where we've lived together for the past few months, and she's practically taken care of me, while I grew more and more distant. She loved me so much, and I couldn't figure out what was holding me back... It was like I had become stuck somewhere along the way, and I couldn't figure out what I needed to keep moving again. I was so obsessed with figuring things out on my own, I didn't even realize we never really communicated anymore.

 

Thinking back to when we first starting seeing each other, we would wake up at like 3 in the morning and just talk and talk for hours, and it was amazing how quickly the time flew past. So I felt like we were falling out of love, and I could rationalize with myself that it just sometimes happens with time... In my mind I'd given up i guess.

 

So we were invited to this party, and I drank more then I'd ever drank before... And like an ass I started talking to some people, strangers really, about my previous girlfriend, and all the issues I still had from that relationship. My girl came up to me during my rant, and walked away from me, and thats when I start forgetting everything. I yelled at her "Fine, I'll go!", and stormed off.

 

I walked in the rain for hours, laid out on a dirt road for a bit. Finally I picked up my phone and it was my friend asking me to come back and to talk to him. I managed to pick myself up, and stumble back with some difficulty. I had already forgotten about the scene I had caused earlier. When I got back I could tell just from the mood that I had done something, so I left again. This time my friend came to try and talk to me.

 

I don't remember what we talked about exactly. We did end up back at his place, where I passed out in a chair in his room, while he went back to the party.

 

I came to a few hours later with him and a girl he was with having sex. At first it felt awkward, especially when they realized I wasn't passed out anymore. I tried to lessen the awkwardness with my stupid humor, thinking it was a joke. It ended up with me being in the bed beside them, touching and kissing her... I never felt so sick with myself, but at the time I told myself it was the booze. After maybe 5 minutes it was all over, with me still clothed, but no less disgusted with myself. I found my phone, and realized my girl had been trying to get a hold of me for the 2 hours prior, because she disn't have keys, and she couldn't get into our place. I walked to our apartment, let us both in, and slept on the couch.

 

That morning I felt like I had just shot an angel. I'd been unfaithful to the one person in the world that I truly loved, and who truly loved me in return. Telling her was the hardest thing I've ever done. I explained it pretty much the same way I did above, although probably in different words. The things she yelled at me, were like knives piercing my own heart, because they were all true, and they were all coming from her. This is what pain is. I can't change the past no matter how much I wish it. I hate myself. I feel like the world hates me. And I wish she would hate me...

 

She told me she still loves me, and that their is no trust between us anymore. We've done nothing but talk for the past day and a half, and that's when I clued in. The missing piece was our lack of true communication. We hadn't connected like this in months. She told me after I had left the party, that she had broken down and cried with other people doing their best to comfort her. This brought more waves of pain I clearly deserve. But we eventually talked about other things too. Things we didn't realize we were feeling, and even laughed together for a bit.

 

Her plan is to move out and take some time. Her friends have offered their homes to stay in until she finds a place, but she has turned them down. I finally see our relationship issues, that I was so blind to before, and now its too late. I want to give her what she needs, but I don't want to lose her... What should I be doing? Can we fix this? I'm willing to do everything it takes...

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I finally see our relationship issues, that I was so blind to before, and now its too late. I want to give her what she needs, but I don't want to lose her... I'm willing to do everything it takes...

 

Did you tell her this? If not, you should. Beyond that, you can't control what she decides to do. It sounds like things started going downhill when you stopped communicating. For some reason you clammed up and kept to yourself. You regret doing that now, and I'm sure if she took you back you would do everything you could to make the relationship work. But could you keep it up? What is stopping the same thing from happening in another few years when things get routine again? I think you need to figure out exactly why you stopped working on the relationship before you can fix it for good.

 

PS, your friend doesn't sound like that good of a friend. The best way to keep yourself faithful is to keep yourself out of tempting situations.

 

I hope things turn out the best for you.

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It sounds like you are truly remorseful for what you did, although you could have stopped yourself.

 

Despite this you cannot change what you have done. The break will do both of you good. She needs time to figure out what to do, whether to stay and piece together the broken trust or to leave you. The ball is completely in her court and you should respect what she wants to do now. I'm sure the news is overwhelming to her.

 

If she does decide to work things out, make sure that you do anything she asks for to be sure that you can rebuild trust. Tell her where you're going, give her calls and show her that you care enough to do whatever it takes. She herself would need to work on forgiving your actions and if she cannot do that then the relationship will never be the same.

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Wow. Yeah you could have stopped yourself. Also what kind of friend was that? You better do everything you can to win your girl cause in these times you should be grateful to love someone and have them love you back. You live you learn. If she asks for space give it to her. I dunno you F'd up. Badly.

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Wow. Yeah you could have stopped yourself. Also what kind of friend was that? You better do everything you can to win your girl cause in these times you should be grateful to love someone and have them love you back. You live you learn. If she asks for space give it to her. I dunno you F'd up. Badly.

 

I agree with this. I know no one is perfect and people make mistakes, but I honestly don't believe that there is any excuse for cheating. I hate when people blame it on alcohol as well. You have control over yourself, and if you make these decisions, you deserve the consequences. There isn't much you can do, but be willing to do whatever it takes to prove that you are going to be trustworthy again. It's hard though because betraying someone like that changes the relationship forever.

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Wow, your story seems similar to mine, but I'm on the opposite end of all that. My husband cheated on me, he did not have sex with the girl though. He is doing everything I ask to make up for it, but I still cant forget about it. This is something that is very hard to get over. The best advice I can give you is, don't for one moment think that the pain you feel is worse than what she feels.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Best word of advice I can give to you to tell her is that you acknowledge her. Tell her you are sorry for what you have done and that what you did was thoughtless, you barely remember what happened, not that this is a good excuse, and that you want to do whatever it takes to right this wrong. That you regret your actions and you cannot believe what you did, but that you will honor her right to be alone.

 

Now the following I'm telling you for your ears only.

 

She needs A LOT of time and needs you to give her that time without you demanding her attention. She is not the same angel, nor is she going to give you what you received from before. But in spite of how difficult it will be it doesn't mean that she is ready to move on.

 

The next few months can make or break you and I know as I have been in a similar situation except my man did not admit he cheated. We are currently in the process of either breaking up or fixing things. And no it is never easy to be in that situation.

 

Your best efforts, like her best efforts, can crash and burn. She is probably wondering what on earth she did to you that caused you to react that way.

 

Women at this point are just blaming themselves because they love their man so much. But now you are both growing and maturing. I do not envy where you are right now, but having been there before I know this is something everyone experiences in their perfect relationship.

 

Also now is not the time to be looking at other women or dating. Even if she pushes your help away, unless she says it's better to split and she doesn't love you anymore, it's probably more important now to stay clean and not do anything else you'll regret. If you need a distraction play video games or bury yourself in school and work. But until she declares an end to the relationship, it's best to be as celibate as possible.

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I may be more forgiving but actually I don't forgive anyone. I forgive good personalities and people who make an effort to change something that should be changed.

 

For those who want to forgive but can't they need to grow up themselves rather than feeling that they are the victim and he is the big bad wolf.

 

This said, OP's response, his remorse is everything. If he is genuinely sorry then that means much more than if he was blaming it on alcohol or even his girl.

 

As terrible as it was the OP was at least brave enough to admit he did something wrong and that he should be the one to foot the blame.

 

I don't know many females willing to foot the blame. Usually it is always the man's fault.

 

If I had to be in a relationship with someone who was Mr. "I am perfect and I have done nothing wrong" vs "I've screwed up before but I'm willing to make amends" I'm willing to take the latter. The former has proven absolutely nothing to prove to me he can be wrong, and if you're a HUMAN BEING you will commit sins and you will do some nasty * * * * to someone else. To think that is impossible means you've got a nice big chip on your shoulder and that you're one of the least likely individuals to improve.

 

What separates such an individual from the latter is that the latter is willing to improve. The former would be too stubborn especially when they think they are perfect.

 

For those who have been wronged and are stuck in the victim mentality, you mature, you grow up, AND you realize you can be wrong as well. Sometimes just as much.

 

As a woman I grew up the day I realized I wasn't a "perfect" victim. About time some people on here did that too.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A month has gone by, and we have since split up. I found out later that she cheated on me the same night, and I found out from someone else. When I confronted her about it, she became defensive, angry, and then extremely depressed. Lol talk about true love... Anyways, now we are both on the path where we can both heal, and I'm sure we will be fine. Thank you everyone for your advice and support.

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A month has gone by, and we have since split up. I found out later that she cheated on me the same night, and I found out from someone else. When I confronted her about it, she became defensive, angry, and then extremely depressed. Lol talk about true love... Anyways, now we are both on the path where we can both heal, and I'm sure we will be fine. Thank you everyone for your advice and support.

 

Wow, talk about the pot calling the kettle black (in terms of her). It's best to move on to someone new and start a fresh relationship. I wish you the best.

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