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Let go of the perfect girl for me or hold on?


notsogood

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Background: Dated this girl for 1.5 months then off again on again as "more than friends but less than dating" for another month. She just brokeup with her ex of 1.5 years 4 months ago but claims it has nothing to do with anything.

 

Ok to the story. So I basically think she is the girl of my dreams. Kinda corny right? Everything about her is what i'm looking for... everything. She has walls up because she compares everyone to her ex who she wanted to marry but will never get with because they have different religions. Half the time she is with me the walls are down and I feel a massive connection. The other half obviously not. She says the same. She isn't sure if there is a connection between us like her ex but sometimes she says she feels that connection.

 

So basically she keeps saying she wants us to keep flirting and hanging out until she is "ready" to start dating again and give it a proper chance. It's hard for me because half of me thinks I will never get that chance, half thinks I will. Also basically if there was such a thing as a soul mate she is it for me. No joke here.

 

She keeps saying don't let me hold you back, go date other people because she doesn't know how long she will take. I say I don't want to date other people but if someone else comes along i'll pursue it.

 

It's just so hard for me because it hurts that i'm not with her.

 

Sorry for the super long post. Any advice?

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She needs to find out if she prefers life with you or without you. Tell her you'd like to try an experiment and not talk for a month. Then check in. If nothing has changed, try another month (and so on). During these nc times don't stop yourself from seeing other women. Within six months you should know for sure.

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She doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship and that wouldn't be healthy for you.

 

Ask yourself why you feel that someone who 'has walls up' one minute and doesn't the next meets your criteria of a soulmate.

 

Well when she takes them down it's amazing. Does that make more sense or not?

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Yes, of course it makes sense. Very few people are non-compatible all the time. But you're looking past this persons obvious inability to be in a relationship.

 

And you discounting yourself by saying that she's perfect for you. Why is someone that is unavailable perfect for you? And she has told you to get on and go out with other people. Do you think your 'soulmate' would be someone that would tell you that?

You want someone that wants to be with you, dont you? She doesn't.

 

Too often we make excuses or overlook very simple things, those being what the other person is actually saying in blunt language.

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I think Waveseer has the right advice. This girl doesn't sound ready, but she does sound interested. Try not to pressure her or be impatient. Give her space. I was in that girl's position not too long ago. Not over my ex, even though a great guy was trying to win me over. I enjoyed dating him but my heart wasn't in it and I was confused. I wish I had had the sense to take time off before I started up with him, because I ruined things with him. I told him the same thing- date other girls, because I don't know how long it's going to take me before I'm ready. So he moved on and forgot about me.

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