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Hi guys.. I am a complete wreck right now and need to vent and hopefully get some encouraging words from you all.

 

Short background story - ( the full details can be found in my other posts) my ex and i were together for 2.5years. Had the most wonderful relationship, he was so loving and caring. Then 2.5 months ago he broke up with me because we wanted different things for our futures. I want to get married and have kids, and he doesnt. (we are both 27).. There were a few problems with the relatonship i will admit, he partied too much and at least one/two, three nights a month he wouldnt come home after partying with his mates. (i always knew where he was though). He wasnt as affectionate as i wanted. But all in all, there was a love of love and care and sparks in the relationship.

 

A week ago i got a txt message from him (after no contact for pretty much the whole 2.5 months). He went on saying how much he missed me and loved me so much, he was trying to change his way of thinking so he could be the person he needed to be for us to be together, that he was in bits and crying nearly everynight. I replied saying if he has any doubts for us to get together and talk and see if we could sort through our problems and if we wanted to, to start from scratch again, start dating slowly, not living together etc.. He came back saying that being together wasnt the issue, we could easily get back together but we still wanted different things for our futures. and in the end, both of us would end up hurt again.

 

I just dont understand why he would say all those things. I was doing so well in the months since we had broken up. I was so strong and i knew it was for the best, but now since i have heard from him, i am in pieces. The worst i have ever been. Even worse than when we actually broke up. Knowing we still love each other so much but we want different futures is the worst kind of break up i think. Because we want to be together but we just cant.

I am so angry that he has caused me to go backwards instead of forwards. Why would he tell me all those things, it just makes it worse. And now, all i can think of are the great times and forget that we wanted different things.

 

Im sorry for the long post, i tried to keep it short. I am hoping you guys can offer me some words of wisdom, some advice. I am in so much pain now i just dont know what to do.

 

Thanks for reading..

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It sounds like he is ambivalent. He loves you and misses you but still knows he is not on the same page as you re: goals for the relationship.

 

I think it does set the dumpee back when the dumper expresses their ambivalent feelings to us after a break up. It would be so much easier if they would only contact us when they are 100% certain about coming back, but I am sure that is extremely rare.

 

I understand exactly how you feel- I would feel the exact same way. Its like you are burdened once again with knowing he doesn't want to be with you. Its bound to hurt.

 

hang in there!

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There has to be a root of the problem. Are his parents divorced? Is he afraid of commitment? Does he never want kids or just not right now? You are both young but what does he plan to do, be single and live alone for the rest of his life?

 

If he does love you as much as he says he does, then wanting to spend the rest of his life with you shouldn't be out of the question.

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There has to be a root of the problem. Are his parents divorced? Is he afraid of commitment? Does he never want kids or just not right now? You are both young but what does he plan to do, be single and live alone for the rest of his life?

 

If he does love you as much as he says he does, then wanting to spend the rest of his life with you shouldn't be out of the question.

 

Yep, his parents are divorced and its a weird situation. They are still friends and have a family dinner once a week. He doesnt get on very well with his dad.

 

Right now he doesnt know whether or not he ever wants to have kids. thats the issue. He said maybe in the future his mind will change but if it doesnt, it isnt fair on either one of us.

 

When we broke up, and he has said it a few times since we have broken up also, he said he thinks his will be a bitter old and lonely person.. I think he is afraid of commitment, he thinks getting married and having kids is the be all and end all of life.. That when that happens, life ends and becomes boring. I just find it hard to believe that he is willing to give up on us and the love we have and as he put it, become old, bitter and lonely..

 

I just dont know what to say or how to get through to him. I just wish he could look at the bigger picture.

I am so messed up now, especially after finding out he is as miserable as i am and we still love each other both as much as we always have.

 

I just dont know what to do. I am a complete mess. All i want to do is run awau and hide, but when i am by myself, all i do is think about him, and us together and how great we were together.. And it makes me so upset. I just dont want to be here and go through all this. I cant imagine my life without him in it.

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is it really case a two people wanting different things, or is he just scared of love?

 

It really is a case of me wanting marraige and kids and him not completely sure. We are both a mess right now because we love each other so much.

 

It was so much easier before i heard from him. But to hear from him how much he loves me and wants us to be together but we cant because of this one thing is making it so hard for me.. I didnt realise until i got that message from him that he was feeling the same way. I had thought it was just an excuse to get out of the relationship, but now i know he is hurting and wanting to be together as much as me just makes it so hard..

 

After 2 days of messages going backwards and forwards, i told him to leave me alone as its too hard to hear all that from him but him not be willing to at least talk about it. (he said it would just make it worse seeing each other to talk). Was that the right thing to do??????

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I am in so much pain right now. I dont know how im going to be able to cope with this. I hate it. I cant function, i dont want to function. I just want to run away and not have to deal with this.

He was and is the love of my life. I cant imagine my life without him in it. I cant imagine never holding or kissing him again. I hate losing not only my lover, but also my best friend. The person i could depend on for everything, the person who supported me in everything i was doing. The person i loved unconditionally.

 

Why has this had to happen....

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I know exactly how you fee. Its so hard trying to get through the day after every hope and dream has been shatterd. The woman I was going to marry wlaked out about two months ago, she said we had different values and didnt have a future. This was after a year and a half, looking at rings, the whole deal. She never looked back.

 

I know how difficult every minute of the day is. Do what ever you can to make it through and keep him at a distance unless you both are willing to make it work. Anymore contact will just make it worse....

 

"big hug"

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I am in so much pain right now. I dont know how im going to be able to cope with this. I hate it. I cant function, i dont want to function. I just want to run away and not have to deal with this.

He was and is the love of my life. I cant imagine my life without him in it. I cant imagine never holding or kissing him again. I hate losing not only my lover, but also my best friend. The person i could depend on for everything, the person who supported me in everything i was doing. The person i loved unconditionally.

 

Why has this had to happen....

 

 

Just hang in there, You deserve better. Lots of us have all been through what you are going through and so have many other people. You may not think so now but you will get over him and move on. it just takes time,. I am not over my ex yet but feeling a lot better than i was 2 months ago. WE both have stayed NC which has helped. She has moved on and i have accepted it.

 

All i can recommend is look after yourself and do things that make you happy or do things you wanted to do but couldnt when in a relationship. Get busy, start reading book to help you go to sleep,take up physical exercise like sports,swimming,cycling or gyms, catch up with old friends, talk the relationship through with friends. the busier you are the less you can think about him. Push yourself to get motivated to do things, after a while it does get easier. Make some medium and short term plans. focus on yourself and get used to having your own freedom to do what you want.

 

At the moment you may feel it will never get better but believe me it does. But first you have to want to move on and feel better.

 

You are only 27, so got plenty of time. But dont be wasting your best years on someone who doesnt deserve you.

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Hang in there. Breathe. Be careful with your thoughts and try to stay in the present. (Avoid thinking about how things "were" or imagining the future...The tendency is to do that and go in circles, but I find that magnifies the pain for me.) You are surviving in the present, and you are ok.

 

Do anything physical that involves movement and "doing". Going out for a walk, drawing, moving furniture and scrubbing walls, or cleaning out the kitchen drawer. At least that helps me move a little away from feeling stuck in the painful feelings. And, of course, letting it all out here is a way to work through the mass of thoughts and feelings that overwhelm.

 

Take care.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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