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I have closed the door for good


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I've realized that my relationship was doomed for failure, given the people that we were. Since breaking up with my ex, I have changed and gotten better. I've constantly been fixing my problems and striving to become a better person. I'm pretty happy with the way my life is right now. I've never looked better. I've barely thought of my ex, until recently, when his mother contacted me.

 

Apparently, my ex's life has taken a turn for the worse. He has lost his job and has been getting disillusioned with his "religion". He has also replaced me with one of our mutual guy friends. My ex calls him everyday and tells him everything that he is feeling/doing. It stung a little, when I heard that, but I got over it quickly. I found out from the mutual friend that my ex's relationship with his mother has gotten really bad since we broke up. That is the reason why she wants to meet with me. I think she either wants my input or my comfort. Either way, I don't really want to meet with her. However, that's not why I'm sad.

 

I'm sad, because I guess deep down in my heart I still somewhat hoped that he would get his act together, so that we could be together again A LOT further down the road. I guess I was holding onto that hope, because I still harbour the naive ideals that I had as a child of only having one true love. I know now that it's finally over for good. I don't have any hopes left of being with him again. It has become apparent that he will never change and he does not have what it takes to be in a healthy, happy relationship.

 

Two months ago, I would've been happy to hear that he's miserable without me. I was afraid that if he was happier without me that he wouldn't want me back. However, since I've been focusing on myself, I've really changed into a more beautiful, optimistic, and healthy person and I know if he met me now, he would definitely want me back. So it just makes me sad to know that I can never go back to him, because he hasn't healed himself yet and it looks like he never will. He keeps looking outside of himself for guidance and happiness and he keeps blaming others for his misfortunes. That's why I am so happy that he was the one to leave the relationship, because that shocked me into learning very valuable lessons about myself and life in general. I've realized that only I can make myself happy and only I have the power to change my life. So I guess I have found my closure for good on this matter. I am moving to a new city to start law school soon, so I truly get a fresh start. I'm going to put my ex behind me and move on for good.

 

Anyway, I was just ranting here, because I needed to get that out and my friends have heard enough about this subject. If you read the entire thing, then thank you for your patience!

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sounds like you are in a good place and congrats to you.

 

It would be nice to hear what changes you've made and how your outlook has changed just to give others here some pointers and guidance on what has worked for you through the healing process.

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you raise a pretty good point. breakups are probably the most valuable experiences we can have as individuals. you're so right. they're the catalyst for transformation. if we're hurt enough...there is no other option but to look within...and there is no greater power than that.

 

sounds like you're in a great place.

 

i wonder...are you sad because he's not coming back to you...or are you sad because of where he's ended up? can you understand where he's at? he could be on the brink of a similar experience of looking within himself. if he's truly suffering...if he's truly miserable...then change will be his only option.

you may no longer hope that he can change for you...but can you hope that he'll change for himself...that he'll find a taste of the peace that you've found?

 

cheers

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he could be on the brink of a similar experience of looking within himself. if he's truly suffering...if he's truly miserable...then change will be his only option.

 

hurt isn't usually enough to prompt change, courage is the more important element and most people just don't have the courage to look deeply and make change.

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hurt isn't usually enough to prompt change, courage is the more important element and most people just don't have the courage to look deeply and make change.

 

courage comes from knowing...knowing comes from suffering. how can you have courage when you don't know what it means to be courageous...beyond a mere belief?

 

true suffering inspires courage.

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i wonder...are you sad because he's not coming back to you...or are you sad because of where he's ended up? can you understand where he's at? he could be on the brink of a similar experience of looking within himself. if he's truly suffering...if he's truly miserable...then change will be his only option.

you may no longer hope that he can change for you...but can you hope that he'll change for himself...that he'll find a taste of the peace that you've found?

 

cheers

 

I guess the answer to that is both. I'm sad, because of where he's ended up and I'm sad, because we will never be together again, because of that. It's kind of intertwined. I can understand where he's at, but I can understand WHY he's not changing. I know him better than anyone else. He never takes responsibility for his own actions. He always blames circumstances or others around him. That is why I believe he will NEVER change. He's missing that light bulb.

 

It's never him, it's everyone else. He's lazy and only wants to do something, if it's easy and guaranteed. He loves trying to find shortcuts for everything. He doesn't know how to perservere and struggle through something. He likes to run away from his problems, or find distractions so that he doesn't need to think about them. When it gets difficult, he quits, or loses interest. He depends on others to help him and show him the way and tell him what to think. He doesn't think for himself. He has abandonment and self-esteem issues, as well as some sort of daddy-complex, where he idolizes his father and believes that his father is ALWAYS right- even when his father does something blatantly wrong.

 

THAT is why our relationship ended (on his part, I know what role I played in it as well). THAT is why he will never change. Even if we don't get back together, if he came back to me and asked for my help, I would give it to him. I would try to help him find his way, even if it leads him away from me. I loved him enough to want him to be happy. However, he needs to make the first step. He needs to realize that the problem is within himself. The man joined a cult, enough said.

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that's beautiful. really. he's not ready to take that step...but he will be one day...even if it's the day he dies.

 

the rest of what you said...all very much indication of how wounded he is. that's not an excuse...it's a fact. based on what you've said about yourself...your own discoveries...i'm sure you an appreciate that. it's the way he is. it's the way he's always been. if you'd lived his life in his shoes you'd be exactly the same. one day he'll be able to acknowledge that he's hurt. that everything he does is in an attempt to protect himself from becoming hurt. he's unconscious...a prisoner to his own conditioning.

 

one day he'll look within himself.

 

nice to know that you've already done that for yourself.

 

thanks for sharing...very nice post.

 

 

cheers

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courage comes from knowing...knowing comes from suffering. how can you have courage when you don't know what it means to be courageous...beyond a mere belief?

 

true suffering inspires courage.

 

it does, but suffering can also inspire more suffering. i like the saying 'a slave is someone who waits for someone else to free him'. Courage to me is acting against your fear and not everyone is prepared to do that in life. some prefer to suffer, whether consciously or unconsciously

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it does, but suffering can also inspire more suffering. i like the saying 'a slave is someone who waits for someone else to free him'. Courage to me is acting against your fear and not everyone is prepared to do that in life. some prefer to suffer, whether consciously or unconsciously

 

And some people prefer to watch others suffer rather than get close to them.

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Excellent post, Eff. I'm really happy for you.

 

It's good to hear that you've come to terms with how things ended up and realized that you're better for it. For a while after hearing about your breakup, I thought you might take the whole thing the wrong way and become one of those jaded skeptics who see people as the sum of their assets rather than individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.

 

Not that a little skepticism is a bad thing... I think a healthy dose of reality is what we need every now and then... but you know what I mean.

 

It seems like things are getting better for me too lately. Things are moving forward in my life in a big way. Debts are getting paid off, plans are coming to fruition, and my play is ever closer to getting staged. Now, if I could just stop having dreams about her, everything would be peachy.

 

Again, thanks for the post, Eff. It's good to hear success stories that don't necessarily involve a reconciliation. Take care.

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